Never Fear: A Therapist’s Advice For Decision-Making In Relationships

The Short Version: Fear can turn decision-making into an impossible process, especially when your relationship is on the line. Nicole Richardson, Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and Marriage and Family Therapist, told us how the best ways to overcome fear is to gain insight into our motivations and accept the outcomes of our choices. 

Some call it caution, some call it common sense, but the most honest among us would call it what it really is: fear. 

Fear drives my own decision-making more than I’d like to admit. I think it plays a role in everyone’s choices, whether they realize it or not. We fear negative consequences, so we don’t take risks. We stay on familiar paths, avoid nuance, and dwell in ‘what ifs.’ 

I find myself singing the same tune with every new relationship. “What if he’s lying to me? What if I’m annoying him? What if my insecurities make him resent me?”

Other people fight even darker ‘what ifs’. “What if I’m the reason they drink so much? What if our arguments get violent? What if we have a nasty custody battle?” 

Nicole Richardson, Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and Marriage and Family Therapist, set the record straight on how our decision-making fears can impact our relationships. 

“I found it deeply empowering, the idea that I could start making different choices if I was unhappy,” she explained. In this way, fear doesn’t have to dictate our decisions. Change can be difficult to accept, and decision-making is rarely easy. But Nicole guides her clients through the process and helps them come to terms with their decisions — and forge a new path forward.

In the modern world, we crave validation from faceless people online. We seek out professional and creative fulfillment at our jobs and in our social lives. Most of all, we search high and low for “the one” — the perfect partner who will check all of our emotional boxes. 

So when we eventually achieve these things, it can come as quite the shock when we feel… pretty much the same. 

“[Unhappiness can be] the result of a series of choices we’ve made,” Nicole said. Of course, unhappiness isn’t always in our control. One of life’s biggest challenges is accepting that bad things will happen to us. The key is to identify what you do and don’t have the power to change. As Nicole pointed out, “If we are happy, that is also the result of a series of choices.”

You shouldn’t blame yourself for every bad break. Conversely, take pride in the work you put in to achieve the good things in your life.

Choice is powerful, but it can also be paralyzing. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I end up regretting my decision? In the time it takes to feel comfortable about a decision, life — and potentially serious relationships — can pass you by. 

“If we are happy, that is also the result of a series of choices.”

Fear can act like a blindfold, obscuring our options from view. “As adults, we have so many choices. [But] it usually doesn’t feel like we do, especially when we’re stressed or afraid,” Nicole said. Anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship, for example, knows how it can give you a skewed view of the future. 

An abusive relationship is often marked by a feeling of powerlessness, of being trapped. It can narrow your viewpoint to such an extent that you can only see what your partner wants you to see. 

It’s easy to forget that you do, in fact, have a choice: to break up, even if it means uprooting your life and the lives of the people affected by your decision. Endings rarely feel positive, but in the case of a destructive relationship, ending it could be the only positive choice. 

You can always regain your voice, Nicole told us. The key is to open up about your feelings to someone you trust. “It’s important to talk it out,” she emphasized. This person can be a therapist, a friend, a family member, or anyone else outside of your relationship who can give you an honest perspective. 

Most importantly, they can show you choices you never even knew you had. Choice doesn’t have to be paralyzing; it can be freeing. 

As Nicole pointed out, decisions are (unfortunately) rarely black and white. If every decision were simply a choice between good and evil, there would be much less fear. 

Logically, I know perfection is impossible, and yet I strive to achieve perfection in my decision-making. “There’s a cultural trope that perfection is attainable,” Nicole said. “And if perfection is attainable, then there is a right choice and a wrong choice.” 

Of course, life is far more complex than this. “Notable exceptions apply, but for the most part …. you have to pick one [choice] and then choose to be okay with [the outcome],” Nicole said.

The best relationships exist because two people chose to work in tandem to create a healthy, fulfilling relationship. “Some people have gotten lucky,” she said. “And then there are people who chose [their partners] well, and also had to do the work.” 

In the best relationships, decisions aren’t made out of fear, but out of a desire for personal growth and romantic connection. Sometimes, this process isn’t pretty. Couples who respect each other are still going to argue, and they’re still going to make decisions out of fear. 

“Some people have gotten lucky. And then there are people who chose [their partners] well, and also had to do the work.” 

“I think there’s a bit of naivete to the idea of, ‘Once I get into the right relationship, it’ll be easy,’” Nicole said. This is especially true if you grew up in a house where your parents didn’t get along, she told us. “It would be easy to tell yourself, ‘When I’m in the right relationship, we won’t have any conflict.’” 

Obviously, this mindset just isn’t realistic. 

Relationships take work, just like anything else worth doing. Sometimes, we have to do some conflict resolution while working on our relationships. “There’s this idea that if [a relationship is] not working, it has to be somebody’s fault,” Nicole said. It’s a compelling argument, but usually an unhealthy one, she told us. 

Two good people can end up in a toxic relationship. All it takes is miscommunication, codependency, and fear-based decision-making.

“I try to explain to people that sometimes [relationships] are just like [chemical] elements,” Nicole said. “On your own, you’re fine. But when you come together, you don’t really make sense.”

Nicole reiterated how “This doesn’t mean one person’s bad and one person’s good.” Sometimes, the chemistry just isn’t right. In this case, all the healthy decision-making in the world can’t bring two misaligned people back together. Someone may seem perfect on paper, but that doesn’t mean they’re perfect with you. 

It can be hard to accept that your relationship is failing, especially if you’ve dedicated time, energy, and emotions to making it work. What do you do if you overcome your relationship fears for your significant other’s sake, only for the relationship to fail?

“There is this feeling that ‘If I just wait a little longer, the other person will figure it out, and our relationship will be good,’” Nicole said. But how long are you willing to wait? “Just because you put a lot of time, energy, and emotion into someone else doesn’t mean you’re going to get it back.” 

Acceptance can be an antidote to fear. If your relationship is failing, accept the reality and learn from your mistakes. Only when you understand the consequences of your choices can you make better choices in the future. 

Here’s one important lesson: “Stop dating potential,” Nicole advised. In other words, don’t date someone because you have high hopes for who they could be, or how your relationship could develop. “You can’t continue to sink time, money, energy, and emotion into another person on the chance they’ll figure it out,” she added. 

When you fear being judged or, worse, being lonely, you can end up taking a dead-end relationship way too far. Ultimately, it’s the fear of what comes after the relationship ends that stops people from making a clean break. “If I give this up, what’s going to happen?” is a common question people in this scenario might ask themselves, Nicole said. 

If you’re afraid of making the wrong choice about your relationship, journaling may help you to achieve some insight. Self-reflection is a great way to combat fear and achieve acceptance. 

“What are you doing that’s keeping you stuck?” 

There are a myriad of questions you can ask yourself that can shed light on your true needs and fears. “If I’m in a bad place in my relationship, what’s my part in that? Am I contributing to the problem because I’m not listening? Am I contributing to the problem because I’m not talking about my unmet needs?” 

Perhaps the most important question is, “What are you doing that’s keeping you stuck?” 

Too often, the answer to this question comes down to fear: fear of making waves, of breaking off a relationship, of being alone, or of accepting the outcome of your choices. 

“You have the power to make your life happy or unhappy,” Nicole reminded us. The key is to accept the outcome, including the consequences. All you can do is make the most educated decisions possible about your life and relationships.