Reader Question:
When I was younger (I’m 27 now), I was a jerk. I lied, cheated, used drugs, didn’t care about my appearance, had no talent or education, was out of shape. And women ADORED me.
I now have a great job, a wide circle of friends, a fit body, artistic talent and sharp clothes. I’m handsome, honest, sweet, understanding, educated. Now that I’ve gotten my life together, women don’t seem very interested in me at all.
Are women threatened by me? Are they turned off because it’s me fixing me, not them? Do women like jerks?
-John (Maryland)
Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:
Dear John,
I smell something a little fishy.
While you paint a familiar picture of how some women with an anxious attachment style get stimulated by inconsistent bad boys, I am a little skeptical that women are rejecting you because you are now a good guy.
In fact, I’m even a little skeptical that you could have undergone a personality and moral transformation of such magnitude in such a short period of time.
Granted, kicking a drug habit can certainly change one’s personality, so your story may be entirely true.
Or perhaps you are still in the “working really, really hard to change” phase and are feeling a little resentful that all the character building you have done is going unnoticed.
One easy place to direct that resentment is toward women who are ignoring you.
Please know one of the things that happens when someone cleans up their life and gets a new job is they enter a new peer group, one that might bring some social anxiety.
You’ve stepped up to a new league, young man. Congrats. And there are different social rules in that league.
My suggestion: Wait and watch. Then you’ll know exactly how to act when the right kind of woman comes into your radar.
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