Messaging Tips For Lesbian Dating Apps

Lesbian Dating

7 Messaging Tips for Gay Women to Break the Ice on Dating Apps (Feb. 2024)

Pamela Gort

Written by: Pamela Gort

Pamela Gort

After two long-term relationships and five years of dating, Pamela Gort, The Lesbian Love Coach, spent years synthesizing the most effective and relevant dating and relationship practices into five easy steps called “Find Her and Keep Her" specifically tailored for lesbians. Using her warm, funny, direct coaching style, Pamela guides single lesbians to fall in love with themselves so they can attract and keep conscious, lasting, and loving relationships.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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There are so many ways to break the ice with a woman who captures your attention. First let me ask – how committed are you to finding love or at least getting some dates? If you are committed, then using these messaging tips will help you find better matches through a dating app’s algorithms and your organic messaging.  

The most critical step is to be active on lesbian dating apps once you’ve started the search  and know that life does happen for you and your potential matches. My advice is stay in the flow and try not to take things personally. 

1. Follow The Process

Finding love is much like finding a job. First, you want to create a rocking profile so you can attract great dates. Then, you need a strategy to find the right person. Finally, the right tactics can help you filter the potential women and point you in the direction of the ideal match for you to date.

Last month I gave you some profile makeover tips; this month you get the tactics. Personality-driven dating platforms like eharmony and EliteSingles will match you with some women based on the criteria you entered, like geographical distance from you, religion, education, income and so on.

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Now it’s your turn to start filtering based on pictures and profiles. Photos are the first thing swiping app users notice, so that’s why my advice is always to use great photos, girls.

But let’s face it, photos don’t tell the whole story. Not all great-looking chicks are the best matches. Read her profile with the goal of getting to know her. If she has spent some time creating her profile, you’ll discover what kind of person she is, her sense of humor, her values, family life, hobbies, activities, and what she loves to do. If all this interests you, then it’s time to reach out. 

2. Messaging Etiquette

The point of messaging is to help you decide if you are still interested. Be brief and conversational. Start a quick convo to gauge her responsiveness and maybe prompt her sense of humor. The key here is balance – be enthusiastic and interested without too much detail. If you are on multiple apps or speaking with several girls, try not to have too many sidebars going on because slow response times absolutely can kill the momentum.

Back and forth conversations with too much time in between replies may be frustrating and is recognized as a huge turn off. She knows what’s happening and feels disrespected. Female-friendly apps like Bumble have even started hiding or deleting message threads after a period of inactivity.

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Bumble is a progressive dating app founded by women for women.

The goal of messaging is to decide if you want to call, video chat or even meet in person. Unless you’re looking for a pen pal (hopefully not), don’t spend too much time messaging. Go for the date.

If you have been messaging for some time and there seems to be chemistry, get the process moving to a date. Timing is important because she may also be messaging someone else who beats you to the punch. You may feel ghosted but, there was no commitment, especially if you have only been messaging. It may be weird if someone suddenly falls off the radar, but it happens. Be prepared.

3. Mix Up Your First Message

Please do not limit yourself to “Hi, how are you today?” Blah, boring. Be creative. What caused you to check her out? Her great smile, beautiful eyes, something funny or interesting in her photos. Comment briefly on whatever attracts you, and maybe throw in a relevant question to kick things off.

“You certainly are active! What’s your favorite area to hike?”

Basically, the first message should catch her attention and show her you have looked at her profile and have a genuine interest. If she reads it, she will likely check out your profile to see who you are. If she likes what she sees, then hopefully she will reply. 

“I love your look in your profile picture, so fresh and captivating. You seem like you really enjoy life.”

With messaging, time is of the essence. Reply quickly but without seeming overly eager. When a woman messages you, she is ready to chat. If you take too long, she will find someone else who is interested. She may be looking at a few people at once and you want to be the one who catches her attention first. Women are more likely to focus on one person at a time for dating but will message several while looking for the perfect match.

“Your smile is gorgeous! What things make you smile the most?”

Many dating platforms have users browse under their first name, but some still ask you to choose a username, and that’s an opportunity to get creative and grab attention right away. Try to come up with a nickname that says something about you. For example, RunnerSue or MaryLovesHiking or ChefCindy77 can tell date prospects what your interests are immediately.

4. Pay Attention to Messaging Frequency & Speed

Some women play games and do not want to reply too quickly. I encourage you to space out your messages initially, so you don’t inundate her and act too eager. Messaging a few women that you like is a good idea because ghosting and flaking can be common among online matches.

Many single women wind up ghosting or being ghosted simply because we all lead busy lives. It isn’t always personal. That attractive young woman may have exams to study for, or she may be chatting with multiple people, as you should be doing too. Maybe she decided to leave the app for her mental health or is distracted by personal issues. No one is required to give you a reason for why they stop messaging. Do not take it personally. 

Photo of two women talking
Lesbian daters should establish a friendly and attentive conversational style early on.

When you are in a live message chat, be sure to respond quickly or she could get bored waiting and start chatting with someone else. Keep the convo casual and the replies short and sweet. If you need to go, let her know you’re leaving the conversation for now and hope to chat later. At the point when you confirm a video chat and share your cell number, you can begin phone texting with her.

The point of messaging is to learn more about her so you can decide if you want to move to the dating phase. I recommend starting with a video chat because you can learn more about someone when you hear her voice and how she speaks. Having a video chat is highly encouraged to help you sniff out scams or bots. You want to make sure they are who they say they are. If she repeatedly stalls or cancels, there is something wrong. If you get no call and no video, then stop messaging. There are plenty of fish out there.

5. Gauging Interest

If a woman doesn’t reply to your message she is probably not interested. If you pay for the app you can see if she has read the message. You can also see if she is active on the site at the moment.  If you don’t have that feature, then you don’t know for sure. There are lots of women out there who dabble online and are not active daily. Don’t fret too much over not getting replies.

Just because you don’t float her boat doesn’t mean you’re not a wonderful human being. It works both ways. It’s totally OK to ignore messages from those who aren’t your type.

Use your back-and-forth messaging to reflect your personality. A good way of doing that is infusing your messages with qualities you have, like humor, intelligence or even some weirdness. Be witty, charming, silly, teasing, whatever makes you, you. This is crucial because sharing as much as possible about yourself helps lesbians see who you really are, which can help them decide if you are a good match.

6. Ignore Certain Messages

You may get messages from people who do not interest you. I suggest ignoring them. No need to say “Thanks, but you are not my type” or “Get lost, I’m a lesbian” (when a man messages you), or “I’m not interested in being in your threesome.”

You may think it’s polite to reply to nice messages from girls you are not interested in, but you may give false hope and waste your time and hers. At the same time, check out her profile in case there’s possibly something there.

7. Upgrade Your Account

If you are committed to finding love, then you should consider paying for a dating app membership or upgrade. With a premium plan, you will have all the features like seeing if she read your messages, is currently online and when she was online last.

Having the support of an upgraded dating app can be motivating. When you’re searching for a match, it is easy to get discouraged if the women you are messaging do not reply. You won’t know if they are not interested or just haven’t been active on the app for good reasons like emergencies, vacations, work projects, or other life interruptions.

There are many benefits of upgrading your account, including getting priority service, seeing who likes you, unlocking every user’s extended profile, and seeing if your emails were read or deleted. Upgrading may also allow you to find out the date and time someone viewed your profile, triple how many people view your dating profile, stand out in all searches, and upload more pictures.

Some dating platforms — including Match, eharmony, and Elite Singles — use premium subscriptions as a quality filter and only allow unlimited communication between paid members.

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The benefits of a premium membership can increase your chances of being seen and let you know who is looking at you. More reasons to makeover your profile so it’s worthy of standing out. Upgrading increases your chances of meeting a compatible person.

Start out with a free membership and see if the app suits you before upgrading. The price of dating app upgrades can range widely with some costing as much as $300 for a 12-month subscription. Ask yourself, is it worth that to you to find a quality mate? 

Many apps use a behavioral matchmaking algorithm, a technology that delivers matches based on your profile information and swiping behavior. An AI matchmaking engine learns to identify compatibility based on who you like and chat with while on the site. Reputable dating sites also implement anti-spam technology into their service with verification steps so spammers cannot bug you. Some dating apps have a photo or text verification process to eliminate fake profiles. 

So how long should you expect to be on the app? I recommend paying for a full year because it may take that long to decide on a quality person. My advice is take your time and do not be in a hurry. I know how it goes when you meet someone, and it clicks right away for both of you. That is normally infatuation or limerence. Both are temporary. That lesbian you found may seem so perfect, she can do no wrong and it’s difficult to find anything wrong with her. Then around three to six months later, reality sets in and you see her in a different light. Slow down.

Tackle Online Dating One Message at a Time

Online dating can be frustrating and scary. In the end it will be worth the search. Follow these tips to help improve your chances of choosing a quality match. When you start dating your dream lesbian, take it slow, introduce her to your friends (have them give their opinion) and continue to get to know her before you jump into anything serious. 

Remember if things do not work out, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Have fun and make online dating an adventure to find your pot of lesbian love at the other end of the rainbow. Now go and message her!

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