Dating can be a whole lot of mixed messaging. Is it “metrosexual” or “lumbersexual?” Dad bod or gym bod? Act aloof like you don’t care or chase her for all she’s worth? How many questions should I ask? Should I smile at everything she says?
Of all the things that get confusing, one of the biggest is, well, “the one.” Sometimes it’s the belief that there’s a soul mate out there. Or that there is the “one missing puzzle piece” just waiting to be found.
Yes, there are a LOT of fish in the sea, and I don’t think there’s ONLY one person out there for us. I think there are lots of possibilities if you keep yourself open.
Perhaps the biggest obstacle to daters is the trap of “oneitis.” Simply put, this is akin to putting all your eggs in one basket.
Some dating experts say, “Pour your energy into one person at a time and don’t spread yourself too thin”. This advice is fine. But there is a big difference between good focus and bad focus. Let’s make sure you fall into the former category.
Defining Oneitis: An Unhealthy Fixation on One Person
The suffix -itis translates to “a disease.” If you see that suffix on any word, it’s not a good thing.
Basically, “oneitis” is an intense, many times unrequited, fixation or obsession with a person. You believe this person could be “the one,” will fix you, will solve your problems, end your pain, create your happy ending.
This person may not even have any idea you have these feelings.
Many times, the object of a guy’s “oneitis” is someone currently unobtainable. They might be a friend partnered up with someone else. Perhaps they are someone from your past, and you’re not in contact anymore.
Oftentimes, you have attempted to shoot your shot before, and it didn’t work.
Or maybe you are WITH the person right now and are terrified to lose them.
In any case, a pervasive and unhealthy thought process convinces you that SOMEHOW it will all work out for you two, despite blinding evidence to the contrary.
I talked with Dr. Gary Lewandowski, the Chief Love Scientist at Love Strategies and a professor of psychology, and he defined the term like this: “Oneitis shows that you’re operating from a false sense of scarcity.”
He explained, “Oneitis isn’t a sign about the other person (e.g, that they’re amazing!) but rather a symptom of your current mindset. In other words, oneitis isn’t really a reflection of your dating reality, but rather your perception and the story you’re telling yourself.”
3 Signs You Might Have Oneitis
You may just like the idea of this person. You are in love with the idea of being “in love” or the idea of a “girlfriend” more than the actual person and all their real flaws and quirks.
Here are three signs that you’ve got it bad.
1. The Future Is Vague
When you think of the future, you only think of you and her. How you get there is fuzzy, but you just know you’ll be happy and together… someday.
2. You’re Investing & Getting Zero Returns
You are spending time and money that are not reciprocated. You buy them gifts for every occasion, and get nothing back.
You’re always asking them to hang out, and they aren’t doing the same.
3. They’re Always On Your Mind
You want to spend every waking moment with them. When you’re not around them, you’re thinking about where you can see them again.
What “Oneitis” Is NOT!
“Oneitis” is not the same as intimacy or true feelings! I think this is the biggest misconception. Catching feelings, growing love, and developing intimacy are great and necessary steps in relationships. This is how you have a healthy relationship!
“Oneitis” is throwing all your time and energy into a dead end.
“Oneitis” is chasing someone, probably to the point of ick, and giving off desperation vibes.
The most magical dudes are the ones who, instead of chasing, draw people to them.
Healthy, mutual desire and infatuation are great! The need to have your existence validated is not.
Long-term relationships are awesome. Getting hung up on one single woman that you realistically have no shot with is not awesome.
How Oneitis Can Hurt You
Ultimately, hyper-focusing on any one thing in life is unhealthy. We all need balance. If you are looking at this person as the “end all and be all,” you are passing up life opportunities.
Your crush works at Starbucks on Tuesdays. So you go there every Tuesday. What if you get a job interview on a Tuesday? Are you going to try to schedule it around her schedule?
Other girls may be interested in you. Maybe they’re even flirting with you. But you’ll never notice it because your blinders only allow you to see what’s happening directly in front of you.
You’ll pass up opportunities just hoping that if you’re always around, she will come around to dating you. That’s… not really how it works.
Friends ask you to join clubs or hang out, but you turn them down because you’d rather be around your crush.
You pass up a world of wonderful opportunities out there, both romantically and platonically. For the hope of a dream of a person.
If you are in a relationship, the “oneitis” can rear its head in dependency, jealousy, manipulation, and controlling behavior.
If you idolize them, it can be exhausting for the person on the pedestal. If you have a fear that you are going to lose them, you try to hold on to them so tightly that you can end up suffocating the relationship.
“Unfortunately, oneitis pushes people away and encourages you to ignore potentially great partners because you’re overly focused on one person. This has consequences.” Dr. Lewandowski said.
He continued, “Not only do you miss opportunities (possibly to meet someone better), but it puts a lot of pressure on the object of your oneitis (e.g., needing their reassurance/validation) and on you to make the relationship work. If they feel like your only option, you’re much more likely to convince yourself to overlook obvious red flags and settle for less than you deserve.”
He pointed out that people who feel they only have one option are more likely to ignore red flags and settle for less than they truly deserve.
How to Get Over Oneitis
“They say the best way to get over [someone] is to get under [someone else]” ― Kitty French, Knight & Stay
While I don’t suggest this literally, the messaging is good. The only way to get over anything is time and distraction. There needs to be a withdrawal and refocus.
The more distractions we have, the more they can help us dilute unhappy feelings. Pour yourself into finding a new social group. Attend meetups and say yes to invitations.
Delete your painful reminders. That means purging your phone, deleting socials, and maybe even blocking. You want to take away triggers, so you can focus on your new future.
Get active. Many studies show that physical activity makes you feel better. Even if it’s not a gym, you can go walking, take up woodworking, or join a run or pickleball club. Activity releases dopamine, which is the feel-good drug. And when you work out, you start feeling better about yourself as well.
Go to therapy. I go to therapy. My old therapist is the one who convinced me to become a dating expert! Everyone, and especially guys, can benefit from talking it out with a neutral third party.
One Is the Loneliest Number
At the end of the day, women are attracted to guys who seem to have their lives figured out. Let’s be honest: None of us actually do, but the ones working the hardest on it demonstrate great dating qualities.
The goal of all of this is NOT to get the girl or get into a relationship or get married. It’s to work on yourself and become the kind of person who attracts great people to YOU! Good luck!
