Make a Good Impression: Advice From LGBTQ+ Matchmaker Tammy Shaklee

When you’ve been dating in the hopes of finding a long-term relationship, it can be easy to fall into patterns. 

You may come to take your dates to the same bar or restaurant. You ask them the same questions. You rarely get excited before each date; they’ve turned into interviews.

But when you start going on autopilot in your dating life, you can hardly expect to connect with your romantic matches.

According to Tammy Shaklee, gay and lesbian matchmaker and owner of H4M Matchmaking, the best way to love is to start paying attention. “Be present,” Tammy told us. “Be in your environment.”

We spoke to Tammy about her advice for LGBTQ+ singles trying to get the most out of their dates. Tammy knows how to help singles stop going through the motions and start giving their full attention to every date.

Many singles get cynical about dating. They don’t expect each date to work out, so they stop putting in effort. But no relationship is going to move forward or feel exciting if you don’t try. 

So Tammy suggests that singles focus on just building rapport and the potential for real connection with each date. It isn’t about being sure you’ve found your soulmate; it’s about engaging with another human being.

“You’re trying to establish a human connection,” Tammy said. “Do you feel like you’re going back and forth in your banter? It doesn’t mean you can’t have a lull, but does it seem equitable in engagement? When you’re learning as much about them as they are you, that’s attraction starting to grow.”

Most people take a while to feel comfortable with a stranger, and dates are no different. To get the ball rolling, Tammy suggests bringing up things that feel organic to your surroundings. Consider your environment, the reason you met, and the food on the menu. 

A great way to start the conversation is by simply talking about the place where you’re meeting up. You could say something like, “I think this place has a great vibe,” or “Have you been here before? This is the first time I’ve ever been here, but it reminds me of a place over on the east side.” 

The key, according to Tammy, is to be positive and use any subject as a way to start learning more about your date by asking follow-up questions. Once you start asking questions, you can get a feel for the ways you and your date may have common interests and shared ground.

“You want to be engaging with your partner, the environment, the atmosphere, and start to share experiences,” Tammy said. That means adapting to what’s going on around your date, as well as letting the conversation flow in a way that fits both of your interests.

“You’re not trying to mirror each other; you’re just kind of getting a sense of if there are things you’ll both enjoy,” Tammy said. “It’s that easy. Icebreakers don’t have to be from a list of 100 silly questions.”

Much of flirting and attraction is about body language, and it’s important to both show your date that you’re interested and notice the subtle cues that they are, too. But not everyone is super forward, and some people may prefer smaller signs of interest than others. 

That’s why Tammy says one of the best ways to show and gauge interest is by paying attention.

“If your head’s up, you’re off the device, you’re leaning in, and you’re paying attention to their needs,” Tammy said. “Noticing: ‘Is this table a little too cold for you? We could move to this other table.’ It’s a simple gesture that the other person is caring about your comfort or your satisfaction.”

Tammy shared that she was immediately struck by how her now-partner always stood upon her return from the restroom. “That was impressive to me,” she said. “It was very mannered.”

Eye contact can be uncomfortable for some people, but good eye contact is essential for establishing attraction.

“It doesn’t have to be constant eye contact, Tammy said. “But if you’re really maybe romantically interested, you want to pay attention to what their eyes look like, how much they’re looking at you, do you notice their smile, their dimples, their voice.”

But overall, the most attractive gestures are the ones that show the positive traits you would bring to a relationship. “It can be simple, but demonstrate that you’re caring and kind,” Tammy said. “Kind is the number one keyword most singles ask for in a future partner.”

When you meet partners as a young person, they might start out as crushes. You’re attracted to the person first, and then you work up the courage to ask them out. You start at a baseline of physical attraction.

But when you meet dates as an adult, you’re unlikely to feel significant attraction, and you may be inclined to assume that means you’ll never feel attraction to that person. 

Fortunately, chemistry can grow, and in most successful adult relationships, it does. Tammy likes to use the example of friends to explain how this works for couples. 

“Did you know the second you met your best friend that they would be your best friend forever?” Tammy asked. “No, because even your bond as friends took a little time to grow; your chemistry as friends took a little time to grow. Same thing happens with a potential partner in a future relationship.”

On a first date, try to focus just on establishing a positive connection with your partner. You don’t have to immediately fall in love; you only need to get the sense that you can have fun together and share common ground.

Try to notice if the conversation flowed well, if they showed interest in your hobbies and your passions, and if you could do the same for them.

And when the date ends, pay attention to how you feel when you’re apart. You may not be doodling their name in your diary, but are you thinking of them fondly? Are you excited to see them again soon?

“Notice your thoughts and your feelings,” Tammy suggested. “Did you wake up the next day thinking, ‘I really enjoyed that’? Or ‘I really had fun just hanging out with them.’”

Those positive feelings toward your partner are the seeds of attraction and chemistry starting to grow. They might not feel dramatic, but they’re worth pursuing.

“It’s not perfect, it’s not rom-com, it’s not always Disney or Hallmark,” Tammy said. “Sometimes it’s just the human connection of hanging out and the warmth starting to grow in your time together. You’re becoming more relaxed, more comfortable…and you look forward to the next time.”