A Relationship Coach’s Guide to the End of the Honeymoon Phase

The Short Version: Relationships face their first real test at the end of the honeymoon phase. Will your love grow, or will it fade? Men’s relationship coach Emyli Lovz gave us tips on how to overcome common post-honeymoon relationship hurdles, from a flagging spark to ineffective communication. 

I didn’t know I was in the honeymoon phase until it ended. My first real boyfriend and I were trying to decide on something fun to do one night when the thought crept into my head: It shouldn’t be this hard. I was surprised by my brain’s pessimism. What’s so hard about choosing between seeing a movie or getting a drink? Hadn’t my boyfriend and I had this debate at least 20 times before? 

And yet, something about this time was different. The day before, my boyfriend’s hemming and hawing was a cute personality quirk. But that night, it irritated me. And it continued to irritate me until it was the only personality trait I could focus on. Try as I might, I couldn’t recreate the rose-colored experiences from our first few months of dating. 

I didn’t know then what I know now: The honeymoon phase is just one of many phases in the life cycle of a relationship. And according to men’s dating and relationship coach Emyli Lovz from emlovz, a relationship’s life cycle can consistently renew itself if you and your partner lovingly tend to it. 

“The first step is to recommit to the relationship,” she told us. “View your partner as an ally and teammate and commit to reaching a better place together.”

It helps when you have conflict resolution tools and other dating tips from relationship coaches like Emyli. 

“When the honeymoon phase ends, many fall into the power struggle phase, which can often damage the relationship,” Emyli said. In the power struggle phase, couples “may feel they’ve fallen out of love or believe their partner doesn’t love them, which creates tension and relationship poisons.”

Some “poisons” that wreak havoc on relationships are criticism, blame, stonewalling, and withdrawal, she told us. 

Nowadays, I usually attribute the end of the honeymoon phase to newfound familiarity and comfort, but Emyli took it a step further. “The neurotransmitters released during the honeymoon phase naturally wear off,” she explained. She specifically named dopamine and oxytocin as the offending chemicals. “This leads [couples] to think something is wrong.” In reality, your giddiness has simply transformed into something softer and quieter, but no less powerful.  

The power struggle phase comes with its own challenges, but it is as rewarding as the honeymoon phase. It’s the ideal time to take an outside view of your behavior. Have you ever snapped at your significant other? Have you ever been stubborn or controlling or defensive? 

Keep an eye on your negative interactions with your partner. Emyli recommends “maintaining a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions” because it “fosters a healthy, happy relationship.” It’s easy to fall into a behavioral rut, so it’s important to look at your behavior from a bird’s eye view. “Highlight your partner’s strengths before giving feedback,” she added. 

Getting through the power struggle phase is about recognizing the positive and negative aspects of your own behavior, and owning up to how it has affected your relationship. Emyli told us how the satisfaction of putting real, concentrated effort into your relationship far exceeds the chemical buzz of the honeymoon phase. “At that stage, the joy in the relationship comes not from neurotransmitters but from consciously chosen actions and behaviors.”

Knowledge is power, which Emyli emphasized in our interview. “Couples often don’t know these [relationship] stages exist, so they’re unprepared when the honeymoon phase wears off,” she told us. 

Well, now we know. But I can’t help but think about the moments in a serious relationship when the excitement fades too much. Can couples revive their long-lost spark? 

If there’s a spark, a flame isn’t far behind — if you know how to fan it. But Emyli told us how poor time management skills can suppress romance. Emyli’s advice is to rethink the tasks you spend energy on every day. 

“In your relationship, aim to have small, medium, and large connecting rituals,” Emyli advised. Consider the time you spend scrolling through social media. Some of that time could be better spent talking to and bonding with your S.O.

A small ritual could be sharing a cup of coffee together or going for a nightly walk. Medium and large rituals require more time and energy, but they prove your dedication to your partner. “A medium ritual could be a weekly date night, and a large ritual might be a weekend trip or week-long vacation together,” Emyli suggested. Whatever you choose to do, the key is to make a plan and stick to it. 

It’s easy to forget how nice it feels when someone I love chooses to focus on me over daily distractions. Planning a trip together is another great way to bond with your partner, especially since it gives you both something to look forward to in the future. Emyli called this a “large connecting ritual” because it keeps you both invested in a fulfilling activity. 

If planning weekly date nights, vacations, and romantic rituals sounds a lot like dating to you, that’s because it is! “Keep dating your partner,” Emyli emphasized, “even if you live together or have been together a long time.” 

You may read all of this and think, “DatingAdvice, who has the time or money for weekly date nights and quarterly vacations?” I know that kids, careers, and a mortgage are absorbing, but it’s still important for you and your partner to carve out time for each other. 

“Schedule time to be fully present with your partner,” Emyli advised. “It could be 10 minutes after the kids go to bed, a weekly date night with a babysitter, or a 30 minute walk — even with the kids.” 

In the bedroom, take the time to reconnect with your partner on a physical and emotional level. Men might feel particularly pressured to initiate sex, but you shouldn’t rush into anything you or your partner aren’t ready for. “Ensure regular physical touch, and openly discuss what is pleasurable for each of you,” Emyli suggested.

As long as there’s enough time to be your romantic selves and not only “mom and dad,” then there’s room for a spark to grow. 

If you and your partner have the same fights over and over, it’s partly because your communication skills could use some work. Clearly, something isn’t being expressed — or heard. 

But don’t fret. As Emyli told us, “Conflict can be a catalyst for a deeper, more fulfilling connection.” First, you have to acknowledge how your brain and your emotions are closely tied together.

“It’s important to recognize amygdala hijack when we’re upset, as it impairs communication,” Emyli explained. “During amygdala hijacking, the brain shifts into survival mode, often resulting in hurtful words,” Emyli explained. To prevent this from happening again, you have to develop self-awareness. 

Pick up on the moments when your temper boils over. “Having strategies or an understanding of when this happens — for yourself or your partner — helps, as well as acknowledging that poor communication in these moments will pass,” she said. 

Hitting pause on yourself in the middle of a meltdown is not easy to do. But instead of letting anger narrow your vision, allow empathy to give you a more well-rounded view of the situation. “This allows you to explore why disconnects happen and work toward mutual understanding.”

“Aim to understand underlying feelings, needs, fears, or dreams,” Emyli added. Can you understand where your partner’s feelings come from? If not, give them the time and space to explain their side without interrupting.

And a positive attitude, while difficult in tense moments, can go a long way. After all, what you say is just as important as how you say it. 

“When giving feedback, begin by highlighting your partner’s positive actions to keep communication open,” Emyli advised. “Focus on their best intentions, appreciate their efforts, acknowledge strengths, and offer empathy.”

There often isn’t a clear right or wrong in ongoing arguments, which is why positivity and empathy is so important. 

Coming to an agreement about something usually isn’t as important as feeling heard and respected. “Assume the best in your partner, and remember that you’re teammates,” Emyli pointed out. 

I’d much rather look at my partner as a teammate than an adversary. At the end of the day, we both want the same thing: to feel heard, to feel respected, and to feel loved. It may take time and work to achieve these goals, but that’s what makes the post-honeymoon phases so fulfilling.