What Is a Remote Relationship? Love in the Age of Technology

If love is a battlefield, then long-distance relationships are the trenches — and my aunt and uncle were the toughest soldiers on the field. I’ll never forget the Christmas we sat on the couch next to the glow of the fireplace, and I listened to them tell me the story of their love. 

They met during senior year of high school, in a small town in Kentucky, then ended up enrolling in colleges on complete opposite sides of the state. Because the beginning of their romance began before the advent of the cell phone — much less home phones — their only method of communication was a pay phone by their closest bus stop, which was about a 25-minute walk away from each of their dorms. 

“In a remote relationship, two people communicate romantically through technology rather than date in person.”

Long story short, my Uncle Bruce and Aunt Tana walked to their respective pay phones every two weeks for the next four years to talk to each other about their lives, whisper sweet nothings into the receiver, and plan the next time they’d be able to see each other — typically over Christmas or during summer break. Forty years, two kids, and three dogs later, they’re still together (and happily married, might I add). 

I tell you this heartwarming personal anecdote not just to inspire, but to make a point: if communication technology could keep relationships together four decades ago, imagine how it can achieve the same thing now. With the help of cell phones, Instagram DMs, FaceTime, and a plethora of other communication mechanisms, keeping up with loved ones across state and country lines has become easier than ever. Consequently, we’ve entered an era of remote relationships. 

The term describes exactly what you think it would: a relationship between two people separated by geography, and typically over an extended period of time. Remote relationships can come in many shapes and sizes, including:

Romantic relationships: Couples can either start their relationship as long-distance, or transition into one later on in the relationship.

In the example with my aunt and uncle, they started off with a “regular,” more proximal relationship style, then entered into a long-distance relationship (aka LDR) when they went off to college.

Familial relationships: Some family members will stay in the same city or town as their family for their whole lives, while many move away and enjoy a fresh start in new places. In the latter case, these family members would be transitioning into a distant connection maintained through texts, phone calls, or video calls. 

Friendships: What are the chances that every single one of the friends you make throughout your life stays within 20 miles of you? The answer is, unfortunately: pretty low. To stay connected with the besties I made during my year teaching English in Spain, for example, I’ve got WhatsApp, regularly scheduled video calls, and, of course, a TikTok message thread filled with a never-ending meme exchange. 

Common Challenges 

Remote relationships are not for the weak. For example, when I did 1.5 years of long-distance with my boyfriend in college, it felt like having a low-grade sinus infection that only went away every two weeks when I gained access to the antidote (AKA a visit to his campus). 

That sounds dramatic, but it’s true. You feel the perpetual discomfort of missing your person and the nagging uncertainty over the future of your relationship. You constantly ask yourself:

• How long are you going to be doing this?
• Will one of you eventually move? Which one?
• Is this even worth the hassle?
• Will you be among the few (42%) couples that last?

All of these questions linger at the back of your mind. Add in different time zones, and you’ve got an entirely new level of communication hurdles to overcome. 

In 2004, I got my first cellphone. I was 10 years old and, while this was fairly early for my millennial generation, my parents wanted to be able to contact me while I was off at a summer camp out-of-state.

Twenty years later, I no longer have a blue Samsung with a sliding keyboard, but I am still using my cell phone — and other recently developed devices — to keep up with friendships and relationships all over the world. 

This is the power of communication technology, which only really started to make a name for itself in the late 20th century. Since then, a number of exciting pieces of tech have come along that have changed the way we do, well, pretty much everything — relationships included. Let’s take a closer look at how. 

Texting and Social Media

Texting — something my 81-year-old grandma still refuses to do — has evolved into the number one way young people communicate with others. And is it really a surprise? It’s quick, convenient, and accessible (though not for my grandma, apparently). 

Couples often find texting — and other messaging apps like WhatsApp, Telegram, and Messenger) — to be integral to the success of their relationship, as it allows them to connect with their boos across state, country, or continental lines in real time. 

Within the last decade, social media messaging has not quite replaced regular texting, but it’s getting pretty darn close. Through apps like Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, X (formerly Twitter), and more, you can not only exchange texts with friends and loved ones just like you could with your in-phone texting mechanism, but you can also directly share content from within the very app you’re using. 

It may seem like this would have a small impact on the connectivity of long-distance couples, but it’s the little efforts that can make the biggest difference. 

Video Calls

Nothing aches like some good ol’ fashioned longing; luckily, video calls offer a small dose of relief for couples across distances. With platforms like Zoom, FaceTime, Skype, and Google Meet, you can chat face-to-face (kind of) with your partner, and feel some semblance of connection while you’re apart. 

Video calls can be especially impactful for people who have busy schedules and want to get the most out of their digital interactions. As long as you’ve got a good WiFi signal, you can call your sweetie on your train ride to work, while you’re walking down the grocery aisles, or between study sessions at the library. 

Carving out a few minutes here and there every day for some visual intimacy works wonders in creating that deep sense of closeness necessary to keep relationships on the right track. 

Voice and Audio Technology

As a known yapper, voice notes are one of the best things to happen to me and my friends. Throughout my years of travel and living abroad, I’ve utilized voice notes as a way to share quick (or not-so-quick) tidbits of my day with friends and loved ones back at home, and I love to receive the same thing in return.

Incorporating your voice adds that extra personal touch to your messages and, according to research, has positive psychological and physiological benefits.

Podcasts, audiobooks, and music playlists are also notable players in the game of audio romance. For example, you and your friend, loved one, or partner can make plans to listen to the same episode of “The Diary of a CEO” and reconnect afterward to discuss your thoughts. 

Apps Designed for Remote Couples

Closeness in relationships has a lot to do with enjoying shared experiences. Luckily, technology has made this easier than ever for couples separated by geographic lines. Through smartphones, you can gain access to countless apps that offer games and features that facilitate connectedness from wherever you and your partner happen to be in the world.

Rave allows you to connect devices and watch/listen to something at the same time. The app is ideal for couples who love to bond over movie nights or album drops.

Couple Game is designed for duos both green and established who want to discover new things about each other: deepest, darkest fears, bucket list items, and more.

For my Type A’s and otherwise organized couples out there, you can connect digitally in other ways, too, such as through synchronized Google calendars, to-do lists, and shared photo albums. 

As technology continues to evolve, so will the ways in which we use it to interact with others. In the context of remote dating, this means more opportunities to grow and nurture your connection with the person or people you love. 

Virtual Dates and Shared Activities

We’ve touched on this topic already, but let’s double down, shall we? A recent trend is to take date night to the phone or computer screen.

Using tech devices (which have become more like second limbs than accessories), we can enjoy multiplayer games — like Fortnite and Minecraft — have a Netflix watch party, and swing horribly (but have a blast doing it) at a digital mini-golf course with the help of VR. The best part? You don’t even have to dress up. 

Social Media Influence 

Many people in my parents’ and grandparents’ generation probably pay no mind to this, but for Gen Zs and millennials, not posting your boo on social media is sus behavior.

I once had a partner who refused to share our relationship online — citing that he was “just a private guy” — and I later discovered that he had been cheating on me for over half of our relationship. Turns out that one plus one, does, in fact, equal two, my friends. 

I will say, however, that the whole concept of sharing your love story online is a slippery slope. There is a lot of pressure to portray yourself as having the “perfect life,” and a “perfect relationship” simply becomes a part of that. Ultimately, it’s important to perpetually remind yourself that what you see online is not 100% real.

Just because a couple posted a smiling picture in front of the Eiffel Tower over winter break doesn’t mean that they didn’t spend the holidays bickering about that one comment one of their sisters-in-law made over Christmas dinner. 

Hybrid Relationships

If cars can be hybrid, why can’t relationships? Thanks to the recent advancements in communication technology, people now feel more equipped to handle the difficulties of remote relations. So more individuals, couples, and families have ventured to take their lives on the road.

People who yearn for a change in ZIP code every couple of weeks or months — now referred to as digital nomads — can stay in touch with loved ones while they enjoy their travels. Then at journey’s end, they return home to spend time together in intermittent periods. Or they can go together for a #vanlife adventure.

You don’t have to hop around Europe for the next six months to pull a Hannah Montana and “get the best of both worlds” in remote relationships.

You can enjoy the benefits of digital communication features by sending your lover unique gifts, video messages, and surprise deliveries (such as care packages for when they’re sick, taking on exam week, or just straight up going through their Flop Era). Think of this as a big virtual hug. 

Technology is a Blessing and a Curse

If we’ve learned anything from the past several decades of the Digital Age, it’s that no technological change comes without some negatives to counteract the positives.

On one hand, technology has carried humanity leaps and bounds in improving communication, reducing feelings of loneliness, and maintaining emotional intimacy and connectedness with those we love. 

On the other, generations that have grown up with technology — and even those who haven’t — are becoming increasingly dependent on it.

As a result, many of us are losing the skills necessary for healthy in-person interactions, experiencing feelings of neglect, and struggling to avoid the miscommunications that arise from trying to connect from behind a screen. Turns out, the best of both worlds isn’t always, well, the best. 

Since the early years of my aunt and uncle’s love story, things have changed a little bit. OK, a lotta bit. The integration of digital devices into our daily lives has allowed people all over the world to both become and stay connected with one another, making it easier than ever for couples in remote relationships to flourish (or, at least, survive). 

Whether it’s through late-night FaceTime calls from bed, a shared indie playlist, or an endless battle to guess the daily Wordle, people everywhere are using the fruits of technological advancement to create closeness between themselves and loved ones around the world. 

Is it always crying-laughing emojis and e-gifts? Absolutely not. At the end of the day, the tech we’ve come to rely on so heavily comes with its fair share of hurdles to jump. But all of this is fairly new to the human race, after all, and growing pains are to be expected — so maybe the best thing to do is hold on tight and enjoy the ride as we work out the kinks.

…Or you could always ditch your devices and start petitioning for the installation of a couple of local payphones. Who knows, maybe my aunt and uncle were onto something.