3 Questions To Ask When He Wont Commit

Women's Dating

3 Questions to Ask When He Won’t Commit

Susie & Otto Collins

Written by: Susie & Otto Collins

Susie & Otto Collins

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors as well as soul mates, best friends and lovers. Since 1999, Susie and Otto have been sharing their message with men and women all over the globe about how to attract love and keep the spark alive. They are the authors of "Automatic Attraction Secrets," "Magic Relationship Words," "No More Jealousy" and many other books, audios and programs. Find out how to create and keep a happy and lasting love relationship with Susie and Otto Collins’ free ebook "Passionate Spark~Lasting Love."

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Is it automatically the end of your relationship when your partner won’t make a commitment?

This nagging question fills your mind if you’re with a guy who doesn’t seem as serious about your relationship as you are.

The tricky thing about commitment is it varies depending on how long you’ve been together, and it means different things to different people. This can cause a lot of confusion and tension.

You don’t want to “scare him off” or pressure him, but you would like to know whether or not you two are on a similar track.

If he’s not open to the kind of long-term commitment you’d like, you don’t want to waste your time.

Use these four questions to get clear, even if you’re dating someone who seems commitment phobic:

1. “What kind of commitment will he make?”

Don’t make the mistake of assuming you’ve got your guy all figured out. Even if you’ve been with “his type” before, don’t jump to conclusions.

Think about exactly what he’s said about your relationship. Avoid reading too much into what he’s said or done. You shouldn’t put words in his mouth.

When you talk, ask him what kind of commitment he IS willing to make at this point in your relationship. Be specific and say, “I’m not in a rush, but I’d like to know if you’re willing to be monogamous and date exclusively?”

Phrase your commitment question to fit where your relationship is at the moment. Think of commitment as steps, not all or nothing.

“You can’t know what might change in the future,

but you can make a choice about right now.”

2. “Is he open to more commitment later?”

It’s unwise to believe you can change your man and “make” him settle down with you, but it is helpful to gauge whether or not he’s open to a bigger commitment as time goes on.

Be courageous and ask him what his future plans are. Again, let him know you’re not pushing for a ring, but you wonder if he sees himself getting married one day.

This might not be a comfortable conversation to have, but if you’re very clear, it can provide reliable and valuable information for both of you.

3. “What’s best for me?” 

No matter how great he is and how well suited for each other you seem to be, if his commitment plans (short and long term) aren’t a match, it might be in your best interests to end the relationship now.

You really can’t know what might change in the future or whether you would want to marry this guy one day, but you can make a conscious choice about right now with an awareness of the future you want for yourself.

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