What Do Women Want? Tips for Dating in the Modern Age

Sometimes it seems that what women are looking for can change on a dime.

One minute it’s Manic Pixie Dream Boy and the next it’s Lumbersexuals. They are supposedly eyeing the hedge fund bros while simultaneously fending off “Bucket Bunnies” and “Row Hoes” for the blue-collar line workers. It can be really confusing to know what women want.

And hey, let’s face it, if THAT code were cracked, life would be very different.

Hobbies are important. Here are some of the “most attractive” hobbies, according to women in a survey by Date Psychology. I will be dealing with some more esoteric things, but wanted you to see this list.

• Reading – 98.2%
• Foreign Languages – 95.6%
• Playing an Instrument – 95.4%
• Cooking – 95.1%
• Woodworking – 94.4%
• Painting – 94.1%
• Writing – 93.8%
• Gardening – 93.8%

These hobbies aren’t all that hard to jump into (well, except maybe for learning a foreign language) if you put in a few hours a day and perhaps have some good TikTok or YouTube videos to give you tips and recommendations along the way.

While all of these hobbies manifest themselves differently, there are some fundamental feelings and desires that most women (and people in general) will be drawn to regardless of the current trends. I call them the Five Fs: Finance, Friends/Family, Future, Fitness, & Fun.

Right off the bat, this can be challenging, as women can out-earn men in a lot of metropolitan areas.

And we are still, IMHO, holding on to a bit of an outdated, heteronormative notion of the man needing to earn more.

All that could be another article, so let’s focus more on what we can focus on. Women want to know that you are not in incredible debt, that you have money coming in, and that they don’t need to support you.

The economy is tough right now, and no one expects ridiculous things, but knowing you can support yourself, maybe have some money in the bank, and some thoughts on how to earn more will go a long way.

I’m looping these two into the same category, though they could easily be split. But this is more about how you and the world at large communicate and interact. It is a bit of social proof.

Are you vetted? Do other people like you? Do you like other people? Are you living with joy or bitterness?

Just because you didn’t have a great childhood or don’t have a lot of friends, that doesn’t disqualify you from this category. It’s more about how you talk and feel about it. There’s an old adage I like: “If you meet one a$$ in your day, he’s the a$$. If you meet 10 a$$es in your day, you’re the a$$.”

What are your happy memories tied to? This gives them an idea of what a possible future with you looks like. Speaking of the future….

What are your plans for the future? Look, it doesn’t matter if you’re living in your parents’ basement, if you have money saved, are going to school, have a job and an idea of what you’re working toward.

Women want to know you are planning and thinking about things and getting your ducks in a row.

You don’t have to have your entire future mapped out, but an answer of, “I dunno, seeing where life takes me,” when asked about your future plans isn’t going to raise a green flag. What are your passions? If you are currently stuck at a dead-end job, but are looking for another and actively working on a side hustle, that shows you have drive.

Also, women really love someone who can alter the physical world. What I mean is someone who can do things in real life, not just on paper. If you are an actuary, be a gardener at home. If you code all day, paint or sculpt something into the world.

I build furniture, but I also do cross-stitch. Both of these things show me creating something and bringing it into the world to last for the future. If you look at the graph above, over one-third of those hobbies are about creating something that lasts.

Believe it or not, most women are NOT looking for ripped abs and rock-hard biceps. Yeah, it might be fun for all of us to feel a well-muscled, well-looked-after body.

But the mind behind it is an obsessive gym rat who can only talk about protein and skinless chicken breast. Not so much fun.

What women are looking for is someone who is looking after their health. You don’t have to be in top shape, heck, look at these guys on Reddit.

If you are drinking every night, eating nothing but junk food, and living a sedentary lifestyle, it’s not going to look like you are respecting your body and yourself. What do you do to move? Even if it’s walking around your city or down the lane, it’s getting out and about.

At the end of the day, we want to be with someone who makes us smile, laugh, and enjoy ourselves. I remember taking a client out one night to The Dead Rabbit Pub in NYC, and he talked too much about how we had to have the perfect thing to say to women to get them to want to talk to us, etc.

To prove a point, I walked up to a pair of lovely ladies and said, “Hey, my friend and I want to talk to you and entertain you and try and get you to laugh and smile. If we do, we’d like to keep talking to you, and if we don’t, we’ll walk away. How ‘bout that?”

My client was mortified, but the two ladies looked at each other, nodded and said, “OK!” He thought I had revealed a hidden truth or spoken the unspeakable. Instead, I just showed what they knew already: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

I have a head for jokes and remember them well, so I always have a corny joke on hand. Yes, it does get a groan and eye roll, but it also lightens the mood and gets a smile.

While long, late-night deep conversations are definitely a fun and needed part of relationships and getting to know each other, it can’t all be heavy. Where do you go that makes you smile?

When you are having fun, your eyes light up, you get excited, you get more energy and volume in your voice and t you look happy. That, in turn, makes them happy. Now you have a positive feedback loop!

While it is good to know what women are looking for, it’s just as important to know what some major turn-offs are for them as well. Here are some of the least attractive hobbies, according to the same Date Psychology survey.

As before, it’s not just about hobbies either, it’s about what’s inside. Some things that women are definitely NOT looking for are:

Insecurity

So she earns more money than you do, so what? If you get all weird and hurt and feel emasculated by this, you’re not going to be showcasing your best features.

Also, none of us are the best or worst at ANYTHING. There’s always someone “better” than you in different areas, but to feel and look and comment on that is not a good look.

Freeloading

As I mentioned, you might be “between opportunities” at the moment and that’s OK, we all go through rough patches. More important is what you are doing about it. Are you doing everything you can to make it work? Great!

Also, back to the finance aspect, she wants to know you can support yourself and that you’re not going to be a parasite or drain on her. If you make significantly less than her, that’s OK if you’re actively participating in the relationship and trying to help her out. Do the cooking or cleaning or other chores.

Emotionally Stunted

Look, guys, harsh truth time. It once used to be “OK” to simply earn a good living and be a stone, aka uninvolved husband, aka a dick. That wasn’t really all that good back then, but it was acceptable and almost excused.

But that time’s up. Women want men who are more evolved and emotionally mature.

Do the inner work! Go to therapy. Learn social skills, meet people in real life, be invested in your life and community. Know who you are, have some communication skills, and be open to curiosity and change.

At the end of the day, all women are different, but one thing that’s the same is that they don’t want to date a loser or a creep! Women want a man who has something valuable to offer her (not necessarily financial or sexual) and carries himself with confidence.

You might not be every woman’s type, but your dating prospects will change if you work on yourself and create a fulfilling life that doesn’t need a woman to complete it — but to join it!