No matter how old or how experienced we are with dating, whether we’ve been out as gay for 20 years or two months, it somehow never gets easier to tell whether another woman likes us.
Is she just friendly? Does she want to be friends? Despite how it may feel, it’s not impossible to tell. Here’s how lesbians act when they like you:
1. Bringing Up Queerness in Conversation
If a lesbian or queer woman is interested in another woman, she often has an additional hurdle to clear that straight people don’t need to worry about: confirming whether this woman is also queer and thus even a potential romantic option.
For this reason, a lesbian or queer woman who’s interested in you may make a point early on of bringing up topics related to queerness or sexual orientation.
They may not ask you if you’re gay outright (though depending on the setting and cultural context, maybe!). She might, however, try out more subtle context clues to see if you react in familiar ways.
She may mention aspects of her own queerness — past relationships, how she came out, gay social groups or organizations she’s a part of, Pride plans — and your response (or lack thereof) might help her gauge whether you’re also gay.
She might also bring up gay or queer topics of conversation with you, asking things like:
- Have you seen the latest episode of The Ultimatum: Queer Love?
- Are you going to the Chappell Roan show next month?
- Did you see what Lena Waithe said on this podcast appearance?
- What did you think of Portrait of a Lady on Fire?
She may float social plans or ideas that are explicitly part of LGBTQ+ culture. Maybe it’s an invitation to a group outing to a drag show or an invite to join her queer pickleball pickup league.
An invitation like this is meaningful in a few ways; she may be gauging whether you’re also into women by whether you feel comfortable accepting an invitation to something explicitly queer.
She may be giving you an opportunity to identify your sexual orientation — for instance, even an enthusiastic straight LGBTQ+ ally would likely say something like “I’d love to, but it’s not for me!” when invited to an all-gay sports team.
She’s also inviting you to spend time with her and get to know her better, maybe one-on-one, making it that much more likely she’s interested in you.
2. Flirting, Subtly or Overtly
Of course, the examples above are things that someone might also conceivably do if they’re simply looking for more gay, lesbian, or queer friends. How do you know that her social interest in you is specifically romantic or sexual?
The easiest way to determine this is knowing the body language of flirtation. Think about whether the woman seems to be actively flirting with you.
Flirting can look a lot of different ways for a lot of different people — and granted, not everyone is good at it!
It’s a tale as old as time: a lesbian is trying desperately to flirt with someone she’s interested in only to have the other person assume for months (or even years) that she’s being friendly.
But a few signs can clue you in that someone may be seriously flirting with you.
Someone who’s flirting with you may compliment you effusively and frequently — your outfit, your sense of humor, your cooking, your taste in movies. This may be especially true if they compliment you on your body or physical characteristics rather than your clothing or aesthetic choices.
“Your hair looks great” or “you smell so good!” are very often someone’s way of flirting with you.
If someone is making an effort to physically touch you — hugging hello and goodbye, touching your arm when they laugh, or stroking your hair to compliment it — she’s also very likely flirting with you.
She may also ask overtly about your romantic availability or interests, asking about “your type” or asking oh-so-casually if you’re seeing anybody.
3. They Want to Spend Time Together
If a woman is making it clear they’re gay, flirting with you, and initiating plans to hang out socially one-on-one, it’s likely that they not only like you but are trying to ask you out.
Another gentle reminder that many of us are looking for queer and lesbian friends, so not everyone initiating social plans is necessarily crushing on you (after all, you have a lot of great qualities that make you appealing as a friend, too!).
If a new lesbian or queer person in your life is asking you to a lot of group events — like a kickball league, book club, potluck, tenant organizing meeting, LGBTQ+ running club — it’s possible they’re just very friendly and looking for community.
They might be trying to be inviting and open to a new queer woman in their social scene.
However, if any of the above are accompanied by invitations to one-on-one plans — coffee, drinks, dinner, watching a movie at their place, a hike with just the two of you — then it’s likely this is someone who’s really interested in you.
It’s possible that you’re actually already going on dates (or that they want these hangouts to be dates, at least).
4. Keeping Up With Texts
Pay attention as well to how much contact you have — if you’re not hanging out one-on-one all the time, but you’ve started texting or exchanging Instagram DMs with this person every day, that’s a very telling indicator.
We’re all busy, and keeping in touch with even our closest friends can be challenging; if someone is in frequent or constant communication, sending texts every morning or evening, that’s a good sign they like you.
If You’re Not Sure, Ask!
Even for straight people, it can be enormously difficult to tell whether a new connection is a burgeoning friendship or a blossoming romance. For lesbians and queer women, it can feel almost impossible.
It can feel bewildering to sort through whether someone is flirting or friendly. You may spend hours trying to figure out the exact nature of their invitation to join them at the conservatory or the herbal walking tour. If that’s the case, the easiest way to solve this mystery is by direct communication.
It can feel scary to talk to someone about the nature of your relationship, and I know it’s tough to ask someone outright, “Do you have a crush on me?” And certainly, you don’t have to use those exact words!
But it is possible to have a conversation with someone about the nature of your connection and whether they want something more out of it.
Especially if you’re hanging out in person, or making upcoming social plans with them, there’s no reason you can’t ask, “Just checking, are you seeing this as a friend hangout or more like a date?” The stress of asking is worth the clarity you can receive!
