What Is Floodlighting? Two Psychologists Weigh In

You might have heard of dating terms like “gaslighting” or “breadcrumbing.” Now, there’s “floodlighting.”

The term, which was coined by author and researcher Brené Brown, generally refers to oversharing deeply personal information as a way to create a false sense of intimacy or test a relationship. 

People on TikTok and Reddit are talking about their experiences with floodlighters and why it’s a problem in dating. Here’s what the experts say about the new dating buzzword, how you might spot it in your own dating life, and what you should do.

“Floodlighting is when someone shares personal, often heavy, details too early in a relationship — like on a first date,” explained Lisa Anderson, a licensed clinical social worker and clinical director at Brooks Healing Center. 

“Instead of letting things unfold naturally, they immediately unload deep traumas, past heartbreaks, or intense emotions, hoping to create an instant connection,” she said. “The term comes from the idea of shining a super bright light on someone before they are ready, instead of gradually warming up to more personal topics.” 

Anderson noted that it’s not necessarily done with bad intentions. Some people may share personal details quickly because they crave emotional closeness, while others may not realize they’re overwhelming the person or people they’re talking to. 

When I initially read about floodlighting, I thought, “Well, that’s not so bad.” Who among us hasn’t made an awkward joke or gotten a little too deep after a couple of drinks? 

But if your ultimate goal is actual intimacy, speeding toward it with overly personal disclosures isn’t a winning approach, according to experts.

“Floodlighting is problematic because real intimacy takes time and trust,” said Dr. JJ Kelly, a licensed clinical psychologist. “Floodlighting is NOT true vulnerability — it’s often driven by anxiety, insecurity, or a need for validation. It can create an imbalance where the other person feels emotionally burdened or even pressured to reciprocate.” 

Anderson also noted that it can create a false sense of intimacy, making one or both people feel a connection that might not really be there (yet). 

“Just because someone shares something deeply personal does not mean there is a real emotional connection; it just means they are comfortable talking about their past.” — Lisa Anderson

It’s also simply a turn-off for many Americans. A recent YouGov survey found that 42% of Americans (38% of men and 47% of women) think it’s unacceptable for a person to share traumatic details from their past on a first date. 

Fewer (31%) say it is acceptable, and 27% are not sure what they think of it. 

If you notice that you tend to talk about your trauma or deeply personal things on first dates, it might be worth asking yourself why. 

• Are you hoping that by getting the big things on the table early, you’ll weed out people who aren’t the right fit? 
• Are you hoping that sharing this aspect of your life will make the person feel closer to you? 
• Will you trust or like them more or less if they react in a certain way? 
• Are you looking to see how much they can handle? 

Exploring these thoughts on your own through journaling or with a therapist may prove helpful for your dating life. 

It’s important to note that you shouldn’t feel ashamed about your trauma or other messy parts of your life. They are part of your life experience and can be shared with a partner (if you want to) once you’ve established more trust. 

Imagine you’re on a date, and your date has just unloaded some heavy stuff about their past relationship or family history on you in a way that feels weird for a first date. What should you do? 

Kelly says you can set a boundary without being harsh. “A simple, ‘Whoa, that’s a lot for a first date. I’d love to get to know you more over time,’ acknowledges their feelings while gently signaling that you’re not ready to dive into that level of depth yet,” she said. 

Anderson says if what they’re sharing makes you uncomfortable, you can also acknowledge what they said and then move the conversation in a lighter direction. 

“A simple redirect, like ‘That sounds like a significant experience for you—what is something you are excited about these days?’ helps move things in a lighter direction while still acknowledging what they have shared.”

You’ll want to pay attention to how they respond. If they respond gracefully, that’s great. It might indicate that they were just oversharing because they’re a bit nervous. 

At least one study has confirmed this is pretty common — when your mental resources are depleted because you’re managing one behavior, you have less willpower to manage other behaviors.

So if you have an overwhelming day at work or school, and then you go on a nerve-wracking first date, you’re more likely to overshare.

But if you set a boundary, and they push back or keep dumping heavy stuff on you, that’s a red flag. “A healthy relationship should feel like a mutual exchange, not an emotional unloading session,” said Kelly. 

So we’ve established that on a first date, you probably don’t want to share the details of how your ex cheated on you or how you have a strained relationship with your mother. 

But you also don’t have to keep things surface-level with the usual first-date questions about how long someone has lived in the area or what they do for work (though this kind of small talk can also be valuable bonding!). 

Ideally, you want to ask questions that spark interesting conversations without making the date feel like a therapy session or job interview. 

According to the experts, some good “getting to know you questions” that are neither superficial nor too deep are: 

• “What’s something you’ve been really excited about lately?” 
• “What’s a weird or awesome experience you’ve had?”
• “If you could instantly master any skill, what would it be and why?” 
• “If you could take a year off to do anything, what would it be?”
• “What movie, book, or song stuck with you?

“These questions keep the conversation engaging while giving insight into someone’s personality,” said Anderson. “They are meaningful but do not force deep emotional discussions before both people are ready.”

This approach will also help you build intimacy at a more natural speed by sharing things gradually and actively listening to your date. “Think of intimacy as a slow-burning candle, not a bonfire,” shared Kelly. 

It’s possible to be floodlighting without being consciously manipulative. But even if you don’t have nefarious intentions, it can still be a turn-off for your dates. 

No one goes on a first date thinking, “Wow, I hope he tells me about his emotionally abusive ex,” or “I hope she tells me about the untimely death of someone she cared about.” 

These experiences are not shameful or something you need to hide, but there’s a time and place to share them with someone you’re getting to know — and it’s not the first date.