Finding a secure attachment through online dating — especially if you’re looking for a serious relationship — can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. But I assure you it’s possible. I know because I met my husband on Bumble.
Many people of all genders and sexual orientations know the benefits of thriving within a healthy, long-term, and committed relationship. Many singles are out there looking for love. They are on the dating apps too. The problem is, how to find them?
I’ll take you through my methodology and strategies that really help move the needle in the search for love online.
How to Find Serious Relationships Through Online Dating (Quick Checklist)
- State “long-term relationship” clearly in your profile.
- Screen early for consistency + intentions.
- Move to a real-world meet quickly and exit fast when misaligned.
If you’re using online dating to find a serious relationship, the first step is learning how to filter out people who aren’t looking for the same thing.
Identify the Casual Daters: 3 Red Flags to Watch For
The first thing you need to know is that human beings have very different mating strategies when it comes to finding a short-term versus a long-term relationship.
People looking for a short-term relationship will often say they are looking for something casual, be overly flirty, or comment on looks in their early messages.
Pay attention to those signals. Here are three red flags.
Red Flag #1: Going After Sex Early
People looking for short-term relationships will attempt to have sex very early in the relationship (on the first date or within the first week of meeting).
Love at first sight does not exist! Lust at first sight certainly does.
They’ll comment on your physicality or boast about their looks, keeping everything on a superficial level because they’re not seeking anything deeper than a sexual connection.
Red Flag #2: Love Bombing
An online match may love bomb you and tell you they are the special connection they’ve always been waiting for.
Love bombers pour on the flattery, but when you really stop to think about it… they don’t know a single thing about you.
It’s a manipulative tactic meant to make you put down your guard. Don’t fall for it.
Red Flag #3: They’re Looking to “See Where Things Go”
Many time wasters have told their dates they just want to wait and see where the connection goes. They don’t like labels. They just want to keep having fun. They’re not sure about marriage or really what they want in the future.
It’s important that you pay attention to the signals that a person isn’t taking the connection as seriously as you are. It’s not a bad thing. They just want something different.
Take my advice: Be cautious in the selection phase and eliminate early if you’re not aligned in what you want.
Put Your Best Digital Foot Forward
How you advertise yourself on a dating app is crucial.
Evolutionary psychologists know that the key to human mating largely lies in female choice. Women have all the control and power at the beginning of a relationship.
When giving dating advice to straight women, I always say to lead with stories of loyalty and honesty. Talk about your character and your values. Avoid anything hot and sexy until later on.
Men don’t fall in love through sex. They fall in love through trust. And sadly, their evolutionary wiring makes them mistrust any woman who gives them sex quickly.
As for men, the most important thing to showcase is that you’re an upstanding, committed-oriented person.
You can do that through behavior consistency.
Show consistency in how quickly you text back, how many words you put in that text, and how willing you are to get together in the real world.
And, most important of all, keep in mind that consistency also means that your actions match your words. If you say you’re going to call a woman at 7 PM. Call the woman at exactly 7 PM.
Want a Relationship? Say It Loud & Proud
Your dating profile sets the tone for who you are and what you’ll tolerate. From the beginning, do not be afraid to do what people are calling “loud looking.”
That means say it very clearly in your profile that you’re looking for a long-term relationship.
Here are some tips to make your profile one that people will take seriously.
Post Pictures of Your Hobbies, Not Your Body
Make sure your pictures follow up with that. Your online dating photos should show you doing exactly the things you do in your life, at work, exercising, playing with your dog, but definitely not in a bathing suit!
And dudes, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, a shirtless selfie in the bathroom is not the way to get it.
Swipe “No” on the Casuals
Next, avoid matching with anybody who uses the word “casual” in their profile. Someone who says they’re looking for something casual is by definition not looking for a long-term relationship.
Likewise, be hesitant about somebody who writes the words “no drama.”
This is somebody who may not have the tools to negotiate emotional intimacy or a relationship conflict, which are part and parcel of a long-term, healthy relationship.
Know What You Deserve & Don’t Settle for Less
If you’re looking for a long-term committed relationship on a dating app, there is one huge golden rule: learn to discern. That means walk away from someone who gives signals that they are looking for something casual.
Your superpower is your ability to say no and move away from somebody who exhibits signs that they are not in the same stage of life.
A person may be stringing you along if they exhibit these warning signs:
- Inconsistent in their texts
- Refuses to meet in the real world
- Makes you feel more confused than assured.
At this point, it’s important that you don’t sit around falling in love with hope.
Some people get so attached to someone’s online romantic résumé that they keep thinking this person will change.
Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you are the exception, and they will change for you. It’s the biggest mistake people make in dating. The exception epidemic keeps way too many people single.
FAQs About Online Dating for Serious Relationships
There is no one dating site where you’re guaranteed to find more people looking for long-term relationships. Just as in decades past, there was no nightclub that promised people with a secure attachment style.
Dating sites like eharmony and Match are better known for helping relationship seekers, but there have been reports of people finding love on Tinder as well.
While no app guarantees commitment, platforms that require detailed profiles and paid memberships tend to attract more people interested in serious relationships through online dating.
Success on the apps is less about WHERE to find and more about HOW to find a long-term relationship. The key is to learn how to read the profiles and to advertise yourself as someone who is not looking for a short-term relationship.
What Does Someone Who Wants a Serious Relationship Look Like?
A person who wants a relationship will almost always say that, either in the dating profile or in conversation. They will talk about their values and ask about yours. They will not shy away from deeper topics and progressing the relationship.
The big words to avoid are “I’m looking for something casual.” Or “I’m still trying to figure out my relationship goals.”
That is clear code for not looking for a commitment. Pay attention to what a person says their intentions are and believe them.
In addition to that, if someone’s profile is hyper physical, lots of bathing suits and gym shots, and the words written in their profile seem to indicate light and fun over substance, that’s another way to weed out those who are looking for mostly sex.
How Long Should I Spend Messaging Before Going on a Date?
If you’re relationship-oriented, my best advice is to not get into long-term texting on the dating app.
Dating apps are clearly named incorrectly. They should be called “meeting” apps. Don’t “date” on the app!
After about three texts where the person is responding consistently, it’s best to give your phone number or ask for their phone number so you can get on the phone and actually have a conversation.
Which First Date Spots are Best for Relationship Seekers?
Anything with bright lighting shows that someone is looking to be open, visible, and honest. That includes bright coffee shops and hiking.
I would stay away from dimly lit bars and restaurants for a first meeting. The ambience is designed to trick your brain into thinking something’s romantic when it may not be at all.
A first date with a stranger can be filled with misplaced anticipation that can trigger a major letdown. It’s an awful feeling for people to get dressed up and ready to present the best version of themselves, only to find out in the first five minutes that this is not who they imagined!
It’s better to meet for a quick coffee date, (I like to call it a drive-by date.) Just to say hello. After a short 30-minute chat, you’ll know if it’s a good idea to go on a proper first date.
How Do You Ask Someone Out Online?
It’s best to extend an invitation that has low stakes to start out.
Don’t say, “Would you like to go out with me sometime?” That is very vague. It’s better to be specific and create a low-risk ask that involves a short time investment and convenience.
The best way to ask somebody out on a dating app is “Hey, I know a great coffee shop in your neighborhood. It’s called [insert name here]. Want to grab a coffee with me sometime?” That’s it. Short, sweet, and direct.
Did you notice I wasn’t so specific as to say a particular time and day? This is because it allows the person to say “no” based on scheduling.
Be specific about where to meet and for what. You’ll want to gauge their interest. The scheduling can come later.
Finding Love Online Means Doing the Work
My ultimate advice is to be protective of your time in the dating scene, especially when it comes to online dating.
It’s important to eliminate incompatible profiles very quickly and move to the next person if things aren’t lining up. Remember, you are looking for a needle in a haystack, and to do that, you have to throw away a lot of pieces of straw.
Always prioritize quality over quantity. Do not confuse your brain by matching with too many people at once. Match with one or two, meet them for coffee within a week or so, and explore getting to know them a little bit.
Don’t try to keep up with dozens of matches and conversations just because you can.
It can be way too overwhelming for the brain to juggle a bunch of people and comparison shop. That’s how you get online dating burnout.
Growing intimacy is about focusing on one person, analyzing them, thinking carefully about your potential relationship, and being willing to move away if it’s a mismatch.
