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Discreet relationships are different from the relationships you see plastering PDA on social media or out and about in your everyday life. Instead of posing together for cutesy photos or going on dates at crowded venues, a discreet relationship might mean that you and your partner don’t interact publicly.
Is it wrong? Not necessarily. You might find yourself in a discreet relationship for many reasons—whether you’re not ready to come out as a member of the LGBTQ+ community or you’re in an unconventional and non-monogamous relationship that might face judgment from others. People from all walks of life participate in discreet relationships.
Read on to learn more about the purposes discreet relationships can serve, whether one might work for you, and the best practices to ensure that you treat your dating partners – and yourself! – with respect and dignity.
Secretive relationships have likely existed in some form since the beginning of time, but not to the degree they exist today. The modern dating scene and the advent of apps have introduced new complexities and privacy concerns crucial to understanding before entering a discreet situation.
There are many popular names and slang terms for discreet relationships. If you’ve ever been asked to “keep things on the DL” or “not kiss and tell,” you’ve experienced a discreet relationship.
But it’s important to note that you might not always discuss the official label in a discreet relationship. Even if the terminology isn’t the same as “DL,” “discreet,” or “secret,” the focus on privacy defines it.
In discreet situations, you and a partner will avoid publicly engaging in romantic activities such as hand-holding or even flirting. There probably won’t be date nights at popular restaurants where there’s a chance of being seen and recognized, and you definitely won’t post relationship updates on Instagram.
Depending on the terms you agree upon, you may also be closed off about the relationship to people in your life. If your friends or family even know there is a special someone, they may not know their name or how they look.
Ultimately, the goal is to avoid attention and scrutiny. The reasons why this may be necessary can vary. In an extramarital affair, for example, the couple will want to avoid being seen for fear of word getting back to their primary partner(s). Staying secretive becomes necessary to continue the affair.
In other situations, you may need a discreet relationship to shield yourself and your partner from personal attacks or judgment. In the LGBTQ+ dating world, some discreet daters may still be closeted and seek to engage in sexual or romantic relations while presenting heterosexually to others in their life.
According to the Grindr Glossary, a dictionary of popular terms for users of the gay dating app, “DL” is for “downlow” or closeted individuals, while “discreet” defines “someone who values their privacy and could be closeted…Good luck getting a face picture.”
Here, the purpose of discreet dating is to avoid social ostracization or possible harm from homophobic individuals.
Similarly, in unconventional relationships, such as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationships, individuals may choose to remain discreet and hide their faces on dating apps to avoid blowback from anyone who would take issue with the poly lifestyle.
The factors that influence a decision to enter into a discreet relationship are variable depending on where you are and who you are. However, privacy and societal expectations remain at the forefront of discreet daters’ minds, and they may even have legal and ethical issues to consider.
Doxing, or the act of revealing personal information about someone online without consent, can be a significant concern for people who choose to date discreetly.
When meeting new people online, it’s essential to safeguard your personal information – full name, home address, phone number, and occupation.
If you choose to exclude certain details from your profiles for privacy reasons, you’re doing discreet dating the right way.
Depending on the nature of your relationship, other people may perceive the moral and legal implications negatively. Many social circles will harshly judge individuals participating in an extramarital affair or a polyamorous relationship.
If you’re breaking norms or marital vows, it makes sense that you might be hesitant to go public and face criticism or isolation.
If you are in a field of work that would discourage your relationship or view it as unethical, you have even more incentive to remain secretive.
Several forms of relationships continue to gain acceptance gradually. For instance, a 2022 Gallup survey revealed that 6 in 10 Americans said they believe the legalization of same-sex marriage is good for society.
In the case of unconventional relationships, more niche apps like Feeld and #Open are popping up to allow polyamorous, kinky, and open-minded daters to find one another.
Online dating creates a safe space for exploring new arrangements and creating your own rules.
The communities in which we live and work don’t always reflect broader societal attitudes, and being discreet can be important to protect your reputation and safety.
There are multiple avenues to pursue a discreet relationship. Whether you’re interested in experimenting with an online dating app or adopting a new alternative lifestyle, we have information to guide you through the experience.
Websites and apps allow you to choose what personal information you share, which means you only disclose the details you feel comfortable publicly displaying.
You can use a nickname and wait to reveal your true identity until you have met a match and built trust. We recommend you include body pictures but none of your face, and make sure to exclude identifying details such as your college, occupation, or workplace.
While swiping through the apps and filtering for matches, you’ll have the flexibility to pass on and block anyone you know. Ultimately, since you sit behind a screen, online dating offers the most options to maintain your secrecy.
Maintaining secrecy is essential if you’re engaging in an extramarital affair and want to avoid social repercussions.
Maybe your affair partner is an old friend who sparks deep feelings, or perhaps you propositioned a sexy stranger on a dating app. In any case, you’ll want to reduce the risk of discovery by carefully planning your meetings and online correspondences.
The online world might be pretty enticing if you’ve been unhappy in your relationship for a while and are looking for discreet fun. Popular dating website Ashley Madison markets itself as a leading resource for married or attached individuals hoping to date while remaining discreet.
An alternative relationship is any form of sexual or romantic relationship that does not align with traditional monogamy. This definition encompasses ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, swinging, and open relationships.
These non-traditional relationships may require a degree of privacy for certain people. Not everyone feels comfortable being out and diving into alternative lifestyles. The multiple partners in a poly relationship may wish to be private or speak discreetly about their involvement to avoid judgment or stigmatization.
Consider using online dating apps if you need a discreet space to follow your desires safely. Mainstream apps such as Hinge and Tinder allow users to designate a relationship preference, but you must pay to filter potential matches by the same criteria.
If you feel exposed and uncomfortable on mainstream apps, you may enjoy the more accepting and like-minded poly community on Feeld. All sexualities and relationship types are welcomed. Users can indicate the relationship type they seek, and it’s common to see profiles with hidden faces or shortened names.
Are you interested in going further? It might take some adjustment, but as you navigate your discreet relationship, you’ll need to get comfortable employing certain stealth methods for communicating and meeting out of sight.
You and your partner(s) should develop code words for sensitive subjects. The last thing you want is someone to pick up your phone and accidentally read all your business. Concealing your plans via code solves the issue.
You can use code words to indicate that one partner is at risk of being discovered and should stop texting immediately. It may also be a good idea to change contact names and refer to dates or hookups as work-related meetings, as in, “Thanks for the reminder; I’ll see you at the conference later.”
Speaking in codes can be difficult in person, so learning to use indirect language and nonverbal cues is also valuable. Instead of addressing issues point blank, discuss the relationship in vague, general terms.
For example, an affair partner might ask how the weather was on vacation to gauge how things are at home. Such shorthand will be personal to your relationship. The goal is to ensure that nothing you say will reveal the nature of the situationship to a listener.
As you speak, use cues with your eyes to encourage someone to keep speaking or tell them to stop. Perhaps you can come up with a subtle hand signal, such as tucking your hair behind your ear, to caution that someone is approaching.
Those in stable, discreet relationships will want to speak in as private a location as possible, away from the public eye. Avoid crowded, popular bars, restaurants, and community centers that families or coworkers might frequent.
Commuting further out of town to meet away from people who know you is always an option. Parking lots or natural areas such as parks and trails are also available should a commute be inaccessible. However, we’ll share how this advice varies when meeting someone from an app or website for the first time in person.
Code words aren’t always going to be enough to avoid detection. If you want to stay discreet long-term, secure communication channels are essential.
Snapchat is a popular choice due to its signature feature, where shared photos and videos self-destruct, sometimes as quickly as 10 seconds after being seen. The timing is up to the sender’s discretion, and they’ll be notified if the recipient screenshots or records the material. This ensures that all graphic content stays secure.
Snapchat’s messaging function also automatically deletes messages after 24 hours. Users can toggle this setting off if they’d prefer the messages to remain permanently, though we don’t recommend this for those in discreet relationships.
Note that Snapchat requires you to sign up with a phone number or email address, and contacts in your address book may locate you in the app’s “Add Friends” feature.
If Snapchat isn’t viable, consider encrypted messaging apps such as Signal and Telegram. Signal boasts end-to-end encryption that keeps conversations secure. The team claims the app can’t read messages or listen to calls, protecting you from potential data breaches.
Telegram offers a “secret chat” option, which sends all messages with end-to-end encryption. On top of this, messages sent in secret chats can’t be forwarded. When you delete messages on your side of the conversation, the app on the other side of the secret chat will also delete them.
On Telegram, you can order your messages, photos, and videos to self-destruct on a timer after the recipient has opened them. The message will then disappear from all devices. This feature makes it an excellent fit for the dater who needs privacy in the dating scene.
As exciting as it can initially sound, being in a discreet relationship comes with many challenges. You need to be aware of the risks involved and have a plan to combat any conflict should it arise.
Understandably, a person involved in a discreet relationship could develop trust issues. When you aren’t being publicly shown off or reassured, it can feel as if your partner is ashamed of you and hiding you so that they can freely pursue others. Jealousy can quickly come into play in such circumstances.
Offering candid transparency is the key to resolving trust issues. Make check-ins regularly and remain open to honest conversations about what is and isn’t working.
If a partner expresses dissatisfaction or distrust, you may have to remind them of the rules and expectations of the relationship – and the potential negative impacts. Your goal should be to clarify that you don’t disrespect your partner but rather that your protection of each other is an act of respect.
Of course, that feeling of living a double life can get old. Before you get involved, you should seriously consider the impacts on your personal life.
Will you become a worse parent if your attention is drawn away from your children and toward your mistress? How will you make continued excuses at work if you constantly need to get away and tend to new responsibilities? These are just a few questions to ask yourself whether you’re closeted or engaging in an affair.
You might even develop a sense of paranoia about others notifying friends and family.
If you are struggling to remain discreet, help is available; a licensed therapist or counselor can keep your concerns private and help you work through emotional difficulties.
And if a secret love life isn’t for you, that’s OK. Talk to your partner about going public – or breaking up.
Dating websites and apps may promise privacy, but their systems can pose security risks. Online dating history is riddled with data breaches and leaks.
Affair site Ashley Madison is, unfortunately, a major target for cybercriminals. In the infamous 2015 Ashley Madison breach, hackers stole 32 million data records from website users. In 2020, an extortion scheme again targeted Ashley Madison users via emails containing personal information from the site.
Even if you’re not using an affair site like Ashley Madison, every social media platform comes with security concerns. You should always proceed cautiously on dating and even social media apps such as Snapchat.
However unlikely, a recipient can still take a photo of a disappearing message from another device.
Be careful not to show your face or easily identifiable physical features in any sensitive photos or videos you share. Don’t disclose personal information too soon while chatting on a dating app.
If you are meeting for the first time in person after talking online, always arrange to meet somewhere public and well-populated at a busy time of day. Even if you risk being seen, it is more important to stay safe and in the eyes of people who can help you if the date goes south.
Consider looking for first-date spots in a nearby town where people you know aren’t likely to see you.
Transparency and consent are necessary for maintaining healthy communication, which is necessary for a discreet relationship to survive.
Just because it’s unconventional doesn’t mean you get to treat your romantic partners with disrespect. Always aim to maintain integrity and inform your partner if you change your mind, if you suspect others are catching on, or if anything else happens that would out you or cause harm.
The last thing you want is for your discreet partner to talk about your relationship with all their friends because they didn’t know it was supposed to be low-key.
Have a conversation as soon as possible – on a first date or before sexual contact – to ensure that everyone is fully aware of the terms and expectations.
Even if you speak in code in public or via text, drop the mystique in private. You’ll need to be clear when articulating your needs and expectations. If issues crop up and bother you, speak up instead of holding it in.
Remember that you’re a team. You’ll need to work together to navigate the circumstances of a discreet connection. Try not to get defensive as you work through conflict.
A mutual understanding of likes, dislikes, and limits is crucial. You can combine this conversation with your first discussion of consent. Provide specific examples to gauge where the line is.
Is your significant other OK with not going on public dates? How frequently do they want to see you? Talk about the logistics so no one is caught by surprise.
A discreet relationship is not for everyone. These romantic involvements often entail societal judgment, security risks, and the everyday challenges of making a relationship work. Sometimes, it feels easier to be yourself and accept the struggles that come along with it instead of living a lie and hiding your feelings.
Discreet daters must balance privacy and transparency while respecting their partners. Have an end goal in mind – you can’t stay secret forever.
Difficulties may arise as you navigate the relationship, but when you’re honest about your expectations and open to receiving feedback, the outside noise should begin to matter less.
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