Before becoming a dating coach, oh boy did I go through some dating struggles! I eventually found my happily ever after…but only after my heart had been stomped on a few times. At one point, I literally told my mom I would be single for the rest of my life.
Here’s what I learned: Anything of great value (like dating for love) will bring a lot of fear and anxiety. But our biggest struggles can actually become our greatest lessons in life.
I didn’t give up on love. Instead I went on a journey of personal development, and I learned how to overcome my dating anxiety and open my heart. That’s how I found my husband.
Now I want to pass my knowledge on and share the six mindset shifts that transformed my love life.
1. I Recognized I Was the Common Denominator
This one hurt the most, but it was necessary. Looking back at all my past relationships, there was one common thing – and it was me.
I’m not suggesting singles always come from a place of self-blame (sometimes it really isn’t you; it’s them), but I had to take accountability for my relationship decisions.
It was hard to admit that I was choosing to commit to emotionally unavailable partners. I had to reflect and ask myself:
- What energy was I putting out there?
- What unhealed wounds did I have?
- Why was I attracted to people who couldn’t meet my needs?
My time was spent going within. I started to learn about my triggers, my coping mechanisms, and my unhealed childhood trauma and how it affected my relationships. It was hard emotional work but worth it in the end.
You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge. So I had to accept it was time for me to change and date differently.
2. I Gave Myself Grace
I knew I wanted a relationship, but as corny as it sounds, I needed to love myself first. I needed to be whole. This wasn’t about becoming some perfectly independent person who didn’t need anyone. That’d be pretty lonely.
It was more about me learning how to develop a healthy relationship with myself.
I started practicing self-compassion, especially when dates didn’t work out. Instead of immediately jumping to “What’s wrong with me?” I began speaking to myself like I would to someone I cared about and loved.
When a crush didn’t text back or a date ghosted me, I’d remind myself that we just weren’t a good fit (that’s okay). A single rejection isn’t a reflection of my self-worth.
This was a huge shift for me because I believe that when you genuinely like yourself and treat yourself well, you start attracting people who treat you the same way.
3. I Got Crystal Clear on My Non-Negotiables
Honestly, before this self-discovery journey, my dealbreakers were pretty surface-level. Tall, dark, handsome, successful…I know it’s so cliché of me. But I then discovered those weren’t actually the things that would make me happy in a relationship.
The personal development work I did helped me understand what really mattered to me in a relationship.
It wasn’t the superficial stuff like how tall my partner was (although I ended up meeting someone 6’2” funnily enough) or what kind of car he drove, instead what mattered most was that he was emotionally available, kind, generous, thoughtful, and willing to work through resolution with me when we had fights.
When I finally had my list of non-negotiables, that in itself helped ease my anxiety about dating because I knew exactly what would make me happy in a relationship.
Most importantly, it helped me understand when to walk away from a relationship that isn’t working. I walked away from toxic men without guilt or remorse.
4. I Became the Chooser
I used to fall for the Marketing Trap, where I would bend, morph, and change so that someone would like me.
It came from a place of insecurity and scarcity because deep down inside, I didn’t think someone would actually like me for my authentic self.
And I thought men had to choose me for love to happen.
The idea of being chosen had been ingrained in me at such a young age. I saw so many movies where the man would chase the princess or the popular girl to finally win her over. The thing is, those were fictional stories. Not real life.
When I learned how to be the chooser rather than being chosen, my whole idea of dating changed. I screened people against my non-negotiables. I watched to see if their actions matched their words.
The dynamic shifted from “I hope they like me” to “Do I like them? Is their character what I’m looking for in a partner?”
As I saw consistency, I began to learn how to trust.
5. I Paid Attention to How Dates Made Me Feel
I used to think when someone made me laugh or they were charming, that this was enough to keep me interested. As I started doing work on myself, I learned about how my nervous system was an important part of whether I was feeling safe.
Never had I gauged to see if someone made me feel emotionally safe. It was always looking for what was good on paper and someone who made me laugh.
The right people made my nervous system feel calm, like I could be my complete self.
Don’t get me wrong, those are good qualities too – but emotional safety should top the list.
After every date, I started to ask myself, “Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Or do I feel my fight, flight, or freeze kicking in? Essentially, am I anxious around this person?”
The wrong people would make me feel drained, exhausted, or confused after a date. They took more energy from me than they gave.
When I started to check in with myself to see how I felt after every date, I quickly learned to trust my intuition.
6. I Dated Multiple Guys at Once
This one might be controversial, but hear me out. I started dating three people at a time. Nothing exclusive, just getting to know different men at the same time.
I was clear with the people I was dating that I wasn’t playing games and wasn’t sleeping around. It was purely to take things slow and see who was the best fit for me.
Dating multiple people kept me from getting too attached too quickly and helped me see who consistently showed up. One person kept rising above the rest.
When it became clear that he was special, I had an honest conversation with the other men I was dating and ended those connections. I wanted to give this one my full attention, and I’m so glad I did because he became my husband.
Learning to Trust Yourself Is the First Step
Now that I look back at my dating anxiety, it wasn’t actually about dating at all. It was about not trusting myself to make good choices and not believing I deserved love. I was at such a low point that I couldn’t recognize healthy connections when they appeared right in front of me.
Once I did the inner work and learned to trust my instincts, dating became more fun.
And the best part? The skills I developed to overcome my dating anxiety became the foundation for the healthy, lasting relationship I have today. That’s what inspired me to become a dating coach.
I’m here to give you hope and remind you that sometimes our most significant challenges really do become our greatest gifts. Mine led me not only to love, but to a career helping others find their person too.
