While a first date can be exhilarating and exciting, it can also be fraught with anxiety. When our nervous systems detect a threat (even something as innocuous as a first date!), our body’s fight-flight-freeze response gets activated.
All of our cognitive functions weaken, and we can’t think straight because the body is trying to mobilize all the energy it can to protect us from this perceived threat.
This means that we can fumble and stumble during our dates — unless we can stabilize ourselves with relaxation and grounding techniques.
Discover healthy ways of centering yourself and soothing your nervous system so you can avoid the dating blunders that can happen if you’re too dysregulated.
1. Stay Sober
While this may seem like a no-brainer, avoid alcohol or drugs before going on a first date. It may be tempting to turn to substances for some “liquid courage” to help take the edge off your nerves, but you want to avoid leaning on these as an emotional crutch.
Not only does being under the influence compromise your ability to be present with your date, but you also run the risk of saying and doing things that could taint the person’s impression of you and potentially lead to disaster.
You want to be in total control of your faculties and show up for the date as your true authentic self.
And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with voicing, “I’m a little nervous.” Transparency is sexy and endearing. Take some deep breaths, you’ve got this!
2. Talk About Positive Experiences (Not Exes)
While sharing a good dating horror story can prove to be a good icebreaker and add some laughter to a dating encounter, it’s important to keep the focus on the present moment with you and the man you’re trying to get to know.
Too much emphasis on a past boyfriend can lead to a presumption that you’re not healed from the breakup or that you may still have unresolved feelings and unfinished business with him. They may think you aren’t emotionally available for a new relationship.
Make use of this valuable time getting to know your date through engaging conversation and a shared positive experience.
3. Don’t Monopolize the Conversation
Avoid hijacking the conversation, as it regrettably can give the appearance of conceit or narcissism, not to mention violating good social etiquette. It can be construed as disrespectful and rude.
Anxious types can inadvertently ramble out of nervousness, so be sure to reel it in and take some deep breaths. You’ll want a good balance of give-and-take with your dialogue and demonstrate curiosity and interest in what your date has to say.
Who is this handsome stranger, and what’s he all about? This is the greatest way to form a favorable impression and is forward-moving.
4. Actually Listen & Respond
Active listening is a fantastic way of maintaining good communication. Harville Hendrix of Imago Relationship Therapy fame promotes a great formula of listening skills that can help the conversation go smoothly, especially when you don’t know what to say.
Mirror what your date says by paraphrasing back what you heard him say in your own words (“What I heard you say was…”).
Validate and acknowledge your date’s comments by showing that his perspective has merit (“That makes sense to me because…”).
And lastly, empathize with your date’s disclosures to connect with his feelings and create a resonance between the two of you (“I imagine that made you feel…”).
Your date will feel seen, heard, and known, which will help catapult the connection and maybe even spark the attraction even further!
5. Be You & Don’t Just Say What You Think He Wants to Hear
It’s important to be true to yourself and show your date the real you.
Beware of allowing insecurity or desperation to lead you down the dangerous path of saying things and behaving in ways that you think your date would find attractive.
Not only can this lead to codependency, but eventually when your true self shows (and it will! Especially after the honeymoon phase of the relationship), your dating partner will feel duped, deceived, and betrayed for investing themselves in a relationship that was ultimately incompatible.
You deserve to be loved unconditionally for who you are to the core. If you find yourself in this particular pattern with your dating habits, it’s important to work with a counselor to help strengthen your self-esteem.
You can learn strategies to avoid self-sabotaging your relationships. The most important relationship has to be with yourself first.
First Dates Don’t Have to Be So Cringe
Don’t fall victim to the common dating traps. Love yourself, stay in alignment with your values, and just have fun!
Avoid placing expectations for a first date—you’re just meeting a new person for the first time to chat and get to know each other.
Take the pressure off by removing limiting beliefs and being in the present, allowing the interaction and the dynamics to unfold naturally. Wait for the end of the date to see where the storyline takes you. Enjoy!
