5 Green Flags That Lead to Lasting Love

I’ve noticed something fascinating in my years of coaching singles: we’re absolutely obsessed with red flags! When I ask singles what they want in a relationship, they usually give me a list full of qualities they don’t want in a relationship, but quickly go completely blank when I ask what they’re actually looking for.

I might ask, “What do you want in a partner?” I typically hear: “Well, I don’t want someone controlling,” or “Definitely not another narcissist,” or my personal favorite, “No mama’s boys!”

I get it. I’ve been there myself. I spent years focusing on what I didn’t want, and you know what that got me? A lot of dates with people I didn’t want, but in different ways each time!

You get in what you put out. Before I met my husband, I was fantastic at spotting the wrong people, but terrible at recognizing the right one. I almost missed out on the love of my life because he didn’t fit my superficial checklist. He wasn’t my usual type. I’m so grateful I’d done enough personal growth work by then to recognize the authentic green flags waving right in front of my face.

Today, I want to share the green flags that actually matter. As a dating coach, these are the ones that created lasting love in my own relationship and the ones I’ve watched transform hundreds of my clients’ love lives through my Conscious Dating Process.

I believe the foundation of all healthy relationships is emotional safety. For many years, I didn’t know what it was like to have someone love you without fear of judgment, ridicule, or rejection.

I remember an important moment with my partner about two months into dating. I’d had a terrible day at work and was feeling completely vulnerable and raw. In past relationships, I’d learned to downplay these moments, fearing I’d be too much or too negative. But this time was different.

Instead of trying to fix my problems or dismiss my feelings with toxic positivity (“Look on the positive side!”), my partner simply sat with me, listened attentively, and said, “That sounds really hard. I’m so sorry. I’m here for you.”

That moment of being truly seen and accepted in my mess changed everything for me. I knew I was with someone who could hold space for my full spectrum of emotions — not just the pretty parts.

The goal is not to fall for the Marketing Trap, where you bend and morph your true authentic self to make someone like you. I encourage my clients to be authentic and to look for partners who don’t make them feel like they need to edit themselves or perform happiness when they’re hurting. I certainly found this, and it’s transformed how I show up in my relationship.

I’ve come to believe one of the most powerful green flags is sustained curiosity. I don’t mean just that initial fascination that comes with new romance during the honeymoon phase. No, I’m talking about a genuine, long-lasting interest in discovering who I am as a person.

With my partner, I noticed something I’d never experienced before with others I had dated. He was attentive and asked thoughtful follow-up questions about things I’d mentioned before. He remembered details about my childhood stories and checked in about work projects I was excited about. He made me feel like he cared.

This wasn’t performative; he was genuinely interested in who I was as a person, and I found myself opening up in ways I had never had before.

I tell my dating clients all the time that love isn’t just about being seen. It’s about being remembered. When someone pays attention to the details of my life, they’re saying, “You matter to me. Your experiences matter to me. I’m investing in knowing you.” I felt this investment from day one with my partner.

I’ve learned that this curiosity needs to extend beyond the honeymoon phase. Fifteen years into my relationship, my partner and I still discover new things about each other because we haven’t stopped asking questions. I find this ongoing discovery incredibly energizing in our relationship.

You don’t really know someone until you’ve had a disagreement with them. I believe conflict doesn’t break great relationships…it reveals areas you need to work on together and potentially strengthens them.

In my past relationships, I’d experienced defensiveness, stonewalling, or emotional manipulation during disagreements. I didn’t grow up around the best role models for conflict resolution skills, nor did my partner. 

We both were raised with the idea of winning an argument. It takes significant effort for both of us to break our unconscious programming and actually let go of the urge to try to win. Unlike the rest of my past relationships, he was the first person willing to work with me on our conflict-resolution skills and wasn’t afraid to seek professional help.

That was a big moment for me. I recognized that he was more committed to understanding himself and being better in our relationship than winning. I encourage my clients to look for someone who doesn’t see conflict as a threat but as an opportunity to understand each other better. 

I’ve experienced how red flag partners make disagreements feel unsafe, while green flag partners feel productive even when they’re uncomfortable. I’m so grateful I found someone who is willing to work through our differences rather than making me feel diminished by them.

A partner who owns their emotional responses rather than blaming me for them is absolutely invaluable. I consider this perhaps the most crucial green flag of all.

I remember one time I needed to tell my partner I wanted space one weekend to work on a project. In my previous relationships, this kind of request would have triggered accusations. “You never want to spend time with me,” or “You’re always so selfish.” I’d learned to brace myself for an emotional conflict whenever I expressed a need for independence.

But my partner completely surprised me by saying, “I’ll miss you, but I understand this is important to you. Take as much time as you need for yourself!”

I was taken aback. He recognized that the feelings of disappointment were his, not mine. He didn’t make me responsible for managing his emotions. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders that I hadn’t even realized I’d been carrying.

I’ve found this level of emotional responsibility means I can be vulnerable without walking on eggshells. I can express my needs without fearing an emotional retaliation. I can show up authentically without being manipulated or controlled. This has been one of the most liberating experiences I have had in a relationship. 

Many immediately think about material generosity, like picking up a check or giving thoughtful gifts. While I appreciate those gestures, I’m actually talking about something much deeper: generosity of spirit.

Do they freely offer appreciation and acknowledgment? Do they give their full attention when I’m speaking rather than being distracted while scrolling their phone?

I saw this great quality in my partner early when I was out on a date and saw a waiter mix up our order. Rather than getting irritated as I’d seen previous dates do, he smiled and said, “They must be short on staff and really busy tonight…the restaurant is packed.” That small moment of extending grace to a stranger told me so much about how he would treat me as a partner. 

When I started prioritizing these green flags over my superficial list or chemistry alone, my love life completely changed, and my experience transformed from an anxiety-producing minefield to an exciting journey of self-discovery.

By getting clear about the green flags that actually mattered for lasting connection, I found a relationship that feels both secure and exciting, both connected and vulnerable. I didn’t settle. I actually raised my standards for the things that truly matter.

I’ll be honest: the love of my life wasn’t wrapped in the package I expected. He wasn’t my type in terms of my superficial list. But he waved every green flag that mattered to me, creating a relationship that keeps getting better rather than deteriorating with time. We work every day to keep our love going. Our love isn’t perfect, but we are perfectly made for each other.