It’s a match! Now what? In today’s app-obsessed world, the match is just the beginning. Online daters also need to develop messaging and screening skills to get from the match to an actual date.
Catchy pickup lines that once worked in a bar fall flat every time on an app, and escaping the trap of go-nowhere “good morning” texts leaves many people too exhausted to date in the first place.
As fewer people have their meet cutes in person, more matches are made in the DMs.
If you’re lucky enough to make it through the messaging gauntlet, you might be wondering how to tell if someone is a good match for you before you waste more time in person. This is why screening has been a key part of my five-step dating system for nearly a decade.
If you’re feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, or nervous about finding the right words to deal with your dating situation, grab one of these scripts, and you’ll be a pro at screening dates and communicating online in no time.
If You’ve Matched & You Want to Start a Chat
Gender rules around who sends the first message are oh so “You’ve Got Mail.” Anyone can message anyone these days!
If you want to start a conversation with someone you met on a dating app, the best formula is my “comment + question approach.” Comment on something in their profile and then follow up with a question about that subject to inspire a reaction.
But if they don’t have much to go on in their profile, a good “this-or-that” question usually gets people talking. Here are some examples:
- “Love your profile. I just have one burning question: early bird or night owl?”
- “Hi there! Just wondering, are you a coffee or tea person?”
- “Pop quiz! No pressure, but if we get ice cream on a first date, what flavor are you choosing?”
- “I like your vibe and want to know more. Let’s start easy: Cats or dogs?”
Any polarizing yet completely innocuous question will do the trick. You’re not trying to learn their deepest darkest secrets. You just want to get them to engage in conversation.
If You Want to Screen More Thoroughly in DMs
At least 50% of profiles contain errors, embellishments, or outdated information, so it’s a good idea to ask follow-up questions that illuminate what you need to know.
If a photo caught your eye, say:
“Great pic of (your trip/ that sport you play/ your hobby)! What was most exciting for you about it?”
Or say the profile prompt mentioned that they have a good quality like loyalty or ambition. You can say:
“I like what you said about [trait]. I agree! Can you think of an example from your life?”
That way, you are inspiring them to talk about something that already interests them. You’ll hear whether they can actually expand upon that photo or discover it was profile clickbait.
Red flags to look for: Vague answers, dodging questions, or inconsistencies in their story.
If They Want to Move to Texting…But You Don’t
For safety and efficiency, it’s better to keep your communication within the dating app. If something happens, you can block and report their profile. You’re also ensuring your phone number stays private.
Some people will try to argue that they just can’t focus on one person unless they start chatting off the app. Or maybe they claim they’re going to be deleting the app soon and want to keep in touch.
These are manipulative plays to move you where the conversation is no longer being tracked.
Romance scammers do this to get information about you through a reverse number search. General time wasters do it simply to give themselves more time to decide whether to keep you on the hook and string you along. Both are red flags.
Whatever the reason, you don’t actually need to rush into that step. I recommend that singles only exchange numbers once they’ve made a plan to meet. At that point, you’ve built enough trust to give out a phone number safely.
If someone asks within the first few messages to get off the app, you should be wary of their motives.
Keep it simple when you decline their request:
- “I prefer to keep chatting in the app until we’re ready to meet in person.”
- “I’m not comfortable giving out my phone number right away, but I’m happy to keep talking with you on here.”
- “I’d like to get to know you a little better before we exchange phone numbers.”
You can state a preference without having to defend it. Just keep it positive and reiterate your intent for being on the app.
If They Come in Hot with a Sexual Message Too Soon
Some people are looking for a sexual release rather than a real conversation. If that’s not your vibe, be upfront and shut it down. Fast.
“That’s gross.”
No further response needed. Block. Report if necessary. Move on.
If They’re Pen-Paling You
So many online daters fall into the pen pal trap. They message every day. They tell each other stories about their lives. They feel a connection through that screen and keyboard. It’s almost like a real relationship…but it’s not.
The truth is, these daters have no interest in actually meeting you in person. They sure will have a great time wasting your time, though.
Try my 1-to-1 Rule for meeting offline. You must make a plan to meet up, go on a video call, or schedule a phone call within one week of meeting online.
When the messaging phase lingers past one week, it just loses momentum. Wait long enough, and things can get too comfortable to progress anywhere. Neither person feels motivated. The texting just lingers and lingers…and stagnates.
To move your online match to the next step, try responding to their next message like so:
- “I’ll tell you more about that when we meet for a drink.”
- “I’ve got an extra ticket to a game/event this weekend if you’re interested.”
- “Listen, the texting has been awesome, but I’m looking for someone to talk to and date in person. Are you up for it?”
Then if they have any intent to actually connect, they’ll take the bait and find a time for that first date.
If They Push for a Private Location
Never ever meet for a first date at somebody’s house or apartment. It’s just not a safe thing to do. They may frame it as convenient, cheap, or low-key. It’s actually risky and irresponsible.
Be polite but firm:
- “How about getting drinks at [Local Bar] first?”
- “I’d rather meet for coffee so we can get to know each other.”
You can see where things go and use your best judgment on how comfortable you feel after meeting in public.
This is a non-negotiable safety rule, and if some online stranger is pressuring you to go to a private location, it’s a HUGE red flag.
If They’re Soooo Busy They Can’t Find a Time to Meet
They have a big important job, they travel a lot, or they’re going through something difficult. Finding love is important to them… but they just can’t seem to find the time. There’s always an excuse.
You say:
“I love chatting with you, but it sounds like you have too much on your plate now for a relationship.”
This is a classic sales technique called “Negative-Reverse Selling.” When the options and time feel infinite, sometimes people will drag out a decision, but if you take the deal off the table, they become worried that they’re missing out. That’s when they suddenly jump into action.
And if it’s still a no, at least you’re not wasting more of your time on a dead-end connection.
If Your Spidey Senses Are Going Off
A key part of screening is eliminating the catfish and scammers that always lurk online.
One effective way to do this is to see them in real time on video chat. If you want to do this but you’re worried you’ll scare them off, try this:
“You’re too good to be true. I need to see those dimples on FaceTime.”
This strategy works because it flatters them while not putting too much pressure on that first time you see their face…I mean, you’re just looking at the dimples, right?
You can also be more direct:
- “I really want to meet you, but I have a rule that I always do a video date first. Are you game?”
- “That’s more of a long story I’d need to tell face-to-face. Would you be up for chatting on FaceTime?”
- “I like your vibe. Think it’s time to try a video date and see if there’s something here?”
Then make a specific plan for your video date within the next day or so.
Don’t ask for an immediate video date. You need to give yourself and the other person time to prep the same way as you would for a real first date to make a great first impression.
The levity in the wording keeps it from feeling like you’re the Dating TSA sending them through a screening machine. Saying things like “Are you game?” makes it feel playful and fun, rather than a test.
If You Need More Information
Keeping the conversation flowing is key. Get their story. Get details.
Look at the profile and remark on the things that stand out to you. Ask about their opinions and experiences.
It’s as simple as this:
“You have a fascinating outlook on____. Tell me more!”
This kind of a first message cuts through the small talk and gets you to the top two pillars of long-term compatibility: shared goals and values.
Bonus: 8 Easy Conversation Starters or Deepeners
The best screening technique is simple: Ask questions. That also just so happens to be the best way to get to know a person and create a foundation for a relationship.
If you’re feeling stumped about what to ask, try these good dating questions to reveal values quickly:
- Who is your all-time hero?
- What are your bucket list travel destinations?
- Has a movie ever made you cry? Which one?
- How did you spend your summers as a kid?
- Do you go to church/temple regularly? What role does faith play in your life?
- What are the highlights of your 10-year plan?
- What’s the last thing you changed your mind about?
- Have you read anything lately that inspired you?
These questions can be asked at any time in the conversation, and they’ll tell you a lot about how the person thinks.
Set Boundaries: It’s Not Asking Too Much
Remember you’re just trying to get enough banter going via text to gauge interest and compatibility. You need to gather enough information about the person to decide it’s worth a date (whether it’s over video or in person).
If you’re interested in a relationship, don’t get stuck in the Texting Trap, which is a vast wasteland of “good morning” and “hey, beautiful” messages. You’re not looking for a pen pal!
It’s never too early to start screening matches and using your best judgment to ensure that when someone does progress to the meeting-in-person phase, you’ve got a high likelihood of enjoying that date.
Love awaits…if only you can actually get off the app. And with these messaging shortcuts, you actually will. Good luck out there!
