Does Your Lesbian Girlfriend Drink Too Much

Lesbian Dating

Does Your Lesbian Girlfriend Drink Too Much?

Mary Gorham Malia

Written by: Mary Gorham Malia

Mary Gorham Malia

Mary G. Malia, founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach, is a certified singles coach, strategic intervention coach and author of the book "The Gay Girl’s Guide to Avoid the 14 Dating Traps." She’s known as the leading resource and expert for lesbians who want to move past the barriers to finding love and lasting relationships.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Let’s admit it — we enjoy drinking. That might mean a night out at a lesbian bar, an afternoon T-dance, catching a first friday lesbian happy hour event in your city or that backyard barbecue with your posse.

Drinking plays a big role in many lesbian scenes.

But let’s also admit that sometimes drinking has created a problem or two or 20 in our relationships. That was my history in my last relationship. Alcohol became a problem. Well, really it was always a problem. It just took me a while to see it.

So our own lives tell us that lesbians like to party. Right, you know that, but research shows lesbians tend to have more problems with alcohol than straight women. That’s not a surprise either.

So here’s my question for you:

Are you dating a woman who has a problem with alcohol?

Do you even know what to look for? Are you willing to admit it? Are you struggling with a woman who drinks too much because you love her so much?

In my personal experience, I dated a woman off and on for many years who was an alcoholic. I didn’t understand what was happening, in part because of my own drinking but also because I grew up in an alcoholic family. I was used to alcoholic behavior and didn’t know anything different.

My parents both drank a lot and could get really angry when drunk. When my girlfriend did the same thing, I didn’t know it was alcoholism for a long time. I just thought she should stop acting like an ass and cut back on her drinking.

The problem was she couldn’t stop drinking, and she didn’t want to stop drinking. She’d rather fight, break things, get DUIs and blame it on other people than stop.

What I didn’t understand was that she couldn’t stop drinking and be happy. She would stop, and then she’d be miserable. She’d drink and be miserable, too, but when she drank, she really made my life insane.

We’d have the most crazy fights that never made any sense and that couldn’t be resolved. Again, I didn’t understand it was the alcohol.

I did know that I was always the one who needed to drive whenever we went out, and I drank so much less than she did. I was fine with that. I also knew that once she started drinking, the evening was pretty much going to end badly.

It took me a while to learn that her getting drunk also meant the next day was going to be pretty ugly, too. She’d be hungover, maybe even throwing up all day, and she’d be impossible to please. She would also let me know that her feeling terrible was my fault.

I can say that I always knew her feeling miserable after a night of drinking wasn’t my fault, but there wasn’t any way to get her to stop ragging on me about how bad her hangovers were.

She’d often apologize two days later about the insane fights and her being a bitch, but it was still my fault that she treated me so badly. Again, I didn’t believe that stuff, but I still stuck around because I loved her so much.

Here’s the problem with dating a lesbian with a drinking problem:

You. Can’t. Fix. Her.

And she will leave you feeling awful because there is no way to fix someone else’s drinking problems. If you stick around, you’ve now made her drinking problem your drinking problem.

Don’t make her drinking problem your drinking problem.

Lesbians who use alcohol to excess are impossible to get along with, will treat you badly consistently, won’t really feel bad about how they treat you, will put themselves and you in debt, will make you crazy trying to make them happy and are generally impossible to deal with.

Alcohol makes people dumb! The smartest lesbians get downright stupid when they drink too much.

How can you tell if she has a drinking problem?

There are lots of signs:

  • She has to drink every day or she gets irritated.
  • She always has the smell of alcohol on her breath.
  • She won’t go anywhere that doesn’t have alcohol.
  • She’s hungover all the time.
  • She’s a black-out drinker.
  • She gets annoyed if you try to talk to her about her drinking.
  • She seems to be drinking more and more alcohol.
  • She’s had a DUI and still blames it on others.
  • She sneaks around and takes your drinks while you’re not looking, complaining that you’re drinking too slow or that you weren’t going to finish it anyway.
  • She wants you to keep up with her drinking and gets irritated if you don’t want to.
  • She’s quit doing things she enjoys like working out or finishing that big project in the back yard she was so excited about. Instead, she’s drinking.
  • She simple can’t stop drinking no matter how much she says she wants to stop.

There are lots of signs that a woman is drinking too much, and unfortunately it makes having a great relationship impossible.

But you may still be in this relationship and loving her, so what can you do?

  1. Accept that you can’t make her stop, but you can be a supportive and loving girlfriend in her process.
  2. Look for opportunities to talk to her about her life and what you see her missing out on because she’s drinking too much (i.e., that she’s stopped working out or that her health is suffering or that you’ve noticed she’s just not very happy anymore).
  3. Stay away from labeling her as an alcoholic. It’s possible she is, but no one likes being labeled.
  4. Decide what you need to do to feel OK about yourself in this relationship. Perhaps that means spending less time with her when she’s drinking.

Many relationships end because of problems connected to alcohol. Not being able to get along is often the result of too much alcohol and something you may have to come to terms with in your relationship.

When you understand the signs, you may decide to get out sooner than later. You may decide not to date someone at all because of her alcohol use. Ultimately, only you can take care of you and you can’t fix that other woman.

So take this as a small public service announcement: Many lesbians have a problem with alcohol. You can’t fix your alcoholic girlfriend, and it will definitely affect your relationship.

Get educated about alcohol abuse and take care of you!

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