When you enter into an alternative lifestyle like ethical non-monogamy, you’ve got a lot of learning to do. One of the trickier aspects is working out how and when to disclose that you’re non-monogamous when you meet a new potential partner.
Should you blurt it out over text? Put it on your profile? Wait to talk about it until the first date?
There isn’t one straight answer. Your approach should always cater to the situation and the person you’re dating. As a sexpert who has navigated the poly dating waters, I want to share my tips and best practices when it comes to telling someone you’re non-monogamous.
How to Bring It Up Naturally (Over Text & In Person)
Disclosing non-monogamy through text is pretty common, especially for younger daters. Texting can help alleviate the anxiety and potential awkwardness of telling someone in person, and it can also give you more time to figure out what you want to say or how you’d like to respond.
If you’re texting, there are a few ways you can organically bring up the topic. It’s best to do this as early as possible so that it doesn’t feel like you’re dropping a bomb or blindsiding the other person with unexpected information.
Work It Into a Story
Maybe you have a funny or interesting origin story that you can tell and end with, “and that’s when I started looking into polyamory.” Or maybe you’ve gotten into some unique situations as a poly person that you can talk about.
- “My ex is actually the one who pushed for an open relationship. I had to be talked into it, but then I enjoyed the flexibility. She’s back into monogamy now, and I’m an ethical non-monogamy convert.”
- “What I like about online dating is the chance to meet interesting people like you. What I don’t like about it is getting asked to do threesomes just because I’m poly!”
- “My parents try so hard to be supportive. My mom got me an upside-down pineapple necklace for my birthday, and I had to explain the difference between swinging and solo polyamory lol.”
You can normalize your relationship style and make it feel more relatable and approachable by telling personal anecdotes about it.
Name Drop
If you’re currently partnered and feel confident enough, you can always drop your partner’s name in the conversation.
For example, the person you’re texting asks what you like to do on the weekend, and you say, “My partner and I love visiting the farmers market” or “I’m always wanting to get out of the house and try a new coffee house or something. My partner is a homebody, so that’s partly why polyamory works for us.”
Ask a Question
You can start the conversation by asking a question, such as: “Have we talked about my relationship style yet?” or “Are you open to dating someone who is non-monogamous?”
Being forthright is a good move because people don’t want to feel like their date has been hiding an important fact.
All these examples also work in person, of course, but I’d advise going more toward the question route to make sure it turns into an open dialogue, not a monologue about all your views on monogamy.
Be prepared to answer questions about your personal relationships. You should also be prepared that they may not react positively, and the date may need to end.
When Should You Tell Someone You’re Non-Monogamous?
There isn’t necessarily one “right” time to tell someone. That said, as a sex and relationship expert with some personal experience in polyamory, I always recommend that poly daters disclose this information as early as possible.
The goal is to avoid even the appearance of deception. Be ultra clear about where you’re at and why.
In Your Profile
If you’re online dating, I strongly urge you to share that you’re non-monogamous in your profile. In the bio, in clear language.
Be ultra clear about where you’re at and why.
Doing that saves you from having to make some grand announcement about it when you’re messaging or on a first date, and it can give off an air of confidence that you’re willing to be so open about it.
Sure, your honesty may prevent you from matching with more people, but those who swipe left weren’t people who were open to dating you anyway. You want to narrow down your matches to only those who will be OK with your lifestyle.
During Messaging
Perhaps you have reasons why you’d prefer not to publicly share your non-monogamous lifestyle on your dating profile. Then you’ll need to pass on that information in the DMs. Again, earlier is better, so within the first few messages, you’ll need to bring this topic up.
My ultimate recommendation is to send that message before you make plans to meet up. This gives them the courtesy of the information before agreeing to spend time and energy on a date with you.
And it also keeps you from getting into an uncomfortable situation where the date has to be canceled after it was planned.
During the First Date
While I rarely suggest waiting until you’re on a first date to tell someone you’re non-monogamous, it’s understandable that some people prefer to have that talk in person. Or just lose their nerve over messaging. It’s riskier to do this in person, but it can work out sometimes.
Lead with curiosity. That means use a more inquisitive tone to get a sense of where your date’s head is at with non-monogamy. You can ask them what their ideal relationship looks like or if they’ve ever considered any alternative relationship styles. Then you can ease into your truth.
Scripts You Can Actually Use
I totally get feeling tongue-tied when it comes to talking about the important stuff. It doesn’t have to be so complicated though.
If you’re finding it difficult or intimidating to plan what you’re going to say when disclosing your non-monogamous lifestyle, here are some example scripts to use as a starting point.
If You’re Partnered
“Oh yeah, my partner loves that band, too! We actually went to their concert on one of our first dates. Did I tell you about them already? We’ve been together for two years. They’re great. I’d love for you to meet them sometime, if you’re open to it. And if you have any questions about this, I’m all ears!”
If You’re a Swinger
“Full disclosure, I’m in a relationship, but we’re swingers. We play regularly with other couples, and it’s been really fulfilling for us. Have you ever explored non-monogamy before? I’m happy to tell you more about it, if you’re curious.”
If You’re Solo Polyamorous
“Have you heard of solo polyamory before? I identify that way, and I always like to be upfront about it when I meet new people. I prefer to keep each relationship I have individual, and it also helps me keep a sense of independence even when I have multiple partners. How do you prefer to go about your relationships?”
4 Common Mistakes
Even if you’re considerably experienced in your preferred form of non-monogamy, disclosure doesn’t always go the way you plan. Here are some common mistakes I’ve noticed and some tips for avoiding them.
1. Treating It Like a Confession
If you approach telling someone you’re poly like you’re admitting to something shameful, you automatically lead with a guilty tone. That can make your date feel put off.
You aren’t doing anything immoral by being non-monogamous, and you don’t have to apologize for it. Try to avoid making it sound like a dramatic confession. You don’t want the other person to think you’re ashamed of your lifestyle or that there’s something wrong with it.
2. Waiting Too Long
Disclosing a non-monogamous lifestyle can be intimidating. And sure, there’s always a chance the person you’re seeing or talking to could reject you because of it.
You should still tell them as early as possible, regardless of the risks. Primarily because it’s the right thing to do (putting the “ethical” in ethical non-monogamy). But also because your date is much more likely to respect your honesty when they have more time to process. Then they’re in a good mindset to agree to exploring the lifestyle with you.
3. Oversharing
If your date reacts positively or even with curiosity about non-monogamy, that isn’t necessarily a green light to divulge every juicy detail about your life and relationships.
- Don’t talk about your partner’s personal life.
- Don’t detail your sexual exploits.
- Don’t explain all the dynamics in your polycule.
Be sure to share only what is appropriate and necessary in this first conversation — leave the dirty details for another day. Wait until your relationship has progressed to a place of comfort and trust.
4. Speaking Negatively About Monogamy
In the same way that talking badly about an ex on a date is a no-no, you shouldn’t talk badly about monogamy or other relationship styles. Pessimism and negativity just aren’t attractive. And you don’t want to accidentally offend the other person.
You can set the tone for what ethical non-monogamy looks like. Be sure not to make it sound scary or intimidating, otherwise you’re likely to push them away from staying open-minded.
FAQs: Should I Put ENM in My Dating Profile?
YES! Personally, I always recommend putting your ENM status in your dating app profile. Even if you’re on an app like Tinder as opposed to a poly app like Feeld, it’s most efficient (and considerate) to be completely upfront about your lifestyle when you’re interacting with new potential partners.
Do I Have to Explain All My Relationships?
You don’t have to divulge any information that you or your partners wouldn’t be comfortable sharing with new people. You can give a broad overview while respecting the privacy or boundaries you share with your partners.
Think of it more like an outline than a full story. Name the partners in your life and the general role they play. If your date asks a question that you feel infringes on your partners’ privacy, say something like, “I’ll need to ask them what they’re comfortable with me sharing. Can we touch on this again on our next date?”
How Do I Ask About Safe Sex Without Being Presumptuous?
It’s always a good idea to wait until you feel like sex is on the table to bring safe sex practices up, otherwise you risk seeming too forward. This isn’t usually a first date conversation…it’s more like a second or third date thing.
When you feel sure that sex is a real possibility, it is appropriate to ask your date about how they maintain their sexual health. And be ready to share your methods or boundaries.
What If My Date Seems Uncomfortable With Poly Dating?
As tough or disappointing as it may be, you cannot — and should not — try to force your date into accepting your ethically non-monogamous lifestyle.
If they seem unsure, offer to answer any questions they have. Don’t try to convince or pressure them. Just be honest about your experience and needs.
If they seem uncomfortable or closed off, give them the space to share what they think. Be emotionally prepared for them to express reservations or reject the notion altogether. It doesn’t have any bearing on your value as a person, and it doesn’t have to impact how you disclose in the future.
Have an Honest & Mature Conversation. It’s Not That Scary.
Somewhat uncomfortable talks come with the territory of dating someone new. That’s true whether you’re a virgin, a single parent, or a polydater.
Disclosing non-monogamy should be a consistent part of your approach to dating new people. It’s a chapter in your story, not something you need to get off your chest or admit to someone.
There is nothing wrong with being non-monogamous. I honestly think many people would benefit from the lifestyle if they’d only care to try it.
As long as you go in with confidence — knowing that your value isn’t determined by it either way—you’ll be OK.
