How I Met My Husband on Bumble (7 Expert Strategies & Tips)

I had been reading about, thinking about, and writing about the science of love for a few decades. I’d written three books on relationships and wrote a dissertation on Attachment Theory. Yet, despite all of this, I was single. 

Well, I wasn’t really single. I was securely attached to two fabulous little people who lived in my home — my daughters. 

I’d made a vow to devote everything I had to them, and I was worried that my bad romantic choices could ruin their childhood! I stayed single for decades, but as they got older, I knew it was time to find a kick-ass relationship. 

I wasn’t going to be one of those single mothers who followed her young adult kids around the world like some kind of puppy dog. So what did I do? I joined Bumble.

I knew the dangers of the apps. And I don’t mean dangers about meeting potentially violent strangers or having my money stolen from me. I’m levelheaded and have the good sense to know not to take risks in that way. 

For me, the dangers of the apps were how they biohack human brains, making users addicted to an app rather than actually finding love. Some people are satiated by an inbox full of messages that they never even get dressed and go out the door on a date! I call that “dating apathy.” 

This happens because of a cognitive bias called the “paradox of choice.”

The more choices the human brain is presented with — like hundreds of profiles on a dating app — the less likely we are to make a choice. And even when we do make a choice, we are less likely to value that choice. 

We wonder about the bigger, better deal that might’ve gotten away. Grass is always greener, right?

I devised a strategy to combat the paradox of choice and make dating apps reflect real-world experiences. I had talked about my strategy on my iHeartRadio show in Los Angeles, but I’ve never actually tried it out myself.

Now it was time. Could the master who teaches people how to find love actually find love herself?

I made sure to have a picture of myself smiling. Research shows men like to see the teeth. 

Putting sexy pictures or highly filtered photos is only a good idea if you’re looking for sex. It entices too many people looking for a short-term relationship, and I was looking for a long-term relationship. 

I posted one full-length picture of myself, but I was fully dressed. I kept in mind my goal was to find one single person, not to appeal to a horde of people. 

I also added a photo of me in the broadcast studio, wearing a set of headsets and a sweatshirt that read, “I’m not for everyone.” I wasn’t. And I’m still not. But I am delightfully perfect for my husband, whom I found on Bumble. 

What follows is a step-by-step strategy for making dating apps work for you. It worked for me!

1. Limit Your Choices

Never allow yourself to match with more than two people at once. Spend time eliminating one of them and then go back in and find another one. This will keep the brain from feeling confused over paradox of choice.

Limiting yourself to only two people to chat with in your message box helps keep your eye on the goal.

2. Ghost the Apathetic Ones

Begin messaging on the app. If a person is not responsive or responds with only few words, just swipe left and ghost them. You’ve saved yourself a lot of time.

If they don’t even have the energy to send a woman entertaining texts, then they’re definitely not going to have the energy to have a long-term relationship.

3. Get on the Phone

After a few positive text exchanges, type your phone number in that message box. Tell the person you’re not really into text communication, and you’d be happy to jump on the phone or have a video call. If they’re not into that, move on.

4. Interview by Phone or Video

The call is a great time to eliminate bad matches. You do not need to waste your time getting dressed up for a date. Trust me, it’ll be obvious over the call if it’s not a good match. If all goes well, schedule a short coffee date.

5. Have Coffee

Don’t go on an expensive first date! This isn’t lowering the bar. This is about creating scarcity. Scarcity of your time.

Nobody deserves a whole evening of your time if they’re a perfect stranger. Spend 20 to 30 minutes at a local coffee shop to see if you’d like to go on a longer date with this complete stranger.

Note: Even if you’re really into this person, and you hit it off, do not extend this date more than 30 minutes. You have to leave them wanting more. People love and value what they get to work for. Also, look for signs that they’re willing to sacrifice for you and drive to your neighborhood.

6. Dress up for the Real First Date

After the coffee date, if you both determine that you’d like to do so, then it’s time for an evening, dress-up date.

7. Pay Attention to Rematches

One other note: Even though I met my husband on Bumble, one of the things I don’t like about Bumble is that after a match happens, the woman has 24 hours to initiate the conversation. I think that defies basic biology. I believe that sperm chases the egg, not the reverse. 

However, I accidentally learned that after the 24 hours expire, a guy can rematch with the woman to show he’s really interested. These guys appear at the top of a woman’s screen with their faces grayed out. 

I had picked up the app one day and clicked on one of those faces. Thank goodness I did. It was my husband. 

He had rematched with me a number of times because he was really into me. I’ve since learned that many women use this technique purposefully. They allow matches to expire first and only talk to the guys who rematch with them. It shows that they’re actually interested.

When my now husband responded to my first text, he typed my name in full capital letters, and he added lots of exclamation marks. He said, “WENDY!!!! Where have you been? I kept rematching with you, but you disappeared!” 

I had accidentally created scarcity, and I had left him wanting more.

There would’ve been days in the past where I might’ve thought he was trying too hard or maybe was too nice. But not this day.  

After a lifetime of bad boys and cheaters, and years of dedication as a single mother, I knew my worth. I was deserving of all those exclamation marks. And so are you. 

If a guy shows a lot of energy on an app, that means he’s really into you. This is what you should be looking for. Who doesn’t want somebody to love them dearly and deeply?

After four years, my husband and I were married in a dreamy vineyard ceremony in Southern Oregon wine country. He’s such a romantic. During the ceremony, he was the one who teared up during his vows. I was just dancing with joy.