I remember all too well my last devastating breakup that would forever change the way I dated. You know the kind of relationship where you give every part of yourself, thinking that if you could just love him more, things would change? Well, it never did.
I had this exhausting pattern for so many years, and it would lead me to the same result… a dead-end relationship.
I wanted to be intentional and conscious with how I approached online dating.
Instead, I looked hard in the mirror and admitted I was the common denominator of all my relationships. And if I wanted things to change, I would have to date myself for a while before going back to the online dating world.
I was tired of wasting my time, so I took a four-month hiatus to learn about myself and what kind of relationship would really make me happy. I wanted to be intentional and conscious with how I approached online dating. I went on a journey of self-discovery and learned everything I could about dating and relationships.
When I finally returned to online dating, something had changed (it was me!), and within a short time, I met the love of my life (my husband).
So if you are just coming out of a breakup or you’ve taken a break because you were completely burned out with online dating, these tips I’m going to share with you today will not only help you stop wasting your time, but they will help you find your forever relationship.
Ease Your Way In: Stay Active on One App at a Time
Of course, the first thing I wanted to do was what I always did after the breakup: find a distraction and put myself online again, joining as many apps as possible to cope with the loneliness of the breakup.
But this time, I didn’t just run to my dysfunctional coping strategies. I made smart choices.
Maybe in your heart you feel you are ready to put yourself out there again, but before you do, I want you to slow things down and be intentional about the online dating process.
The biggest mistake I see out there is singles joining four dating apps at once. That’s way too much. You will completely burn out too quickly to make a genuine connection.
It’s so important that you ease your way into online dating. Choose one app that you want to focus your energy on. If you are interested in forming a long-term relationship, Match is a good place to start.
- Relationships: Friends, Dates, and Relationships
- Match System: Browse by zip, age, appearance, more
- Our Experts Say: Match has facilitated the most dates and relationships of any dating site, and its large audience and high success rate make it our top review. Our Review »
- Browse Free: View Photos Now
I suggest you sign up for three months at a time and see how you like it. Three months is a good amount of time to really explore and understand what it has to offer.
And remember, the experience is very much dependent on where you are and what you’re looking for. If Match doesn’t seem to have a good demographic where you live, then you might want to switch to a comparable dating app for relationships like eharmony or Hinge.
How to Create a Strong Dating Profile
A few pointers: make sure you fill out your dating profile completely. Every section, every prompt that aligns with your interests.
Not only does it make a good impression, but the algorithm also uses that information to match you with the right people. If you leave your profile blank, you might be leaving yourself open to incompatible matches who are not ready for a relationship!
Write down your values, what your interests are, and what you are looking for in a partner. If you are looking for something serious, using the abbreviation “LTR only” might be beneficial. It means looking for a “long-term relationship only.”
Also, your photos matter. Essentially, your dating profile is your very own marketing ad. If your photos are old, blurry, full of group shots, or all filtered photos… they will not highlight you well.
People want to see the REAL you, the authentic you. Aim to tell a story with your photos. They should be all about your interests and how you spend your time. If you enjoy yoga, show a photo of yourself doing yoga.
And remember, the process is about testing and tweaking. If you see something work, then great! If not, rework your profile. The same goes for the different dating apps you try.
Know Your Non-Negotiables
First things first! Before you put yourself out there again. If you are tired of dating the same type of person with a different face, you need to pay attention to what didn’t work in your past relationships.
Whether it was three months or three years of dating, if there is a behavior or a quality that disrupted your relationship, you need to acknowledge this to yourself. These are your non-negotiables!
Use These As Your Filters
One of the biggest upsides of online dating is that you can filter for what you want (and don’t want). I recommend using online dating filters to make sure you’re meeting the right people.
You might look into paying for the extra filters. For example, paid members on Match can filter by lifestyle factors like smoking habits and living with children. Religion is another important filter that’s often an upgraded perk.
Sometimes it’s worth paying to get that extra clarity. eharmony even lets paid members express preferences on income level. That is something I could’ve really used in my love life!
One of my biggest pet peeves was dating someone financially irresponsible. Looking at my past relationships, I seemed to have the “fixer pattern” of attracting men who needed me to help figure out their finances.
I noticed I was always the one worrying about money for both of us, and that weight took a toll on our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I have so much empathy for them. But, ultimately, our money values were different, and I needed to stop trying to save them. It was time to save myself.
To break my bad habits, I made my list of the reasons our relationship ended, why we fought, and what behaviors led to the demise of our connection.
And because I wanted to use this list to screen from a place of positivity, I flipped every behavior around into “what I was actually looking for in a partner.” Good money values, clear communicator, and reliable at following through were at the top of my list.
Ask the Right Questions Early
One thing I stand by putting on my non-negotiables list was money. I wanted someone who was financially responsible.
How did I filter for that if income isn’t on the dating profile? I would dive deeper in conversations, asking questions like:
- “Do you keep a monthly budget?”
- “How have you set yourself up for retirement?”
- “What was your last impulse purchase?”
Honestly, it wasn’t just about finding someone financially responsible; it was about making sure our visions aligned in how we viewed life and our money goals.
Before you put yourself out there, make a list of your non-negotiables. The singles I work with usually have about 10 to 15 of them. Define each one and start using filters and asking screening questions to your potential partners. This is what being intentional looks like in online dating.
My Advice: Practice Dating
Just the word “dating” puts so much pressure on us. The idea of putting yourself out there again and thinking about possible rejection can absolutely make you want to freeze, run away, and hide in a hole.
I’m only speaking from experience. Dating is a vulnerable thing: you meet a total stranger, spend time with them, and share yourself to learn about each other. And hope it works out. Yeah, I know, it is uncomfortable. So one of the things I did to help me overcome my fear of dating was to call it “practice dating.”
My goal wasn’t to get into a relationship. Instead, it was to hone my dating skills. I mean, I did take a four-month break, so I was a little rusty at the whole dating experience.
Each time I went on a date, I would think of one skill I wanted to practice. Whether it was the art of active listening or asking pointed questions, I was there to be curious and learn.
I was learning how to flirt and be vulnerable again. I was learning that I actually liked going on dates.
Rather than thinking each date might be my next “serious relationship,” my mindset was focusing on what my key takeaways were from the date. If I said something that made someone move closer or cringe, that was data. Information for me to know the next time around.
What was interesting about this approach was that I think I showed up as a completely different person. I wasn’t desperate for a relationship like in the past. Instead, I was more engaging and fun.
And I noticed a complete shift: the men I dated started really chasing me, rather than me chasing them and getting my heart crushed.
Your Mindset Matters
When you put yourself out there in the online dating world, I guarantee you will be ghosted at one time or another. It’s happened to me, my clients, and I’m sure you’ve been there too.
I know it’s hard not to take things personally, especially if you’ve had a great conversation and connected with someone, and then all of a sudden, POOF, they’re gone.
I’ve been helping singles with online dating for over 10 years, and there are some common threads that I see.
Identifying who’s there for something real and who’s looking for an ego boost is going to be key
A lot of people online are not actually ready for a relationship. They may think they are, but when push comes to shove… they run away from any deep intimacy.
Don’t Take Rejection Personally
The biggest question after someone ghosts: Why?
Some are just fresh out of a breakup, looking for a rebound (I’ve been there… embarrassed to admit), some are avoidant and looking for a temporary fix to cure their loneliness, and some are just testing the waters.
It all amounts to the same thing: That person isn’t right for you. You deserve better. On mature relationship-driven dating sites like Match and eharmony, you can meet singles who are actually ready for love. That is who we should focus on.
I believe that 90% of the people online are not meant for you.
But there are 10% of singles out there who are looking for something serious and who are fully aligned with your values, and want the kind of love you are looking for.
My goal in sharing this information is to help you not take their bad behavior online personally; instead, recognize that you need to focus on finding the 10% who are ready for love.
How Do You Know Someone Is Ready for Love?
You’ll know they are ready because they will be direct with what they are looking for, honest, and vulnerable about who they are and what they want.
I know they exist, as so many of the singles I work with have found their forever relationship online. I know you will too!
Online Dating Safety Tip: Always Meet in Public
With the age of AI, it’s really hard sometimes to tell if the photos are of a REAL person or just an image created by an algorithm. One way to navigate this new technology is to meet someone in person as soon as possible.
Always meet in a public place like a coffee shop or bar. And steer clear of anyone trying to get your personal information or asking for money.
After a few exchanges online, if the connection feels real, it’s okay for you to say something like:
- “I’m really enjoying our conversation, would you like to continue this in person? Maybe we can grab some coffee?”
- “It seems we have a lot in common. Are you free this weekend for a vibe check at the park?”
- “Texting has been great. Do you think it’s time to test run this connection in real life?”
The goal with online dating is to make a real connection. The only way you will find out if it’s real is if you meet them in person, but be safe about it and do it in public.
If you’re talking to someone who keeps trying to keep the relationship online or constantly makes excuses not to meet you, that person is not available for a real relationship. It’s time to let that match go!
Keep the Faith & Keep Swiping
I know that after a long break, online dating might feel overwhelming…or even a little scary.
But I also know what’s possible, because I lived it. I met my husband online, and I’ve had the privilege of watching hundreds of singles find their person the same way.
Love is out there, and it’s closer than you think. Trust the process, trust yourself, and take it one conversation at a time. Your forever person is looking for you, too.
