Overcome “Approach Anxiety” By Checking Your Ego, Says Men’s Relationship Coach

The Short Version: Relationship coach Tony Depp knows firsthand how difficult it can be to approach a beautiful woman in a crowded bar. This “approach anxiety” has stopped many men from chatting up the woman of their dreams. Tony eventually overcame his shyness, and he’s dedicated to teaching other men how they can hone their confidence skills, flirt with ease, and leave their egos at the door. Tony’s coaching website, Absolute Ability, is for all the shy guys out there who know they can be so much more.  

A woman sipping a margarita. A woman with her friends. A woman wearing earbuds. 

Which of these women will respond well to being approached? 

The answer is completely unpredictable, as every woman reacts differently to pick up lines and flirting. For some men, this fact is freeing. If there’s no set rule, what do you have to lose? 

But for other men, approaching women in public is about as pleasant as a root canal. 

What if she feels uncomfortable? What if she loudly rejects you? What if she flat-out ignores you? 

Tony Depp, a relationship coach for men, addresses these fears on his coaching site Absolute Ability. He describes himself as a “professional confidence coach.” When we talked to him about the anxiety men feel when approaching women in public, he told us all about his own anxieties — and how he overcame them. 

“After a lot of practice, I started getting a lot more confident and I actually started getting dates and people started asking me to show them what to do,” Tony told us. 

If the thought of approaching a woman in a crowded bar makes you queasy, you’re not alone. Tony himself was once in your shoes. 

Tony’s upbringing, which included divorced parents and his personal struggles with gynecomastia, was “really hard on my self-esteem,” he told us. 

Eventually, Tony set out on a quest to overcome his low self-esteem around women once and for all. 

“I moved to Montreal and I went out seven days and nights a week, just talking to strangers,” Tony said. “At first, it was terrifying.” Approaching women in public even led to panic attacks. This is called “approach anxiety” — and it can feel paralyzing. 

Take Tony’s word for it: you’re not alone. “Every guy has the same two problems,” he assured us. “One, they’re too afraid to approach women. They’re afraid of rejection and are too concerned about what people think of them.” 

The second problem, he told us, is knowing what to say if and when you finally make the approach. 

Because you don’t know what to say, you’re afraid to approach. And because you’re afraid to approach, you have no clue what to say if you were to approach. It’s a vicious cycle. And according to Tony, breaking the cycle isn’t always as simple as downing tequila, puffing your chest, and introducing yourself (though this could certainly be one way of going about it). 

“I know that the problem lies much deeper than that for most guys,” Tony said. 

There’s always an element of risk to approaching women in public. The last few years have shed light on the discomfort some women feel when they’re approached by strange men. This has definitely made “approach anxiety” worse, and understandably so.

But it’s important to remember why women can feel so on-guard around men. If a man is rejected, it may bruise his ego. If a woman rejects a man, she could end up with much more than a bruised ego.

But this doesn’t mean you should stop approaching women in public. You just have to refine your approach, hone your skills, and sharpen your sense of when you should and shouldn’t make your move. That’s where Tony’s coaching skills come into play. 

Obviously, the best way to overcome approach anxiety is to gain confidence. Tony helps his clients do this by guiding them through meditation. He calls the meditative process of learning more about yourself while honing your confidence, “inner game work.” 

“I’m probably one of the specialists of inner game in this industry,” he said. Believing that you already have the skills to overcome shyness and discomfort about women is important. Inner game work helps you acknowledge your anxiety issues and unearth confidence. 

Educating yourself on basic approaches, icebreakers, and etiquette skills is just as important as inner game work. Having Tony around to guide you through those steps and the steps that follow can make the confidence-boosting process much easier. 

“One of the first books I get (clients) to read is ‘Double Your Dating’ by David DeAngelo,” Tony told us. In the book, DeAngelo explains the concept of “cocky funny”, which is exactly what it sounds like: embodying confidence in a way that isn’t obnoxious, but suave, even witty. It’s a difficult needle to thread, especially if you’re somewhat lacking in the conversation department. 

Tony told us that men should remember DeAngelo’s “cocky funny” teachings when they feel themselves being pushed into the friend zone. After all, “cocky funny” is just a step away from “flirty,” which absolutely gets the message across that you’re interested in more than friendship. 

“If you don’t do a little push once in a while, all you get is a good rapport,” Tony said. There’s nothing wrong with a good rapport, but it doesn’t always equal romance. 

But even Tony, who described himself as a “self-help junkie,” mentioned how immersing yourself in books and education can only help so much. If Tony asks you how many women you’ve talked to in one week and your answer is “none,” then it may be time to ditch the books and hit the town… at least for one night. 

“I remember being in a bar and I thought everyone was looking at me,” Tony said of his early attempts to talk to women. “I was so self-conscious that everyone was like, ‘Who’s that guy here alone?’” 

Of course, we all logically know that we’re not the center of the universe. This doesn’t make leaving our comfort zones any less nerve-wracking. 

Tony told us that the book “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle is mandatory reading for his clients because it explains how ego often stands in the way of true happiness. 

“The ego plays a huge part in relationships, not just with your spouse, but with yourself,” Tony explained. 

Most people learn how to balance their egos with reality as they grow, but this is especially challenging in vulnerable situations — such as when you’re trying to chat up a woman at a bar. 

The “ego” can be a pretty vague concept, so Tony broke it down for us. He described a scenario in which a man wants to talk to a woman in a bar, but decides against it because she looks like she’s in a bad mood. “I go, ‘Are you a psychic?’” Tony said, the point being that you shouldn’t assume a woman will reject you solely based on the expression on her face. 

Maybe she’s in a bad mood, but maybe she’s just lost in thought. “That girl could be super happy and just waiting to meet a guy like you. And you’ve created this entire egoic story.” 

It’s important to recognize when you’re imposing your own ego onto someone else. Is what you’re afraid of actually happening? “Get out of your head, guys,” Tony advised.

At the end of the day, nothing Tony or anyone else says matters if you aren’t willing to hone your skills in the real world. “(Some men) think themselves out of taking action,” he said.

“Most guys, because it’s something so new, it’s like running through a dark tunnel,” Tony explained. “They don’t know what’s ahead of them. So they’re scared (that) they’re going to trip and hurt themselves.” 

This is an understandable fear, but it becomes a real problem when it gets in the way of your happiness. 

That’s why Tony suggested that men prepare themselves for failure. “Yeah, you’re going to trip and hurt yourself many, many times. That’s why (my book) is called ‘A Thousand Tiny Failures.’” 

In his book, Tony describes how all of the rejection he experienced made him stronger. “You learn to laugh about it and don’t take it so seriously.” 

There’s freedom in ignoring your ego. As soon as you make peace with the possibility of “no”, you can embrace the promise of an eventual “yes.”