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Is it automatically the end of your relationship when your partner won’t make a commitment?
This nagging question fills your mind if you’re with a guy who doesn’t seem as serious about your relationship as you are.
The tricky thing about commitment is it varies depending on how long you’ve been together, and it means different things to different people. This can cause a lot of confusion and tension.
You don’t want to “scare him off” or pressure him, but you would like to know whether or not you two are on a similar track.
If he’s not open to the kind of long-term commitment you’d like, you don’t want to waste your time.
Use these four questions to get clear, even if you’re dating someone who seems commitment phobic:
1. “What kind of commitment will he make?”
Don’t make the mistake of assuming you’ve got your guy all figured out. Even if you’ve been with “his type” before, don’t jump to conclusions.
Think about exactly what he’s said about your relationship. Avoid reading too much into what he’s said or done. You shouldn’t put words in his mouth.
When you talk, ask him what kind of commitment he IS willing to make at this point in your relationship. Be specific and say, “I’m not in a rush, but I’d like to know if you’re willing to be monogamous and date exclusively?”
Phrase your commitment question to fit where your relationship is at the moment. Think of commitment as steps, not all or nothing.
“You can’t know what might change in the future,
but you can make a choice about right now.”
2. “Is he open to more commitment later?”
It’s unwise to believe you can change your man and “make” him settle down with you, but it is helpful to gauge whether or not he’s open to a bigger commitment as time goes on.
Be courageous and ask him what his future plans are. Again, let him know you’re not pushing for a ring, but you wonder if he sees himself getting married one day.
This might not be a comfortable conversation to have, but if you’re very clear, it can provide reliable and valuable information for both of you.
3. “What’s best for me?”
No matter how great he is and how well suited for each other you seem to be, if his commitment plans (short and long term) aren’t a match, it might be in your best interests to end the relationship now.
You really can’t know what might change in the future or whether you would want to marry this guy one day, but you can make a conscious choice about right now with an awareness of the future you want for yourself.
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