What Is Abstinence? Motivation, Benefits, Tips & Testimonies

In high school health class, nothing raised eyebrows more than the word “abstinence.” 

You want us — a classroom of hormonal, pubescent teenagers — to say “no way” to sexual activity? Yeah, that’s totally going to happen. Even the health teacher must have known it was a lost cause. 

Sexual abstinence means abstaining from sexual activity while dating. Typically, those practicing it are waiting for a particular milestone — moving in, engagement, or marriage. 

When you’re a young adult, abstinence can feel like a prison. But as we develop our own priorities and sexual preferences, abstinence can be freeing — even empowering. 

Misconceptions about the practice of abstinence abound. Not everyone who chooses abstinence is religious, and it’s not as rare as you might think.

Whether you’re practicing abstinence or encounter someone who is, this guide will help you better understand how sexual abstinence affects people in the modern dating world. 

Motivations | History | Benefits | Misconceptions | Tips | Testimonials

Abstinence may sound baffling to some, but to others, it’s an empowering personal preference that makes sex more meaningful. Understanding why a date or potential partner refraining from sex is an important part of respecting and understanding them. 

Personal and Moral Beliefs

To have sex, or not to have sex? With so many factors to consider, this can be a debilitating question, but not for people who choose to practice abstinence. 

With the world becoming more sexually liberated, people have to determine their moral compass as it pertains to sex.

Abstinence can feel empowering to certain people because it helps them feel like they’re in control of their sex lives. 

Abstaining from sex can be a personal choice that stems from what you were taught by your family, how you view sexual relations among your peers, or your hopes for a relationship in the future. Maybe you want to save yourself for “The One” or just don’t want the drama that comes with an active sex life.

Health Considerations

Abstinence from sex might be necessary for people with sexually transmitted infections. People may practice abstinence because they’re aware that they have certain health complications, such as HIV or an STI.

Sexual abstinence ensures more people don’t become infected. When it comes to deadly situations, such as the HIV outbreak in the 1980s, abstinence may seem like the safest choice.

Religious Motivations

Religion is a common reason people are motivated to practice sexual abstinence. As I mentioned earlier, religious teachings often encourage people to wait to have sex until marriage. The Bible tells Christians that their body is a sacred temple, and the Quran tells people of the Islamic faith that sex is a distraction that will lead them away from true piety.

Relationship Dynamics

People may also practice sexual abstinence because of the nature of their relationship. This can be a result of a romantic rut or how the two vibe with one another.

Some married couples don’t engage in sex very often because they’re too busy or too tired. As couples get older, their sex drives may decrease to the point where they don’t desire sexual intercourse at all.

Christian couples may agree to remain celibate until marriage or another milestone.

It’s important to not compare someone’s sexual interaction with one partner to another because the relationship dynamic can be completely different. 

Just Because

Look, some people just aren’t interested in sex. They might still be interested in a relationship. They might even have kinks and be willing to engage in sex-adjacent activities. But they don’t feel the desire to have sexual intercourse. Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation that can be satisfying for people whose sex drives are low or nonexistent.

Abstinence isn’t anything new. Just ask your mom, dad, fun aunt, or grandparent. They were all likely taught abstinence grounded in religious values and society’s morals. I’ve certainly heard my older family members balk at the “three date rule” and talk about how different the dating expectations are today.

Over the decades, abstinence has become less of a strict rule as people started to engage in and accept casual sex (thank you, Madonna!). 

Origins of Abstinence Practices

Historically, sex before marriage has been taboo for way longer than it’s been accepted. Watch any mainstream movie from before the ‘60s, and chances are you’ll never come across a blatant sex scene, not even among a married couple. Married couples might even have separate beds! 

Puritanical values still dictate waiting for the wedding night. Many religious teachings emphasize abstinence as a way of avoiding the temptation to sin.

Birth control is one practical reason for encouraging abstinence in society. Condoms have existed in one form or another since the days of ancient Egypt, but the birth control pill didn’t become available until 1960. That means truly effective contraception has only existed for just over half a century. Before that, abstinence was the safest bet for avoiding unwanted pregnancies.

Of course, abstinence persists because it’s about more than birth control. Many religious groups view abstinence as a moral imperative and a way to maintain “purity.” Such teachings attempt to restrict and control human sexual behavior. After all, if you’re told abstinence is the morally correct option from a young age, you’re bound to follow it, right?

Progressive and feminist groups have long argued that abstinence-only teachings are toxic and shame people, particularly women, for pursuing sexual desires. However, abstinence-only sex education is still taught in many more conservative communities, and it’s very much still part of American culture.

Evolution of the Concept 

The temperance movement of the 18th century revolved around rejecting temptation. Christian followers signed pledge cards and made promises to God to abstain from alcohol, sex, and even dancing in some cases. The classic movie “Footloose” isn’t just an excuse to show off Kevin Bacon’s dance moves – that sort of thing actually happened. 

Much like the dance-starved teens of Bomont, young singles weren’t keen to abstain for very long. The roaring 20s saw a rise in pleasure-seeking defiance as young women known as flappers began flaunting the norms of the time with their positively scandalous knee-high skirts and casual approach to sex.

Over the years, many progressive women have challenged sexual norms and fought for greater sexual autonomy (slut-shaming is so last century!). Many credit the rise of the sexual revolution of the 1960s to the development of the birth control pill, which finally put women in control of their reproductive health. Soon, abstinence was very much out as the de facto rule, and the era of free love began.

Relevancy Today

While individuals in some communities still practice obligatory abstinence, for many people, abstaining from sex is a personal choice. 

Many people use the term “celibacy” to describe voluntary abstinence from sexual activity.  Outside of religion, people may practice celibacy for personal growth or to focus on careers, schooling, or other areas of their lives. 

Actor Andrew Garfield said abstaining from sex for six months was a “spiritual experience” that taught him a lot about himself.

It’s safe to say that practicing abstinence comes with some benefits. These benefits can be apparent in your relationship or personal growth. 

Emotional and Mental Health Benefits

I wonder how much time humans spend thinking about, talking about, and having sex. Just imagine how much you could accomplish during that time! 

Abstinence creates space for people to focus and find clarity in their personal lives.

Sex is an emotional encounter just as much as it is physical, so it can take a toll on your well-being.

If you’ve ever walked away from a sexual encounter feeling less-than-stellar about yourself, you’re not alone. Plenty of case studies show that engaging in casual hookups or meaningless sex can cause low self-esteem and depression. 

Sexual abstinence is a refreshing way to get your mental health on track. Putting a pause on connecting with others physically and connecting with yourself is necessary every once in a while. 

Physical Health Advantages

No STIs? That’s a huge point in abstinence’s favor. Unprotected sex can lead to STIs, and those itchy symptoms may be more than enough motivation for some people to stay away from random sex encounters.

Some women find that sex has negative physical effects by throwing off their PH balance and causing infections. Abstinence is a way to protect and regenerate your body, if this is something you struggle with.

Strengthened Personal Relationships

Ironically, there are times when sex gets in the way of a couple’s intimacy. People may think they’re truly connected, only to discover that without sex, they’re not as close as they thought they were. 

I’ve heard my friends say they wanted to practice abstinence in their relationship because they want to reach a new level of intimacy — without the complications of sexual desire. 

Abstinence can improve romantic relationships and platonic friendships by making room for conversations, date nights, and other fun activities outside the bedroom. When couples stop obsessing over sex, they can connect in different ways and explore the substance of their relationship. 

Improved Focus and Productivity in Life

Let’s be real:, sex can sometimes be an unnecessary distraction. By abstaining from sex, some people may find they are more productive. Their lack of a sex life may mean they can focus on things that matter. Instead of chasing tail, perhaps they’re chasing career dreams or making the most of their platonic friendships.

It’s so easy to get caught up in carnal desire, but that may not be a great idea when you have adult responsibilities. Some adults practice abstinence in large part because sex complicates things, and it can be simpler to stay out of those sticky situationships. 

Sexual abstinence isn’t always a walk in the park. People sometimes have the wrong idea about what sexual abstinence is like. After all, abstinence is (ironically) all about sex, which means it’s something of a taboo topic. That’s why you have to learn discipline so that you can overcome those misconceptions.

1. It Leads to Sexual Repression

People can perceive abstinence as a form of sexual repression. They falsely label those practicing abstinence as repressed or immature.

Think of the stereotype of a prudish virgin who isn’t in tune with their sexuality. In reality, that’s far from the truth. 

Sexually abstinent individuals can still feel natural sexual urges and desires. They may gratify themselves, or they may enjoy the voyeurism of pornography.

Abstinence doesn’t equate to innocence. Even if a person doesn’t act on sexual urges, they can still have dirty thoughts and feel excitement for the day they do decide to bump uglies. Sexual thoughts and raunchy conversations may arise, but abstinence means having the discipline — or simply the desire — to not take it any further than that. 

2.  It’s Only For Teenagers

People often associate abstinence with a younger age group. You undoubtedly remember those awkward health class lessons! Many parents talk to their teenage children about sex and urge them to either be safe or wait to have sex altogether. 

Religious teachings on sex are usually abstinence first, meaning they teach young people about sex by telling them not to have it and not to think about it. Sounds easy enough, right? Obviously, this isn’t known for being a super effective deterrent for teen sex.

In reality, abstinence doesn’t have an age limit. A growing number of 20-somethings are embracing a life of celibacy. Some say it just makes life easier.

 “I decided to give myself a year of no sex,” a 21-year-old named Drew said in a VICE interview. “Chasing girls and getting heartbroken clouded my judgment. So I did it for me.” 

3. It’s Uncommon or Weird

It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one practicing abstinence when hookup culture seems like all people talk about. 

You have to remember that the media is biased toward sexy topics. Sex sells, and abstinence doesn’t. Even though celibacy isn’t the hottest topic, it’s a real trend (#boysober) that’s all too relevant in the dating scene.

Many adult singles choose to forgo sex. It is not weird. I’d actually say it’s rather brave.

Of course, you may encounter bad dates who try to put pressure on you to have sex. They may come at you with arguments like “it’s not a big deal” or “everybody does it “ Don’t let anyone gaslight you into compromising your values. There is no normal timeline for sex, and anyone trying to talk you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable – well, they’re the ones with the problem.

You deserve respectful partners who will embrace and accept your abstinence. Regardless of their sexual choices, those around you must respect your decision to have a sex-free dating life. 

Set Clear Intentions and Goals

Sex is a hot topic, there’s no denying it. The question of when and how you will have sex will definitely come up in your conversations when you’re dating. Trying to avoid the conversation will only stall the relationship. 

As nerve-wracking as it is, you have to be open about your sexual abstinence and be willing to let others decide whether they want to join you in your commitment. Own your decision! 

Talk to your romantic partner about:

• Why you don’t want to have sex.
• What your expected timeframe for building intimacy is.
• How your partner can support you on this journey.

When discussing your abstinence, discuss your motivations and goals so that your partner clearly understands why you’re choosing abstinence and what you would need to choose to have sex. For example, a student might want to be sexually abstinent for a couple of months while focusing on exams for the semester. Another person may want to remain abstinent until marriage or until moving in with a significant other.   

Partners should ask nonjudgmental questions and provide concrete answers in their discussions about sex and abstinence. Don’t leave any room for interpretation or misunderstanding because that will only lead to heartbreak. 

Build a Supportive Environment

Community is everything! A strong, like-minded community helps us remain steadfast in our goals and values. The people around us can build us back up when we’re at our lowest points. 

A simple online search will help you find wholesome communities that connect people on their abstinence journey. 

You can find a supportive environment by visiting local churches, talking to your friend groups, and searching on the web. Podcasters and social media influencers like B Simone share their abstinence stories in hopes of encouraging and inspiring others around the world. 

Sometimes talking to a loved one about your abstinence journey isn’t the most comfortable conversation, so it’s nice to use the anonymity of the online world to have honest discussions about celibacy. Perhaps hearing about other people’s dating experiences will uplift you and remind you that you’re not alone. 

Respect Boundaries & Different Perspectives

Arethra Franklin was right: Respect is an essential aspect of a healthy relationship (sock it to me!). In all seriousness, finding someone who respects your boundaries is important and will play a huge role in whether your relationship will last. 

Not everyone defines their sexual abstinence the same way. Some may draw the line at any type of sexual activity, even something as minor as a caress. Others may see no harm in exploring oral sex as long as there isn’t any penetration. Romantic partners need to have these conversations and be open about their boundaries and expectations in the bedroom.

It’s perfectly reasonable for people to have different perspectives as it pertains to abstinence, but respecting each other’s perspectives is key. 

Abstinence is a journey, and everyone arrives at it differently. Some Christian singles may have always known they wanted to wait until marriage. Others may have fallen into the lifestyle unintentionally because they were waiting for the absolute right person. 

A 27-year-old named Jenny shared how her abstinence experience led to her meeting her husband. He also remained abstinent in his dating life. Jenny met her husband at the young age of 15. She wanted to save sex until marriage because she believed that the best things in life were worth waiting for. Although it wasn’t always easy to go against societal norms, Jenny claims that it was the best decision for her and her husband.

“Choosing abstinence kept me free from any risk of STDs or an unplanned pregnancy. It also kept my heart from being broken after bonding with someone by having sex and then breaking up. My decision also enabled me to achieve my goals, have healthy relationships, and have a lot of fun just being young,” Jenny said.  

“Choosing abstinence kept me free from any risk of STDs or an unplanned pregnancy.” — Jenny, a young woman who waited to have sex until marriage

Jenny also shared how she felt abstinence strengthened her relationships. She said not focusing on sex was a great choice for building intimacy on another level. “I also had confidence that the person I was dating liked me for who I was, not just for what I could give him,” she said.

But not everyone chooses to be abstinent early in their life. An anonymous woman in her 50s shared how, after her divorce, she went through a sexually active phase, became disillusioned, and eventually decided to be celibate. Celibacy wasn’t her first choice, but after conflict over finding partners and finding time to schedule sex, she decided it was for the best. 

“I didn’t decide to be celibate, but life happened.” — a 50-year-old divorcée

Abstinence turned out to work in her favor and helped her reach goals in her personal life. “Two years ago, I decided to snatch myself up and get really healthy. I lost 75 pounds, I work out like a beast, and my body has not looked better. I feel infinitely feminine,” said the 50-year-old woman. 

Sexual abstinence is a choice that shouldn’t be made lightly, nor should anyone feel pressured to deny their sexual urges. 

Abstaining from sex may be a religious promise that deepens faith. Or it could be a personal preference to focus on the emotional over the physical aspects of relationships. Or it could just seem easier to save sex for later. Some people find that practicing abstinence allows them to become a better version of themselves. 

What you learned in health class in seventh grade may no longer resonate as an adult, and that’s perfectly OK. But if abstinence is appealing to you, that’s perfectly OK, too! It’s a special journey that you can define and decide for yourself.