I want to talk to you about the filters on eharmony. I get the question all the time from the male clients I coach: “Amie, is it worth paying for the extra filters, or is it just a waste of money?”
If I’m being honest about it… I love the filters on serious dating sites like eharmony. I am a big advocate for using filters — in a smart way. Being intentional about online dating depends on whether you know your non-negotiables and are clear on what you are willing to negotiate.
Search filters aren’t going to perform any magic for you if you have no idea what you’re looking for.
When used correctly, I believe what they can do is save you a lot of time (and we all know your time is valuable) entertaining mismatches.
So let’s talk about what you actually get for free on eharmony, what is worth paying for, and how to know if the dating service is worth investing in.
The Free Filters Men Should Start With
eharmony offers filters for Height, Age, Has Children, and Wishes for Children for free. These are your basic filters. Using these filters can help you to see if you’re even aligned with the person enough to continue the conversation before getting any deeper.
If you’re a free member and just starting out on eharmony, these filters are enough to look around and see if viable matches are near you.
Has Children & Wishes For Children
Why are these specific filters important? When it comes to your life path, it’s important to know if children are part of the plan or not. Any relationship seeker must ask themselves what they truly want here.
I had a client in his early 40s who, deep down inside, wanted his own family. He said he was ashamed of owning it and thought women would think he was needy for putting it out there.
For years, he was frustrated because he never put that as a requirement in his searches, and he kept meeting women who didn’t want kids or were done with having kids. When he would share his truths about wanting children, the relationship would end.
Our work together helped him gain clarity about how much he wanted his own children. This became a non-negotiable for him. So we started being more targeted with the type of singles we were attracting by using the filter for “wishes for children.” It helped him connect with women who were more aligned with his values.
That’s why using this filter is so important, it helps you find partners who want the same life vision and lifestyle you’re looking for.
Age
eharmony is known for its deep psychological profiles and compatibility ratings. But two of its free filters seem to be a bit more superficial: Age and Height. These are two filters I want you to be careful about and use sparingly.
Let me share how this simple tool helped me meet my husband. Back when I was 33 and online dating, I used to have a rule to only date three years older than myself. I felt like anyone older than that would be too old for me, and I wouldn’t be attracted to them.
And boy, was my selection slim.
One day, I said to myself, be more open, or you’ll never find anyone. And I raised my age range to 10 years older than me.
That is exactly when a handsome 40-year-old match came in. Who knew he’d become my husband! The filter worked for me when I was ready, because I knew age was not non-negotiable for me. That willingness to stretch myself rewarded me.
Height
The same goes for height! It’s really not going to make or break a relationship.
If you are screening your matches based on superficial filters, I’d push you to ask yourself WHY a number matters to you. Is it truly a non-negotiable, or are you looking for something deeper, like finding an equal partner with similar values?
Be honest with yourself before you make that judgment.
The Paid Filters: Dive Deeper Into Core Values
Now for an additional investment on eharmony, you can have access to filters like: Religion, Smoking Habits, Ethnicity, Income, and Education.
This is where your non-negotiables really matter. These filters are a far cry from basic free filters. They are about your deep-rooted core values and how you want to live your life.
Religion
I worked with a man who was raised as a Christian and always pictured having his own kids within that same faith. He talked about the details of how he wanted to spend his holidays and the Christian traditions that were passed down from his family.
For him, religion wasn’t just a preference. It was a true non-negotiable.
In the case of my client, paying to filter his religion was worth it. It helped him with efficiency. It saved him from dating someone who wasn’t aligned in faith. His Christian values were so important to him that it was worthwhile to prioritize them.
Smoking Habits
Many men I speak to tell me that a healthy lifestyle is important to them. They prefer nonsmokers. Using the Smoking Habits filter helps them bring in people who want the same thing. It’s not about judgment, but more about finding someone who matches their lifestyle.
Ethnicity
This is a bit of a controversial one. Everyone has a different take on whether it’s okay to filter by ethnicity. Maybe you have a physical type that fits into an ethnicity box. Or maybe sharing a similar cultural background is important to you.
Personally, this would not be my go-to filter to use on eharmony (or any other dating platform) because it’s more superficial and broad, and it actually tells very little about who a person truly is.
Income & Education
Income and Education are the two filters I want you to slow down and pay attention to because this is where the single men I work with filter out of judgment rather than actual compatibility.
Just because someone doesn’t have a degree, that doesn’t mean they aren’t successful, well-read, or ambitious. They might have had money troubles or family situations that led them to quit school early, but their intellect might still meet your standards.
And let’s say they didn’t make a certain income, but they were a great contributor to the relationship in other ways. Would you be okay with that?
Considering your own biases is important. I spent years dating people who checked boxes that looked good on paper and didn’t look deeper into the person’s character. I ended up dating a guy with a degree who was financially irresponsible. Yes, he had a high income, but he squandered it.
Filter for Mutual Compatibility
When choosing filters, don’t only ask whether a woman meets your preferences. Ask whether you’re likely to meet hers, too. If you want someone who values family, an active lifestyle, or financial responsibility, make sure your profile demonstrates those qualities.
Filters can narrow the pool, but they can’t make up for a profile that doesn’t communicate who you are or what you offer in a relationship.
My Pro Tip: Don’t make the mistake of filtering good people out for the wrong reasons.
Which eharmony Filters Should Men Prioritize?
This is going to be different for everyone. For me, expanding my age radius ended up making the difference in my dating life. Someone else might see religion or education as a key factor in their future partner.
If you’re only going to use one filter on eharmony, I’d say let it be Wants Children. This is almost always going to be a dealbreaker. It’s not something either of you can easily compromise on.
eharmony profiles are full of good information, so you can use them to make a good judgment about what’s right for you. Know yourself and your personal non-negotiables. That’ll make the next steps clearer.
Can You Filter eharmony Matches by Distance?
Yes, but only paid members can switch the default setting of “Countries and Regions” to the more targeted “Search Distance.” The algorithm prioritizes local profiles, of course, but if you don’t want to see the occasional out-of-town or out-of-state profile, it could be worth an upgrade.
How Do I Decide Which Filters to Use on eharmony?
Again, it all comes down to knowing yourself and your wants. Ask yourself three simple questions:
- Would this prevent a long-term relationship from working?
- Would I decline a first date solely because of it?
- Do I think this type of person would be interested in being in a relationship with me as well?
This is a basic guideline for knowing what’s an important dealbreaker (aka filter) that should apply to your online dating experience.
Why am I Not Getting Matches on eharmony?
If you’re a man who isn’t getting enough matches on eharmony, your filters may be too restrictive. Start by widening preferences such as age, height, income, or education while keeping genuine relationship dealbreakers in place.
Your profile matters, too. Make sure your photos, answers, and relationship goals give compatible women enough information to picture what dating you would actually be like.
When you’re a new member on eharmony, it’s a good idea to start pretty broad and apply filters one at a time to narrow the pool to your desired few.
So Are eharmony’s Filters Worth it?
Well, back to what I said before: It’s only worth paying for filters when you are clear about your non-negotiables, not just your preferences.
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A non-negotiable is something that, if it isn’t met, would fundamentally break the relationship down the road. This is like if you want children and your partner doesn’t. It’s much more than just a pet peeve that annoys you.
A preference is something you might want in a partner, but if you don’t get it, you won’t miss it. Height, hair color, and pet preferences might fall into this category.
If you’re open-minded and looking to explore, the free membership is a good way to start off.
If you are clear about what you need around religion, education, family, or your lifestyle, yes…paying for eharmony’s filters could be worth investing in because it will save you time by allowing you to focus solely on people who are absolutely aligned with you and what you want to create.
