Essential Dating Tips For Lesbians

Lesbian Dating

9 Essential Dating Tips for Lesbians (Feb. 2024)

Pamela Gort

Written by: Pamela Gort

Pamela Gort

After two long-term relationships and five years of dating, Pamela Gort, The Lesbian Love Coach, spent years synthesizing the most effective and relevant dating and relationship practices into five easy steps called “Find Her and Keep Her" specifically tailored for lesbians. Using her warm, funny, direct coaching style, Pamela guides single lesbians to fall in love with themselves so they can attract and keep conscious, lasting, and loving relationships.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

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Whether you’re hoping to meet someone while socializing in your hometown or pursuing matches online, dating can be especially challenging for us lesbians.

Finding the perfect lesbian relationship doesn’t happen overnight, but you can land a date by being proactive. It’s worth taking the time to make sure you’re upfront about what you want from the outset. If you’re looking for a woman who is confident, funny, and smart — then someone who ticks those boxes is going to be easy enough to spot. And don’t give up if she doesn’t meet all your criteria right away.

Check out these 9 tips designed to help you hone your dating skills and have more fun and less stress.

1. Be Clear on Your Dating Goals

Some women are not looking for a committed relationship. They’d prefer something less formal. These women are looking to date and play the field, possibly with a few women simultaneously. Some have just left a long-term relationship and are looking to re-enter the dating world slowly without jumping into a new relationship too quickly. Other women are seeking to find a mate for life. Be clear on which one you are, and make sure your dates know.

2. Ask Yourself: Are You Ready?

If you recently left a serious relationship, give yourself a little time to heal and reflect on what you want or do differently. Dating soon after a break-up can leave you vulnerable to attracting someone who could take advantage of you. If your friends are pushing you to date, be clear on why you want to date.

Readiness is a combination of feeling good about yourself and being excited to meet new women. It is about fully dropping anger, guilt, and shame. Only then can you become emotionally available again. You may never be fully ready, but at least have a sense of confidence and curiosity to start meeting new women and get out there.

3. Meet Other Single Lesbians in Your Area

Lesbians are often at a disadvantage when it comes to dating. We do not just walk out our front door and meet a dozen fine-looking lesbians unless we live in a “gayborhood.” National surveys of rural areas show that between 3% and 5% of the rural population identifies as LGBT. That’s consistent with estimates that 4.5% of the U.S. adult population identifies as LGBT.

We can seek out places to meet lesbians. That could mean going to lesbian bars, LGBT Centers and galas, lesbian-themed meetups, gay sports leagues, or comedy events. Meetups, both in person and online, have exploded in recent years and offered single lesbians opportunities to find each other and create a sense of community. We can ask our friends to make an introduction if they know any lesbians who might be a good match. 

Photo of two women with a phone
Many lesbian friends find potential matches in their social network.

Some dating sites have large and diverse dating pools with lots of potential to meet someone special. Most dating apps are designed with straight people in mind, so lesbians must create profiles that mention their sexual orientation. This is not only time-consuming but also makes them more vulnerable to abuse. Luckily, specialized lesbian dating sites like Her, Pink Cupid, Only Women, and Lez Meet Online can cater to women in the LGBTQ community.

Be careful not to expand your search too far outside of your geographic area. Unless you are willing to move or drive many hours to date a woman, consider keeping your search more local. 

4. Create a Meaningful Profile and Be Yourself When Online Dating

When setting up a dating profile, I strongly believe it is better to be your true self rather than holding back or faking it. Be honest in your photos and profile. There is no need to tell your entire life story. Take the time to create a positive profile – one that is creative, honest, catchy, and relevant. Be creative in your description; give your personality a chance to emerge. Share some interesting facts, hobbies, and interests. Use humor and express yourself confidently.

Your photos are key to getting noticed, so post pictures that are flattering. She will want to know what you look like before she decides to message you. Wear your best color, consider makeup and a nice haircut. My best advice is to have three photos: a full head shot with you smiling and looking at the camera, a full-length body shot, and a pic that reflects your interests (such as going skiing or snuggling with a pet). 

Please no mirror selfies and no blank profiles. Show her you care about yourself and have taken the time to present your best self. Whether we like it or not, your profile is marketing. You are either doing it well or poorly. Does your personal ad say “I am a catch” or make her want to swipe left.

Some lesbian profiles harshly warn off men or straight couples looking for an extra. This can create negative energy and conversely attracts more of what you do not want. If you get messages from these people, my advice is to simply ignore them. They are looking for attention. You will undoubtedly experience some weird things on dating sites but you can also find love. 

5. Find the Right Partner on Dating Sites

Dating sites are a great way to find someone who is compatible with you and shares your interests. When you sign up for a dating site, you will have a lot of options at your fingertips. Some people say there too many options. But be patient and stick with it.

One of the first steps in finding the right person on a dating site is to identify what you are looking for and what type of person you want. Each site will show you the women who have matched your specifications., aka the dating site for relationships, uses its compatibility ratings to identify Top Picks who can communicate for free.


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The next step is to reach out with a message that could include a compliment or comment on something you read in their profile. If you simply message with “hi”, you will likely get ignored. Put your best foot forward. What do you have to lose?  Many lesbians worry that they will get rejected so they do not even try. More often women who do not respond have not seen your message, are not very active on the site or have stopped checking the messages. If she does not respond, do not take that as a rejection. Simply smile and move on to the next dating profile or photo card.

When you get a reply, continue to message a few times back and forth. If things go well, ask for a phone chat or better, a video chat. A video chat will show more about how she looks and behaves and validates that she is real. If the person repeatedly avoids video chats, this can be a red flag. You may want to check her out on Facebook and LinkedIn to see how long she has been active and what she posts. Social media can be a spotlight into people’s lives. 

After you have had a few video chats, ask to meet in person. If you are apprehensive at all, have your first date in a casual location in public or let a friend know where you are meeting your date and call her when you get home. 

6. Set Boundaries Early While Dating 

When you begin dating, you may want to date several women. Be upfront with them — especially if you are intimate. One of the most important questions to ask before you move from dating to a relationship is “are we exclusive?” This is important if you are dating someone who has had multiple past relationships. You want to be aware of their boundaries and set your own boundaries early.

Exclusivity is an important part of any relationship. It can keep the connection fresh and exciting and give both partners enough time to develop a bond with one another. It can also prevent feelings of jealousy and insecurity arising in the relationship. However, it is important that you set boundaries early in the relationship so that you don’t sacrifice your own needs for theirs. Becoming too invested in the other person too quickly or putting up with things that make you uncomfortable can lead to an abusive relationship.

Do not forget about your friends. Lesbians need to make time for friendships, even when we are busy dating. Many lesbians isolate themselves when they meet that special someone. Let the woman you are dating know you have an active life and enjoy a good balance. Research has shown that people who have close friendships tend to live a long time. They are healthier and more socially connected. Friendships also provide emotional support and help us manage our moods and feelings.

7. Prepare for the First Date and Make It Amazing

Preparing for the first date can be daunting, especially if you really like her. The best way to make it amazing is to get in a positive mindset. Get in your body by dancing or simply moving as you are getting ready. Play upbeat music and put on an outfit that always gets you compliments. Be on time. Put your phone away once she arrives. Smile and make eye contact. Compliment her and show interest by asking open-ended questions. Avoid rattling off questions like you would during a job interview. Make her comfortable and make her laugh. 

Photo of two women on a date
First dates should be casual with plenty of room for conversation.

Choose a place that is not too loud so you can talk comfortably and get to know one another. Make sure the menu will accommodate both your tastes. Offer to pick up the check or suggest you split it. If things go well, ask her if she would like to get together again. If she smiles and says yes, then you have a second date. If she hesitates, give her time to tell you more. She may not be feeling what you are feeling. This is okay. You will survive. 

8. Accept the Possibility of Rejection

There is always a possibility of rejection in the dating world. The connection may not be right, the attraction has faded, or some standards may not be met. Many people feel it is better to call it quits sooner rather than later. Learn how to handle breakups gracefully. Breakups are never easy, especially if they were initiated by the other person. You will feel hurt, confused, and angry. It is important to take care of yourself after a breakup. Make sure you have someone to talk to about the situation so they can help you through it. You will get through it with time and may eventually learn a valuable lesson from it. 

9. Talk About Sex With Potential Partners

There are many ways to express attraction for your lesbian date. When you are strongly attracted to her, your desire to touch, kiss, and hug her are natural. Know that in the initial stages of dating our desire is more romantic attraction than love. We can get carried away with the rush of hormones and other chemicals through our body. Know what you both are comfortable with and discuss your boundaries. Drugs and alcohol can often blur the boundaries. 

I encourage lesbians to have a serious conversation about sex as dating progresses. Lesbian sex may seem safer because there is no risk of pregnancy, yet safe sex is an issue for lesbians too. Lesbian couples can choose to get a STD panel before engaging in sex to protect both parties. This is smart and responsible. Rushing into sex may be intoxicating — but caring for each other’s well being is sexier and safer.

Keep a Positive Attitude When Seeking a Lesbian Date

Dating can be a lot of fun if you go into it with a good attitude. Don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself to find The One right away. Just enjoy meeting other women and making conversation, then see where things go from there.

Online dating is a good way to find your perfect match because you can swipe and chat from your laptop or phone. It’s pretty convenient. Dating has changed over the years, and online dating can help open up a world of possibilities.

We all want to meet that someone who has all the qualities we are looking for for long-term love. When we form that meaningful connection, all our past romances will be worth it.

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