If you’re divorced, and you’ve been thinking about dipping your toe back into dating, you might be thinking: Am I even ready for this, and will anyone want me now?
First, I want you to know there’s nothing to worry about. You are not behind. So many of the singles I work with say…I’m too old, too late, too rusty, or too…. fill in the blanks, for this. And none of those limiting beliefs are ever true! I’ve seen many singles find love after their divorce, so I know you can too!
The right online dating strategy can make a huge difference. It truly doesn’t matter whether you are fresh out of a marriage, trying to remember how flirting even works, or an empty nester finally starting to ask, “What about me?” Anyone can find love online.
Here’s what I know after coaching people through this exact moment: readiness isn’t a feeling you wait for. It’s a set of small, doable steps. Let’s walk through them.
Choose the Right Dating Site
Not all dating apps are equal. You have to fish in the right pool for your needs. My take on this is simple. Swipe-heavy apps like Tinder tend to take up a lot of time and feel more like a distraction. A dating game. These apps aren’t wrong… they’re just designed for a different season of life.
If you’re divorced and looking for something more meaningful, you deserve better. I usually point my clients toward more serious dating sites like Match and eharmony.
- Relationships: Friends, Dates, and Relationships
- Match System: Browse by zip, age, appearance, more
- Our Experts Say: Match has facilitated the most dates and relationships of any dating site, and its large audience and high success rate make it our top review. Our Review »
- Browse Free: View Photos Now
On Match, profiles are more than a photo and a byline. People actually talk about their interests, lifestyle, and goals. It’s a more mature dating site where users tend to be over 30 and looking for a commitment.
This site isn’t going to break the bank either. Messaging is free between mutual matches.
- Relationships: Casual Dates, Deep Relationships
- Match System: Personality test suggests matches
- Our Experts Say: Accounting for 2% of U.S. marriages, eharmony’s compatibility-based system and commitment-minded user base are ideal for those seeking a serious relationship. Our Review »
- Browse Free: View Photos Now
Thanks to its reputation for compatibility matching, eharmony tends to attract people who are looking for commitment, not just to “keep things casual.” It’s geared toward people who are marriage-oriented, so they move a little slower.
The site doesn’t do quick swiping, so it feels less overwhelming and more manageable.
There’s something calming about being in a space where you don’t have to explain why you’re looking for a relationship.
That said, the platform is just the room. You still have to walk in and be yourself.
Heal From Your Ex
Before we get to talking about my profile tips, I want to say this clearly: healing from your marriage isn’t optional work. It’s the very foundation that everything else stands on.
I believe you can absolutely start dating while you’re still healing. You don’t have to be fully healed before you create a dating profile, but you DO have to be honest about where you are, especially if your ex is still living rent-free in your head in ways that keep you stuck.
It’s all in how you frame it. If you’re mentioning it on your profile, keep it positive. Say something like, “I’m recently divorced, and I learned a lot from it. I’m still sad about how things ended, but I want to move forward and find my right match.”
If you’re still angry or hurting, you may find yourself telling the story of your marriage with the same rawness you had the week it ended. That means there’s more healing to do before you decide to put yourself out there. And that’s normal.
Talk to a therapist, a coach, lean on your support system, and do the inner work.
The people who date successfully after divorce aren’t the ones who healed perfectly before they started. They’re the ones who stayed honest about where they were and did their healing alongside the dating, not instead of it.
3 Tips for Building a Profile That Sounds Like You
Here’s my hot take: I don’t believe your profile’s job is to impress anyone.
Most singles try to attract a broad group of people online. That is NOT the goal. The goal is to attract the right type of people and gently repel the wrong ones.
A lot of divorced daters make the mistake of writing a dating profile that markets to everyone or, worse, a list of things they don’t want in a partner. Neither strategy works.
A few things I coach clients on:
1. Lead with Life, Not Loss
You don’t need to open with “recently divorced” or explain your whole backstory in paragraph one of your profile. You can have a discussion about this once you are in person.
Offer Good Conversation Starters Like:
- “In my free time, you’ll find me…”
- “My biggest role model in life is…”
- “I’d like to meet someone who…”
Talk about what lights you up now. The hobby you finally have time to do, the trip to Greece you’re planning. Focus on the person you’re becoming.
2. Use Specific Details
I think we’ve all seen those vague profiles that could’ve been written about anybody. “Don’t like drama” or “Looking to have fun.” You and everyone else! It reads as lazy or inauthentic when dating profiles lack any specifics.
“I love to laugh” tells a stranger nothing.
“Sundays are my lounge day where I LOVE doing nothing but reading a good Harry Potter book,” tells them a lot.
3. Post Recent Photos That Show Personality
Nothing dates you faster (pun intended) than a profile picture from 10 years and one relationship ago. You’ll only set dates up for disappointment by sharing what you used to look like.
Only use photos that reflect who you are right now. I recommend staying within the last year in terms of recency.
And tell a story with your photos. Make sure they show activities or interesting scenes that will intrigue a potential partner. Avoid group shots if you can. You should be the center of attention.
When (and How) to Talk About Your Divorce
This is the question I get more than any other. I tell my clients to use caution. Your divorce doesn’t need to be at the forefront of your conversation, but it also doesn’t need to be a secret.
There’s no shame in owning it – without overexplaining or apologizing for it. Something like “I’m divorced. I’ve processed it, and I’ve learned a lot from my past marriage. I’m ready for my next chapter” is a positive way to introduce yourself without getting into the whole can of worms.
People have to earn the space for your vulnerability. Save the deeper conversation about what happened, what you learned, and how it shaped you for when some trust is built.
A first message or a first date is not the time or place for this conversation. Once you feel there is some level of deeper connection, you get to decide what you share and when. Remember, you don’t owe anyone your whole history before they’ve earned it.
Messaging With Intention
Dating after divorce is a skill, not a personality trait, and skills get better with practice. So treat your messaging like practice, and embrace imperfections.
A few things are important here:
- Respond like a human, and be curious. Short, safe, generic replies (“haha yeah, you too!”) kill conversations right away. Ask a real question back like, “What was the highlight of your week?”
- Don’t get overly invested before you’ve met. Long, daily text threads for weeks can create a false sense of emotional intimacy with someone you haven’t actually spent real time with yet.
- Move toward a real in-person meeting quickly. If the messages feel easy and there is a connection, don’t let it stay a pen-pal situation for a month. After a few days of messaging, say something like “It feels like we have a good connection, want to meet for coffee and continue the conversation?”
- Meet in a public place. Remember you don’t know this person, so proceed with caution and always be safe. Don’t share personal information like your address or personal details. If they ask for money, block them immediately.
Take it one message at a time. This is a screening space for getting to know another person. You don’t have to catch feelings or dive into deep, life-altering topics. You just have to get a feel for whether there’s enough commonality to merit moving on to an actual date.
Schedule a Video Date
For my busy divorced singles out there, here’s a way you don’t burn out! There’s nothing worse than getting all dressed up for a date that falls totally flat in person. That’s SO annoying!
Before you meet someone in person, get on a video call first.
My thoughts? A 15-minute video call will tell you more about a person’s quirks than two weeks of texting.
Some people are good at texting and horrible at actual conversations. Video calls are a little more authentic, with no time to run anything through ChatGPT. You’ll hear their tone and see their body language, and your gut will know whether this is worth your time and your outfit.
Know Your Non-Negotiables
I believe one of the biggest gifts of dating after divorce is that you already know what didn’t work in your past relationship. You know how you want to be treated. What healthy conflict should look like. And most importantly, you know what you’ll no longer tolerate.
I always recommend using search filters strategically on the dating apps. Wanting kids, political views, smoking habits, and educational background can all be important items on your checklist. Sometimes it’s worth paying to get those filters on your side.
Write your non-negotiables down before you swipe. Don’t wait till you are three dates in and you’ve caught feelings. NO, get clear about them now.
- Do you want someone who is emotionally safe?
- Do you want someone who has the same parenting style?
- What family values are important to you?
This isn’t a superficial list of what car they drive or how tall they are. You should be thinking about the long run.
Non-negotiables are the things that matter like honesty, emotional availability, how they treat their kids or yours, and whether they’re actually divorced-and-done versus still tangled up in the past.
Having clear must-haves ahead of time protects you from talking yourself out of your own standards later.
Give Yourself Permission to Practice
Whether you’re brand new to being single, an empty nester rediscovering yourself, or someone who’s finally ready to try again years after your divorce… be realistic with your expectations.
Not every date needs to lead to a decades-long relationship. Some dates are just practice. And that is okay.
Focus on practicing your conversation skills with a stranger. Use this practice time to pay attention to what you actually want and learn how to tune into your gut again. Does this person feel safe? Do they bring out my authentic self? What did I learn from this date?
The key is to take the pressure off. If the date goes nowhere, that doesn’t make it a failure. It’s information. It’s just practice. And the more times you go through it, the more natural the whole dating process starts to feel.
Keep Moving Forward!
Here’s what I know for sure: at least you’re not starting from point zero. Everything you learned in your past marriage, the good and the ugly, means you’ve learned lessons that can help in this next chapter, and I believe it makes you a wiser, clearer, more intentional dater than you’ve ever been before.
You got this! I believe in you. Now go out there and practice dating!
