If your dating life feels stuck, it might mean you need to rethink the time and energy you’re putting toward it. We often focus on how to meet someone and who might be a great fit. But sometimes, we neglect to make sure we have the time and mental space for romantic connections in the first place.
I encourage my coaching clients to be more intentional with the time they put toward dating.
Getting into the right headspace can make all the difference.
Life can be full of overwhelming emotions, distractions, and fatigue. Sometimes your dating life can feel like you’re trying to survive in a desert. You have to create room for something special to grow by asking the right questions.
Here are a few questions I challenge my coaching clients to ask themselves and consider carefully.
1. Is Dating a Priority for Me?
You want to find a long-term partner, but other things might be more important for you right now. It’s okay to pause dating for a bit.
With today’s job market, I frequently talk with people who feel like they need to focus on their next career move or are so tired at the end of the day from work that they struggle to be energetic on dates.
If the first date isn’t fun for the other person, there probably won’t be a second date.
Additionally, sometimes I see that people are still so heartbroken from their last relationship that they aren’t really interested in finding their next relationship. They’re dating just to say they’re going on dates, so nothing great – or even good – is happening for them.
However, meeting a partner requires that you mentally invest in your potential connections. That’s hard to do if your priorities, brain, or heart are elsewhere.
2. What Is My Small Dating Goal for Right Now?
Forget the long-term end goal on your vision board for just a minute. What do you want in the present moment, and how are you working toward day-to-day happiness?
One of the first things I like to remind singles is that every date is a mirror. It offers you the chance to reflect on how you show up, how others show up, and what feels good to you.
I encourage people to think about the small moments that will make dating feel fun and worthwhile. And it has to be something besides stories for the group chat.
Maybe you feel like you don’t know how to flirt or what even is a cute date night outfit, and you need to go on dates that give you the chance to practice making eye contact, exchanging quick banter, and mastering your style.
Maybe you know the basics of who you’re looking for — like height, religion, type of career, or where they fit in their sibling lineup — but you need to figure out the personality that clicks with you.
Do they need to make you laugh, or are you the comedian in the relationship? How should you both think of traditions? What does feeling safe actually feel like to you when you’re dating someone?
Or maybe you need to learn how to talk about things besides work.
My point is that small goals add up over time to get where you want to be in the long run.
3. Do I Actually Have Time for Dating in My Schedule?
Besides being mentally ready to date, it’s important to look at how much time you actually have to date.
I see people saying they want to date, but their Google calendar is jam-packed with travel, working late, or other commitments that leave them unavailable for new connections.
Ask yourself: If someone asked me out today, would I have a couple of nights over the next week – or two – I could offer them?
If you’re actively trying to date right now, you have to make space on the calendar for someone. After all, dating requires flexibility and mutual respect for each other’s time.
4. Am I Investing In My Conversations?
Too often, you meet someone, but y’all haven’t made plans for a date yet. Well, this is the time to really put effort into the conversation.
It’s important to reply promptly and show interest. Ten-hour delays between messages doesn’t make the other person believe that you actually want to meet and form a relationship.
Sometimes people say to me, “The conversation is boring!” Then try making it more interesting. Try asking thoughtful questions like:
- “What’s a secret goal you have?”
- “What’s the best weekend you’ve ever had?”
- “Who is your biggest role model?”
You will quickly learn who they are and what they’re about, and some answers might just surprise you.
You can also send a voice note to see if that adds energy to the conversation and helps you feel more excited to meet them.
Many of my coaching clients feel awkward about sending a voice note, but I say it makes a big difference when it comes to getting someone to open up. Good conversations need good inspiration.
If you loathe the idea of texting, simply let them know that you’re not a great texter and want to talk in person.
5. Am I Trying New Things?
It’s natural to be frustrated with dating when you feel like you’re not making progress. Maybe you find yourself repeating the same experiences over and over (ghosted again and again or never going on a second date).
My take is: If you want a new experience, you have to try new things.
If you rejoin a dating app, don’t use the same photos, same bio, and same filters. What if you let your friends pick your photos?
What if you added five miles to your current radius to expand your dating pool? Or maybe you need to tighten the radius because your schedule is too busy to drive 50 miles away for a date. Think about what will work best for your day-to-day life.
Maybe you go to the same spaces all the time – from bars and gyms to weekend activities – and feel like you’ve “run out of options.”
What if you try a new happy hour spot in a totally different neighborhood? What if you try a kickboxing class instead of running? What if you go to your best friend’s meetup with their college friends?
By trying new things, you will feel proud of yourself for taking your dating life into your control.
New Strategies Mean New Possibilities
Rethink your dating life and decisions, and you can recharge your love life. You might also learn a few things about yourself, romance, and partners along the way.
Ultimately, give yourself the time and opportunities to find love. You deserve it.
