Finding my husband online wasn’t a straight path. After 13 wonderful years of marriage, I can look back at my online dating days and laugh at the bad dates and mistakes made along the way. Hindsight is 20/20, right?
I encountered some truly perplexing characters on the apps.
As a dating coach, I’m all about self-improvement and growth, so I want you to learn from my mistakes. I’m going to detail the most toxic online dating behaviors I encountered before finding my forever person.
I hope sharing these war stories from my journey will help you spot certain red flags early and save yourself some heartache.
1. The Breadcrumber
The Breadcrumber keeps you guessing with messages that are inconsistent and unclear. Just when you’re sure they’ve ghosted you, a message comes in.
“Hey, how’s it going?” It’s a roller coaster of disappointment and hope.
This frustrating person puts in the absolute bare minimum of effort. They do just enough to keep the conversation going.
“This made me think of you,” they’ll say and attach a funny meme. You’ll answer back, but then they don’t reply until the next day or maybe days later.
They’ll get all flirty one night and make a super vague reference to plans that somehow never come to fruition.
“We should check out that bar sometime.” OK, I’ll pencil you in never.
These breadcrumbs are just enough to keep you interested even though you’re not getting any commitment for something real. Basically, they’re stringing you along.
I had someone breadcrumb me for three months before I finally wised up!
If you want to avoid Breadcrumbers (and trust me, you do), set a clear timeline and stick to it.
If someone was being inconsistent and keeping me hanging, I’d give them an ultimatum.
I’d straight up tell them, “I’ve enjoyed our conversations, but I’m looking for someone who can communicate consistently. No hard feelings if that’s not your thing, but I need to move on.”
A person who’s actually into you will step up their communication game. If they don’t, they’re not right for you.
2. The Sex Talker
Have you ever matched with a Sex Talker online? Some daters (typically male) can’t manage to have a conversation without steering everything back to sex.
There you are, innocently chatting about your favorite hiking trail, your job, or even just the weather, and suddenly. BAM! They hit you with something wildly inappropriate.
“I wonder what you look like without that hiking vest on…” Excuse me?! We were literally just talking about nature a second ago!
It’s not that physical attraction isn’t important in dating — of course, it is. But timing matters a lot.
Sex talkers skip right past the getting-to-know-you phase and dive straight into bedroom talk before you’ve even had a coffee date!
I had one guy go from asking about my career to suggesting what we could do in his bedroom in the span of three messages. Talk about rude.
Single women encounter sex talk on just about every dating app out there. It’s hard to avoid, so you need a strategy for how to handle it.
I believe life is way too short to waste time educating grown adults about basic things like respect and boundaries.
The moment someone drops an inappropriate innuendo too early in the chat, they’ve shown what they’re about, and it’s not you. My suggestion is to block them and move on.
In the past, I used to try the whole “let me explain why this isn’t appropriate” approach. That led to a lot of frustration and angst.
There’s no reasoning with someone who turns a conversation about hiking into a remark about what I look like naked. Sex Talkers should go straight to the block list if you want a serious relationship.
3. The Love Bomber
Love Bombers come on so incredibly strong right out of the gate. It makes your head spin! From the first message, it’s “Hey beautiful” or “We’re soulmates.” It’s unbelievable. You don’t even know me, so how are you already obsessed with me?
Call me a skeptic, but I think lovey-dovey texts are more manipulative than genuine when it’s only been a day of messaging.
Sending a “Good morning, gorgeous” text after just matching the night before? That’s a bit over the top.
Love Bombers may say you’re their “dream woman” when they’ve only known you for a week. Ask yourself how much they really know about you. Have they seen you without makeup or caught you on a bad day? Maybe they only love an ideal, not you.
They might claim they’ve “never felt this connection before” because you both like pepperoni pizza or were both raised by single moms. Those things are nice, but they don’t prove you’re relationship material.
I’ll admit, getting showered with compliments and attention can feel pretty amazing in the moment. But conscious dating is about slowing down and paying attention to someone’s actions — not just their words.
If you’re not sure if you’re being love bombed, take a step back and wait it out. Time will tell who a person truly is.
The Love Bombers can’t keep up that level of intense, over-the-top cheesiness for long. Especially when they see you’re not falling for it.
4. The Pen Pal
Online dating is about actually connecting and meeting a potential partner in person. A big red flag I see out in the dating world is the Pen Pal!
This is when you meet an online dating match who seems perfectly content to message you endlessly without ever suggesting you actually meet in person. They have every excuse in the book when you ask them to make real plans!
Certain behaviors indicate this person is only building an emotional connection and has no intention of meeting you in person. Plans should be made within a week of chatting together, two weeks at the most.
If you’ve been talking for more than a few weeks, maybe even months, and still no meeting, that is a red flag!
I know it’s especially disappointing if you’ve shared your most vulnerable stories, talked about your passions, debated your favorite movies, and had those late-night conversations about your hopes and dreams — but no plans to meet.
The moment you suggest, “Hey, should we grab coffee this weekend?” suddenly, they’ve got a million excuses. First, it’s “This week is crazy at work,” then it’s “My parents are visiting,” then their car breaks down, their dog gets sick — you name it, they’ve used it!
There’s always some reason why “now isn’t a good time.”
Do you know what’s the absolute best way to filter out those time-wasting pen pals? Set up a date to meet in person after a week of conversation. Don’t let it stretch any longer than that!
If you’re vibing through messages, you need to see if that chemistry exists in real life.
Here’s my non-negotiable rule: They should set up a date after the first week or the following week. Nothing vague. No “sometime soon” nonsense! If the person says they aren’t available until some far-out date three weeks from now, that is a major red flag.
One reschedule is OK because we’re all human, and sometimes life happens. But more than that? You’re dealing with someone who could have a pattern of flakiness or just isn’t available.
5. The Ghoster
Another infuriating online toxic behavior is The Ghoster! Many of my clients experience this, so know you are not alone. This is where a person vanishes into thin air without a word of explanation, leaving you staring at your phone, wondering if they fell off the face of the earth!
It’s so devastating when it happens.
I tell my clients all the time to expect some people to disappear after a message or two. That’s just part of the dating game.
But if you have been chatting with someone for a few weeks and you’ve been hanging out, the ghosting behavior is not OK!
Don’t you hate when you’ve had great conversations, maybe even gone on several amazing dates where the chemistry was undeniable, and then — poof! — they’re gone? Complete radio silence. What is up with that?
One minute, you’re planning your next date, and the next, your messages are being left on read. Your calls go straight to voicemail.
It’s like they suddenly decided you don’t exist anymore! And, of course, your mind immediately goes to, “What did I do wrong?”
Ghosting has absolutely nothing to do with you! I know that’s hard to believe sometimes. But the truth is that ghosting has more to do with the other person’s character.
Sometimes, the person doesn’t know how to handle conflict, or they’re afraid of disappointing you. They take the easy way out, which ends up being the cruel way out for you.
Anyone who can’t manage a simple “I don’t think we’re a good match” text is showing you their emotional immaturity and poor communication skills.
To help lessen the blow of being ghosted, I ask clients to picture being in a relationship with someone who disappears every time things get uncomfortable. They usually answer, “No, thanks!”
That’s why I tell them, “You dodged a bullet!”
Don’t get hung up by someone who doesn’t have the decency to give you closure. You are absolutely worthy of respect, honesty, and clear communication. And please don’t waste another minute questioning your value because someone else couldn’t adult properly!
Be the Chooser
Singles often feel like they have to be chosen by a broad spectrum of people online to feel good about their dating experience. I say there are only 10% of people on dating apps that are really meant for you.
So, be selective and focus on quality rather than quantity.
Pay attention to people’s actions. And most importantly, gauge for consistency of character. They are putting their best foot forward at the beginning of the relationship.
If you feel like you have to work harder to earn love… STOP. Choose someone who is as invested in you as much as you are in them.
I definitely kissed a lot of frogs out there before I met my husband. Becoming intentional helped me identify and avoid toxic people.
Saying no to the wrong kind of relationships led me to find the love of my life. The right person is out there for you, and they won’t make you doubt your value for a second.
