For years, I dated men who could talk a big game. They’d promise me the world with their words, tell me how perfect I was for them, and paint this fairytale picture of our future together.
One ex in particular would describe the life we’d build down to the names of our future pets. And right when things were starting to get serious, I noticed his actions told a completely different story.
I was so sick and tired of all the empty promises, I started to be more intentional with dating. I call this process Conscious Dating.
I stopped falling for all the words that would sweep me off my feet and started paying attention to my date’s character. This is what actually matters. Certain behaviors showed me who someone really was, not just who they claimed to be.
And then I met my husband. He was the first man I dated who made my nervous system feel different from the rest. I felt calm around him, myself… I didn’t need to perform.
He brought out my authentic side. Why? Because for the first time, I was dating someone who was emotionally available. Today, I want to share the seven green flag signs that someone is emotionally available.
1. They Take Accountability
This is a BIG one. If you see accountability, that person is a keeper. That means they apologize and change their behavior.
This one is such a big deal to me. I’d dated so many guys who would lie through their teeth to defend themselves. They could never admit when they were wrong. When they did say “sorry,” it was just to shut me up.
No, they never changed their behavior, and of course, they would make the same mistake over and over again.
Now this is how I knew my partner was husband material. When he messes up, he actually owns it. He doesn’t make excuses, doesn’t defend himself, doesn’t gaslight me.
He says, “You’re right, I was wrong about that.” And then, this is the critical part, when I tell him what I DO want, he listens to my concerns, takes action, and follows through to change his behavior.
Or at least, he genuinely tries not to do it again.
Remember: an apology without change in behavior is manipulation.
2. They Listen to Understand, Not Defend
This one makes me laugh a little because my husband mostly gets this right.
There are times when we can get into a heated argument, and I can see him start to get a little too defensive.
The first thing I’ll say is, “Please listen to understand, not defend.”
It works every time. He stops in his tracks, recalibrates, and then he’ll ask me to explain my point of view. And he’ll actively listen.
I do give him a break on this one because no one is perfect. He shows me effort and tries his best to understand, even if he doesn’t fully agree.
An emotionally available partner doesn’t try to win every conversation or treat it like a debate. They aren’t constantly listening to see how they can argue their point of view while you are still talking.
They actually want to listen to you and give you empathy rather than be defensive.
3. They Are Consistent
Communication. Actions. Words. Showing up during hard times. Consistency across the board.
This was a non-negotiable for me. I used to date people who would promise me the world and tell me “I was the one” after knowing me for about a week.
I was too mesmerized by the fantasy of love to realize how important consistency was in a relationship.
The kicker was that their actions never matched their words. I was left with constant disappointment. And oh boy, that also showed me I couldn’t trust them.
My husband was the first guy I dated who was consistent with everything he said. He’d call when he said he would, he showed up when he promised, and he was there through some really tough times.
And most importantly, he was truthful (even when it hurts), sometimes a little too much! Everything about him showed me he was emotionally available for me. That brings me to my next point.
4. They’re Willing to Be Vulnerable
Emotionally unavailable people deflect when it comes to vulnerability. They like staying surface level. They’ll talk about their interests and hobbies for days.
But the minute you ask about their deepest fears or struggles, they change the subject. They are too afraid to let their guard down and let you in.
It was my third date with my husband when we started sharing our biggest struggles in life and what inspired us to become the people we have become.
I’ll never forget the moment he started tearing up talking about a documentary he’d made. I could see his passion, his fears, his insecurities, and of course, I was so drawn to him because of how vulnerable he was about his feelings.
Brene Brown says vulnerability is the key to unlocking intimacy. I completely agree. And it is integral to seeing if someone is emotionally available.
5. They Include You in Their World
I can’t tell you how many times I dated someone who kept me completely separate from the rest of their life. Friends? Family? Their everyday routine? I was somehow never part of the equation.
My husband brought me into his life from the beginning. He wanted me to meet his friends, his family, and the people who mattered to him.
I wasn’t a secret or a side piece or someone he’d “eventually” integrate. I was someone he was proud to have by his side.
When someone is emotionally available, they don’t box you in. They want to include you in every part of their life.
6. They Are Actually Available for You in Person
I dated many people who seemed to be emotionally available through text or phone, but for some reason, they were never actually available to hang out in person.
I’d find myself so confused because I felt seen and heard, but when I needed a hug or support in person, they were never available. I felt like I was getting 50% of emotional support.
Deep down, I knew I deserved more.
When I was dating my husband, I remember having such a tough day at work I wanted to cry. He not only called to check up on me throughout the day, but he also showed up after work with flowers and takeout from my favorite comfort food restaurant.
He held me as I cried in his arms. It was the most comforting feeling ever. An emotionally available partner will pay attention to your feelings and understand how to support you.
7. They Make Plans for the Future & Follow Through
Oh, the empty promises of the ghosts of exes past. I remember one guy I was dating for three months actually said, “Let’s plan a vacation to Hawaii,” and “I can’t wait to introduce you to my family and friends.”
I was so excited because I thought we were going to take the next step in our relationship. I told all my friends and family that he wanted something serious with me.
As months started to pass, nothing was coming to fruition. I would check in and say, “When should we plan our trip to Hawaii?” and he would give me some excuse about work being too busy, and he could not leave.
When the holidays rolled around, I asked him when I could meet his family. He literally said he wanted to do it in person rather than on the phone.
Well, he had every excuse in the book. And guess what? It never happened.
Here’s where words versus actions become a real thing for me. My exes would talk about the future in really vague terms. They’d never ever have concrete plans.
With my husband? He didn’t just say, “Let’s get away next week.” He’d actually collaborated with me to plan the trip and booked it for us.
His actions matched his words; he didn’t just talk about the future. He followed through. This is exactly what showed me he was emotionally available.
Look For These Positive Signs on Your Next Date
Looking back, I know exactly why all those past relationships didn’t work out. Not one single ex was emotionally available.
They may have been a warm body, but I knew I’d be settling if I didn’t get my emotional needs met. My husband was the first one who showed me that I could wholeheartedly trust someone because he made me feel emotionally safe. My nervous system felt so calm next to him.
I’m glad I did the work to understand what a good man looked like before investing my heart in a relationship. It made me more intentional with dating. I was finally able to date someone who could meet my emotional needs.
That is what I want for you. It’s your time to be more intentional about dating. Pay attention to these seven green flags, and you will be on your way to finding the love you really deserve.
