Does Being Out Affect Your Dating Chances

Lesbian Dating

Does Being Out Affect Your Dating Chances?

Mary Gorham Malia

Written by: Mary Gorham Malia

Mary Gorham Malia

Mary G. Malia, founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach, is a certified singles coach, strategic intervention coach and author of the book "The Gay Girl’s Guide to Avoid the 14 Dating Traps." She’s known as the leading resource and expert for lesbians who want to move past the barriers to finding love and lasting relationships.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

Discuss This! Discuss This!

Does being out affect your ability to get dates? It sure does. And it affects your ability to keep a date coming back.

Being an out lesbian is not for everyone. There are lots of women who stay in the closet because of their family or their job or their church.

You can still get fired in some states for being a lesbian woman. It’s sad but true nonetheless.

Coming out is a sacred process in my mind.

For many women, young or old, coming out is about living your truth first and foremost.

Coming out also means taking a chance on losing the connection to the people you love.

A significant percentage of homeless youth are LGBTQ+ and have been thrown out of their homes by their parents.

That statistic alone says there are big consequences to coming out, and you should think carefully about if or when you take this step.

For teens.

As a teen thinking about coming out, you need to consider what your parents’ reaction will be.

If they’ll be supportive, then it might be the right time. If you’re parents won’t be supportive, perhaps it’s best to wait until you graduate from high school before telling them.

You’ll be better prepared to be out on your own and often transitioning to college is a great time to explore your gayness.

Being a teen and living at home is a far different story than being an adult and out on your own.

“You need to know that being in the closet

is detrimental to dating on many levels.”

For adults.

If you’re an adult and in the closet, it’s not up to me to tell you when you should be coming out, but I can tell you it’s a dating problem.

I’m totally out of the closet and dating a lesbian who is in the closet is like going backward in time.

I have to pretend with your family or friends I’m your straight friend. Or I have to pretend I’m your queer friend but you’re straight.

Either way, I have to pretend to be something I’m not. I have to remember to lie for you and do it over and over.

Can you tell this might get old for a woman you’re dating?

The whole point of coming out is I’m not pretending to be straight anymore. I’m not lying. I’m not hiding. I’m not afraid.

If you’re in the closet and still hiding, your fear is going to create some problems.

As a closeted lesbian, you have a whole group of people and situations you’re hiding from.

When you’re out in public with a date, you’re worried about being seen instead of being able to totally enjoy the moment.

As a closeted lesbian, your story about staying in the closet makes sense to you, but it probably won’t make long-term sense to a lesbian who is all the way out.

She’s not going to want to go back in the closet.

I see these relationships now and again and they don’t last.

In my experience, being in the closet is detrimental to dating on many levels.

The woman who is out becomes resentful. The woman who is in the closet gets more anxious as time goes by. And so these relationships don’t work most of the time.

Again, it’s not my job to tell you to come out. You have to make that decision.Coming out may be scary, but it also just might be worth it if you meet the right person and can be honest about how you feel.