I get lots of letters from guys asking how to become a more skilled flirt, and while it seems like a very sophisticated and crafted social skill, it really isn’t as mysterious and elusive as it may seem.
It’s not about performance. It has more to do with you being yourself and exuding a relaxed demeanor and confidence.
Those with good self-esteem and who are comfortable with their sexuality tend to fare better in flirting situations because they’re not as riddled with self-doubt, inhibition, anxiety and insecurity that could hold them back.
The secret to flirting is to show interest and curiosity in the subject of your desire. The more you validate him and make him feel good about himself, the more favorable an impression he begins to form about you.
Throwing in some wit, relevant humor, appropriate body language and nonsexualized touching of a nonintrusive part of the body are all other aspects to consider, as is the importance of eye contact, smiling and laughter.
Action challenges:
Below are some strategies you can begin implementing to become a more masterful flirt.
While you may not feel you have the natural extroversion to pull this off, it’s important to recognize flirting is a skill that can be learned. You, too, can become a Casanova and Don Juan with practice and honing.
The key is to be your true self while at the same time applying some well-known principles of social psychology into the mix to yield more positive results.
“Work on defeating negative self-talk that
might get in the way of your ability to flirt.”
Try these ideas on for size to get your started:
1. Classes.
Enroll in personal growth classes or counseling aimed at self-esteem enhancement, confidence-building and assertiveness/communication skills training.
2. Relax.
Practice daily relaxation and mindfulness techniques to counteract the effects of anxiety.
Mild nervousness can be cute and charming to some, but excessive tension can breed panic and paralysis, neither of which is synonymous with seductive flirtation.
3. Role play with a trusted friend.
This can help you build up the social skills and confidence to execute this in a real-time dating situation.
4. Spontaneity.
Sign up for some improvisational classes at your local comedy club or theater to get some practice in spontaneous interpersonal communication.
This is perhaps one of the quickest and most effective methods for overcoming the jitters and becoming more socially savvy because it forces you to think on your toes with immediate coaching and feedback from your instructor and peers.
5. No negative self-talk.
Work on defeating negative self-talk that might get in the way of your ability to flirt.
Keep a thought log in which you write down all the self-defeating thoughts you experience before, during and after a mingling experience with other men to acquire a record of your own authentic cognitions.
Work to build evidence to dispute these thoughts and reframe your thinking so it’s more affirmative and empowering.
6. Hire a flirting coach.
Yes, there are actually specialist coaches out there!
7. Read up on flirting, mingling and making good impressions.
My favorite book about the latter is “First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You” by Ann Demarais and Valerie White.
