How Smart Women Can Attract A Date

Women's Dating

7 Things a Smart Woman Can Do to Attract a Date (Feb. 2024)

Rachel Dack

Written by: Rachel Dack

Rachel Dack

Rachel Dack is a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC) and relationship coach specializing in individual and couples psychotherapy. Rachel's areas of expertise include relationships, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and self-esteem.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Do you find yourself wondering if your intelligence and drive are interfering with men finding you attractive? Do you worry if you are too intimidating or too successful to meet the type of guy you are looking for? Do you want to know how to balance your educational and career goals with your goals for love, romance, and a serious relationship?

If you are a successful, independent, strong, and intelligent woman looking for love and wondering how to attract a date without dumbing yourself down, this article is written for you. You may feel that the men you meet don’t want a partner who is smarter or more successful than they are, resulting in dating barriers, insecurities, and rejection. While some studies back this up, there are many men out there who will appreciate you for who you are.  

Here are 7 things a smart woman can do to attract a date and find a rewarding relationship:

1. Don’t Compromise or Hide Who You Are

Practice self-acceptance and foster confidence as opposed to dating with a façade or changing who you are to be liked. Take ownership of your skills, strengths, personality, and accomplishments while continuing to work on being your best self through self-improvement and personal growth. 

Photo of a woman with books
Smart women have a lot to offer potential dates and shouldn’t hide that.

When dating, if you notice yourself changing who you are to avoid rejection, recognize this pattern in yourself and take action to fix it. You may feel vulnerable while dating from a more authentic and transparent place, but this method will lead to stronger emotional connections with matches. Also, remember being confident is different than being arrogant. Generally speaking, confidence is sexy and arrogance is a turn-off. 

2. Be Intentional About What You Want

Use your intelligence to your advantage and be smart when it comes to dating and relationships. This means dating with your values in mind, trusting your gut, not ignoring red flags or trying to change men, and being very clear about your dealbreakers. You may want to join a high-quality dating platform like Elite Singles where over 80% of members are college graduates.

Being intentional also means avoiding people-pleasing tendencies that keep you stuck in the wrong relationships. Don’t stay in dating situations or relationships that don’t feel right. 

Smart women don’t date guys who don’t treat them right. Smart women date guys who are emotionally available, respectful, trustworthy, honest, and share similar values and goals. Smart women don’t make men into projects. Don’t let infatuation blind you from dating mindfully. Get in touch with your feelings while thinking and acting rationally about partner selection. 

3. Strive for Balance

You can’t expect to find a satisfying relationship if you don’t put time and energy into dating. If you always put your career or education ahead of dating, it will be nearly impossible to have a successful relationship. 

So saying you want a partner without doing the work or continuously prioritizing your career over your love life will not help you meet your relationship goals. 

This is where balance comes in, as well as the understanding that you can have both a healthy relationship and a rewarding career. You may have to get creative with scheduling and balancing it all, but you can learn how to pursue multiple goals at once (as opposed to solely focusing on one goal at a time). Through healthy habits, time management, and self-care, you can make room for career and relationships.

4. Take a Step Back and Let Him Pursue You

You may be comfortable running the show and making big moves or decisions, but it’s important to get comfortable compromising and letting things play out naturally. For example, let a new person ask for your number, ask you out, or ask you on another date instead of being the pursuer. 

Don’t dominate conversations, plans, and dates.

Allow your date to lead and have an opinion too. Don’t dominate conversations, plans, and dates. Learn to discuss topics and do things outside of your wheelhouse and be supportive of his interests even if they differ from yours.  

If you are used to being a go-getter and have an ambitious personality, you may find it challenging to allow someone to pursue you. In fact, it may even raise your anxiety, so give yourself grace as you try on a new role in your dating life.

5. Better Handle Your Insecurities

Everyone has insecurities — regardless of how accomplished they look on paper. When it comes to dating, you may worry your intelligence or ambition is getting in the way of men finding you attractive. 

You may have thoughts about being “too much” or “too intimidating,” but don’t let these worries get the best of you. You will feel more confident if you prioritize your needs, invest in relationships with others, and keep a positive mindset.

6. Show Interest in Genuine Ways 

Bring out your flirty and fun side. Some studies show that some men are less attracted to women who are smarter than them, but again your goal is not to dumb yourself down to be liked. The goal is to show other sides of yourself and let him know that being intelligent doesn’t mean you can’t also be silly, spontaneous, or affectionate.

Photo of a couple in costume
It’s a misconception that all smart people are stuffy and serious.

You can make your date feel more secure by giving him compliments from the heart, letting your interest be known, and focusing on having fun as you get to know each other. If he feels insecure about how you feel about him, he may pull back or reject you first. This is why being playful and flirty goes a long way. 

7. Remember There Are Lots of Fish in the Sea 

So many men will find your success and intelligence attractive, and those are the types of men you should be looking for. Dumbing yourself down to avoid rejection or to get a guy to like you may result in the wrong relationship. 

Also, the type of man you ultimately want will love and accept you for who you are and won’t call you “too much” for him. 

Know Your Worth & Date Smart

Foster hope that you will find a great partner who’ll recognize all you have to offer. You may feel hopeless, lonely, and discouraged along the way, but if you keep putting yourself out there and making time to date, your chances of finding what you are looking for are very good. 

Finding love does not have to equate to changing yourself or downplaying your intelligence to simply attract a man. By being as serious about finding a partner as you are about other areas of your life, you will be a more successful dater. You may have to work on better balancing your time and goals, getting comfortable being pursued, and healing your insecurities, but you can date intelligently while embracing who you are and what you have to offer. 

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