If you’re diving in for the first time, dating apps can be hugely intimidating. Anxiety about dating apps is a very common theme for my clients.
Sometimes, it can feel like learning a whole new language to parse the acronyms, shorthand, and ever-evolving terminology of the modern dating world, from NSA (no strings attached) to ENM (ethical non-monogamy).
One term you might have seen floating around is “poly-friendly” — what it actually means on a dating app is that the person is open to polyamory. That could look like a lot of different things, so I’ll go through each of the possible scenarios to clear things up.
What’s Polyamory? Defining Common Terms
Polyamory is a relationship practice under the umbrella category of ethical non-monogamy.
Ethical non-monogamy means pursuing romantic relationships that aren’t romantically or sexually exclusive. That means one or both people date or have sex with other people with the full consent of each partner.
Polyamory is a specific type of non-monogamy in which the partners involved pursue multiple concurrent romantic relationships (as opposed to casual dates, one-night stands, or friends with benefits).
People who identify as polyamorous might be looking for any range of things in the dating and relationships space — serious partners, nesting or live-in partners, coparents, long-distance relationships, or more casual connections.
Because they don’t necessarily have to follow a “relationship escalator” of the same relationship steps each time, there’s a lot of flexibility and individualism in what polyamorous or non-monogamous people might want in a romantic context.
What Poly-Friendly Doesn’t Mean
In working with daters, I’ve seen a lot of myths and misunderstandings about polyamory. The media and pop culture often propagate one-dimensional and misleading representations of the poly lifestyle.
Before interacting with any poly or non-monogamous communities on dating apps or elsewhere, it’s important to keep in mind what polyamory isn’t, despite what you may have heard.
Being non-monogamous or polyamorous is not equivalent to:
- Being a cheater
- Lying to your partner(s)
- Being sexually insatiable or promiscuous
- Being unable to commit to or maintain serious emotional connections
- Having a kink or fetish
- An experiment or a phase
If someone describes themselves as poly-friendly, polyamorous, or non-monogamous, they’re likely already accustomed to having to deal with misconceptions, misunderstandings, or bad-faith assumptions about their relationships and their community.
Try to start things off on the right foot by keeping an open mind and asking respectful questions about what you don’t know (rather than making assumptions).
“Poly-Friendly” Can Mean Being Accepting, Curious, or New
If someone describes themselves as “poly-friendly,” they’re clearly aware of the non-monogamous and polyamorous community, but they may not heavily identify with it.
In one scenario, someone who uses the term “poly-friendly” might only be interested in having one partner, but maybe they don’t require that one partner to be monogamous.
A person who likes more independence in their relationship may like the idea of a partner who devotes time and energy to them, but also has other romantic interests.
If someone likes more independence in their relationship, having one partner who devotes time and energy to them but also has other partners and/or dates might feel like the perfect fit.
Alternatively, someone might identify as a monogamous person but be primarily interested in casual dating for now. That person could be open to casual dating arrangements with people with multiple partners…for the short-term, at least.
While community nomenclature and labels can be deeply personal, the reality is that many dating behaviors are functionally similar, even if we use different words for them.
Someone who identifies as a monogamous person dating casually might be compatible with someone who thinks of themselves as fundamentally non-monogamous. As long as the romance has clear boundaries and meets both of their needs.
Alternatively, some people using the term “poly-friendly” might be dipping a toe into non-monogamy — maybe they’ve been curious about the relationship structure, or they’ve been reading books that explore it. In this case, they may be interested in dating other non-monogamous people and pursuing their first polyamorous relationship.
“Poly-Friendly” Can Mean Actively Non-Monogamous
Different dating apps have different social norms. In some cases, someone who identifies as “poly-friendly” on a dating app could very well be experienced with practicing polyamory or another form of non-monogamy. They could be in a relationship and looking for romantic connections on the side.
If someone on a dating app is polyamorous, there may be a few other context clues to help you parse what they’re looking for.
Someone who has other serious partner(s) may well mention them in their dating app bio, describing the partner(s) they already have in their life and perhaps something about the nature of their relationship(s).
Dating bios by experienced poly people look like this:
- “I’m open to whatever flows and feels natural. My partner and I are poly-friendly and enjoy mixing things up on the weekends.”
- “Monogamy isn’t for me. Poly-friendly has always been my dating style!”
- “I’m a poly-friendly person with a lot of love to share. I’m very open about my dating life, so please don’t hesitate to ask!”
On dating apps like Feeld, which was designed for non-monogamous users, users may even link their partner’s profile to theirs. They may indicate the role their partner plays in their dating life, i.e. whether they date separately or together (dating the same person as a throuple or triad).
In some cases, the person in question might proactively address myths or misconceptions about polyamory in their profile, explicitly making it clear that their partner has consented, they’re not cheating, and they love their partner(s).
Couple profiles be like:
- “We are new to the lifestyle and looking to explore. We have no secret and few inhibitions.”
- “Just a poly-friendly pair interested in casual fun (NSA!), friendly banter, and wherever it leads ;)”
They might indicate what attitude or level of experience they’re looking for in potential dates, like asking that people only match with them if they’re experienced with non-monogamy.
Many experienced poly daters will describe their preferred approach to polyamory (i.e., hierarchical polyamory or relationship anarchy) or why it matters to them. They may also define what they’re looking for in new connections: another serious partner, a nesting partner, or someone they see roughly once a month.
Understand the Lingo & Know What You’re Getting Into
If you’re not sure what someone is looking for or you don’t understand the terms they use to describe themselves, it’s perfectly okay to ask.
Most people are happy to answer good-faith questions. Those conversations will help you get to know them better, which is the whole point of matching on a dating app.
Just be mindful of any assumptions that may underlie your questions. Avoid stereotyping or fetishizing your date. Also, remember that people’s sex and dating lives are a very personal and vulnerable topic, even when they may seem freewheeling or novel.
