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I get asked this question all the time: Can a long-distance relationship (LDR) actually work? I usually respond with another question: What do you mean by “work?”
There are many kinds of relationships that satisfy a menu of needs, from emotional and sexual to financial and social.
A long-distance relationship can certainly meet some, if not all, of these needs. However, if your definition of a relationship that works is one where couples eventually enter a traditional union that involves moving in together and marrying, being in an LDR may not work for you. Sad as it may seem, the research is stacked against long-distance relationships.
Plenty of research has pointed to long-distance relationships being doomed from the start. This form of relationship tends to attract people with an avoidant attachment style who are happy with a string of tiny honeymoons and no day-to-day real-world messiness.
In a same-city relationship, the work of falling and staying in love happens by growing real intimacy. It’s often a path strewn with ruptures followed by repairs. During day-to-day border skirmishes, partners learn about each other’s tender spots, apologize, forgive, and move forward, now closer.
Couples in long-distance relationships get to avoid all of that. Instead, partners are primarily concerned with planning romantic weekends and don’t dare venture into conflict for fear that it will taint (or cancel) the upcoming romantic getaway.
But things have changed. Advances in technology, including FaceTime, location sharing, and voice memos, mean that people in different time zones can maintain frequent contact.
New research supports the idea that frequent contact can emulate a same-city relationship if it includes one crucial ingredient: emotional disclosures. Regular technology-aided connections should be filled with emotional intimacy.
High emotional intimacy occurs when partners are willing to be vulnerable and communicate their innermost thoughts, emotions, fears, and dreams without fear of judgment or ridicule. Yes, that means being unafraid to bring up what’s bothering you regularly.
Before considering a long-distance relationship, ask yourself whether you are emotionally open. You need to ensure that one of you does not have an anxious-attachment style that could be triggered by lapses in contact.
Also, think about the practical aspect. What kind of regular travel schedule can you maintain? Finally, if your goal is to marry, agree on the end goal and time frame. When will you be together for the long run?
Some warning signs may indicate that a long-distance relationship is not working out. Here are some noteworthy red flags:
1. There’s little emotional intimacy
2. Your relationship is limited to chats and romantic getaways
3. There’s no talk of a future
If you’re only messaging once in a while and visiting a few times a year, then you’re not integrating your lives and forming the true intimacy that defines a long-term relationship. You and your long-distance partner might as well be called pen pals if you are absent from each other’s lives.
With dating apps giving people the freedom to meet matches around the globe, long-distance relationships have become more prevalent and more accepted.
Long-distance couples may still be stigmatized by friends or family members who may see distant love as unrequited or a fantasy relationship. But the reality is it’s a legitimate way to create emotional support when careers or lifestyles may drive people apart. There’s no one right way to have a relationship. Think carefully – perhaps a long-distance relationship is the right one for you.
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