What Is a Unicorn Hunter?

Some single people know they’re polyamorous, and they seek relationships with multiple people at the same time. Others open up their existing relationships or create new ones that are open from the jump, committing to one relationship while pursuing separate relationships on their own. 

Others still look to invite new people into their existing relationships by forming triads or polycules. In these relationships, each person has a unique relationship with everyone else, and the group as a whole has a relationship. This type of relationship can be positive, loving, and healthy.

There are ethical ways to engage in non-monogamy and invite new people into your relationship.

But sometimes, a couple — often a straight man and a bisexual woman — decide to find a woman to romance. But they don’t want her to be an equal participant in the relationship or to redefine what their relationship looks like. They want to prioritize their preexisting relationship above all. She’s left to figure it out. This can create a toxic dynamic for any woman coming into the relationship.

I’ll walk you through the problems with this lopsided form of polyamory and how to make sure you’re treating all your partners right.

When a male and female couple seeks out a bi woman to join their relationship — especially without restructuring the dynamic — it’s often called unicorn hunting. 

Unicorn hunters are couples seeking bisexual women to join the existing dynamic of their relationships.

“Unicorn hunting” is usually derogatory, criticizing the couple for expecting a new woman to prioritize their needs over her own. The new woman is referred to as a “unicorn” because women willing to not only join a relationship with both parties of a couple but to accept being only a secondary part of the relationship are wildly uncommon (and may not exist).

Polyamory expert Jesse Dagger writes: “The main difference between people looking for a triad and Unicorn Hunters is that Unicorn Hunters tend to look at the third partner as an addition to their relationship, instead of realizing that you’re creating a brand-new relationship, with three people instead of two.”

This type of couple is unpopular among non-monogamous folks and queer women alike. 

Ask any queer woman about her experience with dating apps, and she’ll probably tell you: Many are full of profiles of beautiful women who, on the final slide, show their boyfriends and state that they’re “looking for a third.” 

This is, needless to say, not what most queer women are looking for.

The motivations for seeking out a unicorn can vary greatly depending on the person or couple involved. 

No two couples are the same, but some common themes come up in these types of relationship dynamics that you can keep an eye out for, both within your existing relationship or any couple you join.

Sexual Exploration and Adventure

Many couples seek a unicorn out of a desire to better understand their sexualities in a seemingly safe way. Perhaps the female partner in a couple has thought she might be bisexual, but she isn’t sure. Bringing in a woman is one way for her to explore her sexuality without leaving the relationship. 

It’s also possible that both parties in the couple are curious about how it would feel to see their partner engage with someone sexually or to see them date. Being with someone new together opens up parts of sex and dating that are usually closed off in a monogamous relationship in a seemingly “safe” way.

 Fulfilling Fantasies

The most obvious component of unicorn hunting is a desire on the part of the couple to fulfill their sexual fantasies by having a threesome. While some couples certainly want more than sex from a new partner, sex is often a primary motivator for this type of couple. 

And while couples who simply want to have sex with new people are more likely to swing or open up their relationship, bringing in a new person can open up the sexual possibilities. It allows everyone to have group sex, but it also allows each person to have sex with multiple people individually.

Exploring Non-Monogamy

Some couples may seek to bring in a new partner because they’re more generally interested in non-monogamy. They may be unsure about the idea of having new relationships separate from their existing partner, but with a unicorn, they feel secure in their relationship.

Being in a triad isn’t any easier than having an open relationship, though; it’s just different. Issues of trust and changing feelings can come up in any type of relationship, especially non-monogamous ones.

Challenging Social Norms

Couples may feel trapped within the mainstream as straight-presenting, monogamous couples. 

Bringing in a new person may feel like a way to challenge dating norms and rethink conventional roles within their relationship. It may be a chance to redefine connection and let love and sex thrive outside the binary.

Perceived Sexual Benefits

Some people may assume that having a new person in their relationship will mean that they’ll have sex all the time and that the sex they do have will be better. 

They assume two partners means it’s twice as likely that someone will want to have sex and that the novelty of group sex will make it that much hotter.

While new sexual possibilities may boost a couple’s sex life, it’s no guarantee that they’re going to have sex more frequently or that it’s always going to be outside the box. 

While couples can open up their relationships ethically, unicorn hunters live in an ethical gray zone. I can name several core issues with the relationship dynamics of this type of triad.

Objectification of Women

In seeking out a new female partner to bring into their relationship, unicorn-hunting couples often treat the women they seek out as sexual objects. They aren’t interested in the woman for the unique relationships they can have with her; she’s a solution to issues in their relationship or their desire for a sexual change. 

In this sort of relationship, the specific personality of the woman the couple is dating is often a moot point. They’re looking for someone who is uniquely willing to be with both of them — to serve a sexual and potentially romantic purpose.

Unequal Power Dynamics

Unicorn hunters are seeking out a woman to add to an existing relationship; they aren’t seeking to create a new polyamorous relationship in their own right. That means that the so-called unicorn is always a second-class party to the preexisting couple. 

The couple may have rules that the woman has to follow or that each party of the couple has to follow when engaging with the woman. They may be forbidden from sex with her under certain circumstances, or their time with her may be restricted.

Most importantly, their relationship always comes before the relationship of the group or any individual relationship with their new partner. Her relationship with any party of the couple can never be as serious or demanding as their core dynamic.

Harassment & Consent

Not all unicorn hunters are disrespectful to the women they’re pursuing. But in pursuing women who are not looking for these types of relationships — often in spaces that are explicitly for lesbian relationships — they can often make women feel uncomfortable. 

Given the previously addressed unequal power dynamics present in these types of relationships, unicorns are often vulnerable, both sexually and emotionally. They’re individuals coming into a couple where they have less of a basis of trust than the other parties involved. That can easily lead to sexual pressure and issues of consent.

If you’re looking to invite someone into your relationship, make sure that you’re doing so in a space where that type of attention is welcome. Be careful to look for enthusiastic consent and not push any personal boundaries.

For those interested in unicorn hunting, it’s essential to approach the situation with respect, care, and caution. 

Always make sure that you’re treating all parties in the relationship with equal respect, and consider if there are other polyamorous relationship structures — such as triads or polycules — that could work for you without making one party feel like a second-class participant.

Maintain Clear Communication

As with any relationship — especially polyamorous ones — clear communication and boundaries are essential. Make sure that all involved parties are on the same page about the expectations of the relationship and what you hope to get out of it. 

If you and your partner are truly uninterested in putting your relationship with the so-called unicorn on equal footing with your primary relationship, be honest about that. It’s important for her to know what she can expect from the relationship so that she can make educated decisions about it for herself.

Show Mutual Respect

No matter what relationship structure you have, you should always respect your partners. Even if a relationship is only sexual in nature, it doesn’t mean you can treat that partner poorly. 

If you’re bringing a new person into an existing relationship, you may be inclined to make them follow your boundaries without paying attention to theirs. But part of being in a relationship means that everyone gets an equal say, so make sure to respect everyone’s emotional needs.

You never know what will happen in a polyamorous relationship, but you can know that you treated your partners with dignity and respect. 

Check In Emotionally

Things change in any relationship, and nowhere is that more true than in a polyamorous relationship. Schedule regular check-ins with all parties to see how everyone is feeling and if anyone needs to reset expectations.

Just because you set rules at the start of a relationship doesn’t mean those rules will work forever. Feelings may change, or you may realize what you are or aren’t comfortable with. Let your partners know how you’re feeling quickly so that resentment and discontent don’t build up.

Get Consent

Consent is a continuous process. You need informed consent from all parties to start a relationship or encounter, but you need to understand that consent can be revoked at any time. This applies to sex, but it also applies to the existence of relationships.

If you or one of your partners decide that they’re uncomfortable with a particular relationship, come together to find a solution that works for everyone. That may include some modifications to boundaries, or it may include going your separate ways.

The concept of a unicorn hunter in dating is far more complex than it may initially appear. While it often gets applied as a blanket to couples looking for a female partner to join them, it has a lot more to do with how they pursue and treat potential partners than their desire to have a new partner in the first place.

There are absolutely women who are interested in group sex or polyamorous relationships, and you can find them if you look. What you can’t find are women who are willing to date you as a couple and expect no commitment, respect, or prioritization in return.

Women are not there to fix your marriage or spice up your sex life. Any new partner in your life is an individual with their own story, hopes, and desires, and they deserve to be treated as such.