Do You Have To Feel Instant Attraction

Men's Dating

Do You Have to Feel Instant Attraction?

Nick Slade

Written by: Nick Slade

Nick Slade

Nick spent 20 years in the dating scene before marriage. He has always been the guy friends would come to for advice on relationships, and he developed a knack for giving helpful insights. After college, Nick was a disc jockey for a few years, when the love generation was still alive, so Nick has a lot of relevant experience to draw from when it comes to every aspect of dating, falling in love and screwing things up. He holds Bachelor's degree in humanities and a slew of master’s credits in journalism. Nick is a news junkie and tries to keep up on the latest non-fiction when he has time. He has published two books on how to win at dating and relationships.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

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In this age of instant gratification, we sometimes assume that we have to get the “hots” for our date right away or it’s a lost cause. Not so fast. Love and attraction are two very different things.

• Attraction (lust, if you prefer) is a kind of built-in radar combined with a visceral urge that nature gave us so that we would not forget to make babies and keep the species going. It lives in the physical, sexual and carnal aspects of our being.

• Love is an emotional, intellectual and spiritual bond that grows over time. It is nurtured by familiarity, trust, altruism, need and compassion. Romantic love combines elements of both physical passion and heart-felt compassion.

So, before you give up on that great girl in accounting or the one mom set you up with, remember a few important things:

Passion burns out but compassion doesn’t.

It is a fairly modern thing for people to be brought together through a love relationship. Arranged marriages still tend to have a much higher success rate than chosen marriages. They not only stay together at a higher rate, but they are also happier.

The point is not that you should have someone pick your spouse. Just look at the logic behind the statistics. When a man and woman come together as two people who want to build one life, they work together, they get to know each other, they come to trust each other, and they find comfort in each other’s nearness and embrace.

It’s like building a fire. You need some big logs that will burn slowly and warmly for a long time. It takes some kindling and a spark to ignite it, but if all you have are the twigs and gasoline of romance, you will get a huge, hot flame that will soon leave nothing but ashes.

You can base your relationships on attraction, start with the fireworks and spiral downward. Or you can build a solid foundation for love and respect and wait for the heat of compassion to ignite the flames of passion that will glow gently for many years to come.

“If you’re looking for a serious relationship, then

don’t worry if it starts off without much magic.”

Beauty wins the pageant but not the heart.

Get over your obsession with movie-star good looks. Appearance may attract you initially, but it will never be a factor in the success or happiness of your relationship. Those winning elements have to be discovered over time. You know what else? If she’s beautiful, you will stop noticing or caring after a while. And if she’s not, she will seem a little bit more beautiful every day as you learn the secrets of her soul and experience her affection.

Anyway, you have to look pretty long and hard to find a woman who is not pretty. They all have many amazing aspects to their beauty. The girls you are overlooking now will be the prized gems in a few years. When you’re a little older, you will be blown away by the beauty of girls you would never have looked at when you were younger. And when you go to your 10-year class reunion, you’ll be eating your heart out over the ones you let get away.

One more thing: There is no greater joy than unwrapping a plain Jane at the end of the night and finding the hot body of your dreams. And when you unwrap her heart, you may find that you’ve struck pure gold.

Finding the right girl for you is a process, not a scratch-off lottery card. Catching lightning in a bottle is great for a quick jolt of ecstasy, but it doesn’t last. Dig deep for the diamond in the rough. If you’re just looking for a girl for “Lil’ Elvis” to hook up with, go for the hotties and good luck. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, then don’t worry if it starts off without much magic. You may very well learn that there is a lot to love about this girl, both physically and emotionally.