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Lesbian Dating
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Dating as a lesbian comes with its fair share of challenges. It’s hard to meet quality women in daily life; lesbian bars aren’t a thing in most cities, and unless your gaydar is on point, it can be scary to approach a woman not knowing how she identifies.
Whether it’s a trusted friend, a sibling, or the internet, we all have places we turn to for a helping hand now and again. Online communities exist to connect us in meaningful ways, and that can be a powerful thing.
Regardless of where you’re at in your journey, know that you’re not alone. Tons of lesbian singles are learning how to navigate the dating world alongside you.
And many are willing to share what they’ve learned with you on Reddit.
I dug up some great insights, advice, and opinions from good ol’ Reddit to offer support on your dating journey.
One of the hardest things I had to learn as a kid was patience. You would think it would be sharing, but when you’re in a household with four siblings, you have no choice but to share, and it’s your patience that gets lost day after day.
Similar to dating, you have to learn how to be patient throughout the ups and downs to get what you truly want at the end of the day.
“Don’t date people just because they are the only other lesbian around. You will find someone who’s a great match, but it may take a while.” — anonymous Reddit user.
It’s not always fun, but lesbian singles have to learn the true meaning of the phrase “patience is key.” Oftentimes lesbians feel like there aren’t many dating options out there for them, so they settle for any lesbian they encounter.
Remember that dating should be viewed as a marathon, not a sprint. There will be happy results waiting at the finish line, but you’ll never get there if you burn yourself out.
“There is no need to rush into a relationship or move in with someone who is still a stranger, what’s real could never be threatened by going slow and getting to actually know each other,” said Reddit user dissapointmentparty.
Having a partner in your life is a bonus and should never be viewed as the defining factor of your happiness. Oftentimes people rely too much on others to make them happy that they end up never truly fulfilled and ruining their relationships due to unrealistic expectations and pressure.
One Reddit user advised other lesbians to make the most out of their singleness by discovering what makes them happy. By doing so, they create a strong foundation of happiness that attracts quality partners.
“If they can’t keep up, you’re better off alone.” — miss_clarity on Reddit
“Take yourself out on dates or to special events like a concert, even when you’re in a relationship,” said a Reddit user. “You’ll hold partners to a higher standard too. Because you’ll know how good to yourself you are. Prospective partners will be competing with how well your single self loves you. If they can’t keep up, you’re better off alone.”
Many people end up settling in relationships they don’t necessarily want to be in for the sake of wanting someone in their corner. An anonymous Reddit user shared that a lot of her time dating was wasted on women who didn’t have much in common with her besides being lesbians. Her settling in her relationships ultimately led to a breakup.
“They were gay and I was gay and there were no other lesbians around so we ‘made it work.’ We didn’t have anything else in common besides the bond we developed from having sex, and we didn’t figure that out until after the initial sex high started to wear off and we were left facing each other and realized… ‘I actually don’t like you that much!’” shared one Reddit user.
“Don’t date people JUST because they are the only other lesbian around. You will find someone who’s a great match, but it may take a while.” — papadanku42 on Reddit
Never settle for anything less than what you truly want because it’s not worth it! I know that can be easier said than done when you’re experiencing a dating drought.
Granted, sometimes having sex is more tempting than the moral high ground. It’s during these vulnerable moments when you have to remember the end goal.
“Don’t settle. Having a smaller dating pool and/or the fear of dying alone can make anyone feel like as long as their partner is “good enough” they’re worth sticking with,” said Reddit user sapphic-sunshine.
Lesbian singles have a lexicon of labels to define their type. But as we all know, making assumptions can be detrimental to real relationships. It’s a natural habit, especially in the swiping game, but it’s not useful if you’re dating for keeps.
“Don’t assume someone is a top/bottom/dom/sub/etc. just based on their visible expression or looks,” said Reddit user PetitePiltieinPlaid. “And don’t forget that ample cuddles and mushy domesticity are basically part of the sapphic emotional food pyramid.”
“Don’t assume your dom doesn’t want cuddles and down-time. Mine is a hugbug.” — rainpatter on Reddit
You’ll miss a lot of nuances if you try to figure out everything about your date before meeting them. Enjoy the process and take the time to explore and experience them for who they are. And when you’re getting to know your date, try to ask questions that will help you understand them better, so you don’t have to assume anything.
Communication breaking down is often why relationships don’t work out. So it’s important that even during the dating phase you practice great communication with your dates.
If you start a relationship with a strong foundation in communication, you can only go up from there.
“Don’t let yourself fall victim to the ‘useless lesbian’ stereotype!” warns one Reddit user. “I almost didn’t end up with my gf because I was just too chicken to talk to her about all our super obvious flirting.”
Examples of healthy conversation starters:
And your communication shouldn’t stop once you’re in a relationship. Continue having those real and honest conversations about touchy yet important topics (sex, relationship history, political views, etc.).
Sometimes people hold off having serious conversations with prospective partners. They shy away from talking about how many kids they want because they’re afraid of losing the connection. However, real conversations will only make your relationship stronger — or make it clear if there’s underlying incompatibility. If you want kids and she doesn’t, it’s best to find that out early
“Leave straight girls alone. You’re the only one that will walk away hurt,” said one Reddit user. It sounds harsh, but it’s one of the most common things lesbians advise one another.
But let’s make one thing clear: it’s not a crime to have a crush on a straight girl. In fact, it’s more common than you think. But it’s best to focus your attention on other lesbian or bisexual women who can return the interest. Plenty of Reddit users shared how they’ve had crushes on a straight girl, but there’s never a true happy ending to it.
“If she wanted to, she would.” — anotherbutterflyacc on Reddit
Reddit user Ok-Locksmith-594 advised lesbian singles to avoid having crushes on straight girls if they’re a person who gets attached easily. “What can start as some fun can end with your heart being broken if you aren’t careful,” said Ok-Locksmith-594. A mild crush is harmless until it leads to obsession.
While you should avoid having a crush on a straight girl, it’s also not something you should beat yourself over if it happens. You can do things such as spend less time with them or redirect your focus so you’re thinking about other things. Some Reddit users have even shared how they’ve learned to be content with being just friends with a straight girl.
“You can’t control who you’re attracted to,” said Ok-Locksmith-594. “Of all people, we should know this. For those of us who are queer and not strictly lesbian you sometimes just fall for whoever has attractive qualities, whether straight or not.”
Thanks to advanced technology, different communities now have spaces online where they can date and meet like-minded people. This is why it’s not a surprise that online dating is one of the most popular ways to meet lesbians.
Lesbian and bisexual singles have an array of dating options where they can meet potential partners. Online dating apps provide chatting and video features that allow lesbians to make genuine connections.
“Get on dating apps. They’re a lot of fun, and 95% of the women I’ve met on them have been super cool people.” — anonymous Redditor
“The best relationships I have had so far were via a discord server and actually meeting someone on Fetlife. In each case, neither of us had a photo to go off and it was based more on what was written regarding interests, values, and direction of life,” said Reddit user LauraOutdoorsInOz.
Some of the best online dating apps for lesbians are Lex, Feeld, and HER. All of these have a solid and supportive community that will help lead lesbian singles to their perfect match.
As you begin dating someone, you start to get a good glimpse of people’s character — the good and the bad. Dating is the perfect time to identify any red flags before trying to make things any more serious than they are.
As soon as you notice a red flag, take it seriously. I would strongly advise you not to ignore it. Make sure to mention your concerns in conversation and decide if you want to continue seeing that person. Ignoring red flags will come back to bite you later on in your relationship.
Here are some common red flags in dating:
Not all red flags are a definite reason to end a relationship with someone. It can be as simple as communication or trust issues that your date has that you have to decide whether or not to deal with. But some red flags are just too grand to try to work through, such as pushy behavior.
“Women can be creeps, too. Sometimes even the ones who are talking a lot of shit about feminism and consent are creeps,” said an anonymous Reddit user. “Remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence, and it’s not your fault if it hurts their feelings. Someone who is pushy over little things (like insisting that you have another drink) is testing your boundaries, and they’re going to try pushing you around over big things, too.”
I can admit that the lesbian dating scene is pretty complex and not always in a good way. But with the right tools and practices, you can certainly find a woman you vibe with. Dating can feel like a lonely journey at times — especially when you’ve hit a bump in the road and don’t have a friend or family member who can relate.
But worry not — Reddit is here to set you up for dating success by giving you insights from other lesbians. Women go online to share their real-life testimonials and advice.
Keep in mind, though, that there isn’t just one way to successfully date. At the end of the day, the best thing to do is try new things until you find what works best for your dating journey. I’ll end with a quote I like from Reddit.
“Don’t let the fear of rejection hold you back. Give her your number, ask her out on a date, and go in for the kiss. You’ll regret the missed opportunities much more than the failed efforts,” said an anonymous Reddit user.
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