Your eyes catch the handsome stranger from across the bar and you find yourself captivated — he’s just your type. “Go talk to him,” your friend nudges.
As your head swirls with imagery on how you might approach him, your body tenses with anxiety. You begin to worry about how you might be perceived or misunderstood. Fears of rejection and embarrassment immobilize you.
Frozen in place, you try to muster up the courage to put one foot in front of the other, but before you can contemplate your opening line, your dream guy walks out of the bar with a group of his friends. Opportunity lost.
Is This Scenario All Too Familiar?
You’re not alone in your single struggle. I conducted a poll on my website once asking single gay men if they tended to initiate contact with a man they found interesting or if they waited to be pursued.
The overwhelming majority of respondents indicated they were passive daters, meaning they waited for men to approach them to start conversations.
The sad reality is that very little romance will happen if most men wait to be approached. Whether it’s at a bar or on a popular dating site — very few contacts are made by being a lurker.
How many great relationships could have gotten off the ground had someone made that first move?
Refuse to allow yourself to be one of those liability statistics.
To be successful in dating, one must be a proactive dater by being in the driver’s seat and making things happen through one’s own initiative.
Approaching a Man Can Be a Scary Venture
No one likes the thought of rejection or the feeling of being judged, especially when the guy you’re interested in is surrounded by his group of friends.
Being a proactive dater does come with an element of risk.
However, your odds of making a connection are greater if you take the lead, since most others won’t reach out first.
“Each attempt you make will make you
a little bit stronger over any anxiety.”
And this scenario then only leads itself to a bar full of men leaning against the wall, sipping their drinks and trying to look busy, all the while desperately hoping someone will talk to them.
Here are some tips for boosting your confidence to initiate contact with more men who grab your attention.
1. Breathe!
Inhale deeply from your gut up your nose, hold it about seven seconds, and then deeply release the air out through your mouth.
Repeat this exercise until you feel more grounded and less controlled by your nerves.
Approaching a gay man when you’re on the verge of a panic attack will likely interfere with your delivery and your anxiety will be noticed.
2. Come Up With a Good Opening Line
But no cheese please! Corny one-liners are outdated and you’re here to make a good first impression.
A good opening line can make a difference when approaching a new man because what you say sets the tone for the new connection.
Try to keep things light and flirty.
Make a simple observation about where you are, or mention something you notice about that special guy. A sincere compliment can naturally open the door to a romantic conversation.
Don’t overthink it! A simple line like, “Hi, my name is Tom. May I buy you a drink?” is enough to get the ball rolling.
3. Validate the Other Person
A best-kept secret to forming a good impression with a man you’ve just met is to validate that other person.
Find something about him that warrants some positive feedback.
It has to be authentic and genuine, however, lest it will come across as fake and like you have a hidden agenda.
By making someone feel good about themselves, studies have shown their perceptions of you are heightened.
My favorite book on this subject is “First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You” by Ann Demarais and Valerie White.
4. Have Confidence
When you picture yourself approaching someone but can’t follow through, it’s often because your self-talk has gotten in the way and stirred up anxiety and self-doubt.
Write down on a piece of paper all the thoughts you have that undermine your ability to approach someone.
Work hard at developing believable counter statements to these negative thoughts and practice frequently so they become internalized.
To claim the prize of a compatible boyfriend, a gay dater must work on developing his assertiveness skills to go after what he wants. Swiping and chatting on an online dating app can help, and we recommend joining Match if you’re after a gay relationship.
- Relationships: Friends, Dates, and Relationships
- Match System: Browse by zip, age, appearance, more
- Our Experts Say: “Match gives gay men the flexibility to meet compatible singles based on shared interests, lifestyle preferences, and what they want from a relationship.” Our Review »
- Browse Free: View Photos Now
Just remember: Passivity in dating often times yields minimal results.
We as gay men have to take responsibility for our own outcomes and avoid the victim mentality trap. By living with more initiative, your confidence will gradually grow.
Even if every attempt doesn’t work out, each one helps you grow stronger and chips away at anxiety and insecurity. You’ll also have a much better chance of connecting with a handsome stranger than if you stay stuck on the sidelines.
Be the chooser and go out and make it happen for yourself! I promise approaching men gets easier the more you practice. So get out there!
