I used to think it was enough to find a partner who was good on paper as long as we had chemistry. Boy, was I wrong.
I kept attracting people who had a great job and good looks, but when it came to emotionally supporting me? They failed miserably.
I remember one time, I was going through a rough patch in life, and just needed a hug and some understanding. When I reached out to my boyfriend at the time, he immediately said, “I’m too busy for this. Can you call someone else?”
That was cold and cruel. And honestly? That’s exactly why he became my ex.
Looking back, I see that none of my exes were emotionally available. I just didn’t want to see the signs at the time.
Before you invest too much of your heart and time into a relationship, it’s so important to know the person you want to call your “forever relationship” has the capacity to actually hold space for you.
Now, as a happily married woman and dating coach, I’m going to discuss the five signs of an emotionally unavailable partner.
1. They Avoid Deep and Vulnerable Conversations
As we’ve learned from Brené Brown, vulnerability creates connection and intimacy with others. When someone is emotionally unavailable, they tend to avoid deep conversations at all costs.
As soon as you start discussing your feelings or something challenging you might be going through, they immediately change the subject or make a funny joke to change the energy and make light of the situation.
They may even start gaslighting you into thinking you’re too needy or clingy. The truth is that person isn’t giving you a safe space to open up and feel valued.
There were so many times I heard the excuse of, “I’m too tired to talk right now,” or “Why are you so sensitive? Just get over it.” The conversation would just get pushed off.
Toxic dates (like my exes) are emotionally unsupportive and dismissive. In a healthy relationship, your partner will take time for you, listen to your challenges, and ask you how they can support you.
2. They Don’t Understand Their Feelings
In a relationship, we can all get frustrated or upset at times. The problem with emotional unavailability is that they don’t understand their feelings. When you ask them how they are feeling during an argument? They say things like:
- “I don’t know how I feel.”
- “I don’t do feelings.”
- “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
Or they explain the situation (problem) like “You’re late again” and just break up with you rather than explaining their internal state.
They’d never be able to clearly express their emotions like this: “I’m frustrated or sad; it makes me feel you don’t value my time.”
It’s hard to sustain a relationship without knowing our partners’ boundaries. You need to process your feelings, understand what you are feeling, and express them to your partner so they can know how to treat you.
We as human beings are not mind readers, so we need the clarity to be able to know how to make each other happy.
3. They Don’t Make Time for You
We all get busy from time to time with work, family, and life obligations. But if you are dating someone who consistently makes you feel like you’re being put on the back burner, it may be a sign that they are emotionally unavailable.
I used to hear excuses about how busy their schedule was, or they would cancel dates at the last minute. He didn’t have time to call me, but he really missed me and wanted to see me. Oh sure!
I realized soon enough that the actions and words were not aligning at all. They were not only emotionally unavailable, but they also weren’t even physically available. That was a sign that it was time for me to let go of the relationship!
4. They Don’t Ask Anyone for Help
One of the key questions I have my clients ask their dates is, “Who do you go to for help when you are struggling?”
This has two answers: one is “My friend, family, or therapist.” The other answer might be a sign of someone who is emotionally unavailable: ”I don’t ask anyone for help. I don’t need support.”
We all need support in some way. Being able to ask for help is courageous and actually shows a lot of emotional intelligence and maturity.
I believe that we have to come from a place of humility. We don’t know what we don’t know, and it’s absolutely okay for us to get support from others to grow in life.
5. They Fear Commitment & Won’t Let You In
Someone who is emotionally unavailable will dodge future plans or labels about the relationship. They avoid making you a significant part of their life.
You feel compartmentalized and not included in the most important parts of their lives, even after you have been in a relationship for a while. They aren’t inviting you to family functions, introducing you to friends, or bringing you to their work holiday parties.
It’s almost like they have you in a box and take you out when they have needs to fulfill, and once their needs are met, they put you back in and go on with their happy lives.
Beware of These Relationship Red Flags
I remember trying to make plans with an ex was always a struggle. If I mentioned that I wanted to go on a romantic getaway, he’d change the subject or say things like “That is too far out for us to discuss, let’s take it day by day.”
We never made future plans. I always felt like an outsider because he wasn’t willing to let me into his heart. It was heartbreaking.
If you’re in a relationship and these signs sound familiar to you, I want you to reflect on whether this relationship is truly right for you. You can’t wish your way into making someone more emotionally available… as much as you may love and care for them.
If the relationship feels one-sided, it is time to reevaluate and learn how to say “no” to what you don’t want, so you can make room for what you do want. You are worthy of love and someone who treats you like a priority!
