Key Takeaways
We interviewed lesbian matchmakers and looked into online dating statistics to determine if lesbians have a harder time finding a match on the apps.
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Most dating app challenges can be solved by changing apps or adjusting strategies to better suit your intentions.
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A survey of newly engaged lesbians found that 28% met their partners online.
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For those seeking a lesbian relationship, we recommend joining Match.
No matter who you are, online dating comes with challenges. Experiences like ghosting or receiving rude messages are basically universal. But for some, online dating might feel a bit more difficult and scary than the norm.
Lesbian singles face unique challenges like getting asked to join a couple in the bedroom or having to block dudes who think they can change a woman’s sexual preferences. Hard pass!
But is online dating actually harder for lesbians? I interviewed H4M Matchmaking’s Founder Tammy Shaklee, who works exclusively with LGBTQ+ clients, to get her take on online dating’s challenges.
“I would say all singles face the same challenges in online dating,” she told us. “However, when there is a subset or niche of singles, the pool does get smaller, and the choices may seem fewer. It may also feel like you have seen everyone that is out there.”
4 Common Challenges
Lesbians are not a monolith. But based on our research, some challenges seem to come up for them more than others. Here are the hurdles to expect as a woman seeking women online.
1. Smaller Dating Pool
Dating is, unfortunately, a numbers game. Generally speaking, it’s easier to date when there are many available date prospects in your area. That’s why straight women often have an easier time finding matches in online dating: More straight men join dating apps than any other group.
For lesbians, the choices are slimmer. Women are less likely to be on dating apps in general, and then, when you consider that queer women make up a small minority, the numbers shrink.
Many lesbians also have specific gender expressions that attract them. Most people have a “type,” but for lesbians who are solely attracted to masc, femme, or other types of lesbians, the dating pool is narrowed even further.
2. Unicorn Hunters and Unwanted Contact From Men
Many queer women, especially those who are bisexual or nonmonogamous, have to deal with “unicorn hunters” and straight men in their online dating experience.
If you don’t know what a unicorn hunter is: May we all be so fortunate. A unicorn hunter is a person or couple (generally straight) looking for a woman to join them in the bedroom for a one-time threesome.
In online dating, the couple often skates past the moderators by creating a female profile that may not even mention she’s in a relationship or married to a man. She’ll spring this on unsuspecting women once they start chatting, or, even worse, on the first date.
This behavior can feel objectifying. And it gets old very fast for bisexual women. If you are a lesbian who’s only interested in women, this catfishing is a colossal waste of everyone’s time and emotional energy.
I know lesbian women who got turned off from online dating because of all the catfishing men they encountered. And Reddit is full of these complaints. Phrases like “I’m a lesbian too” should be clear giveaways in the chat that something fishy is up.
Some extremely confused men have a fantasy of converting lesbians to being straight. It’s offensive to queer women, and it’s frustrating due to how much time it takes away from the actual dating experience.
3. Misaligned Expectations
Queer people tend to have a wide array of philosophies when it comes to what they want out of relationships. Across the board, LGBTQ+ people are more likely to practice polyamory (though this is by far more true among gay men than any other demographic). Still, many LGBTQ+ people want traditional, monogamous relationships.
Because relationship expectations are far from traditional, lesbians can struggle to find partners who want the same type of relationship. If you want to date to marry and settle down, but your girlfriend doesn’t like labels, it’s hard to settle those differences.
4. Dating App Burnout
All of these issues compound to make the potential for dating app burnout especially possible for lesbians. Online dating can be a real time suck, and there’s no telling when it’ll work out. Dating app burnout is not unique to lesbian women – studies show 78% of all daters report feeling fatigue.
Lesbians are growing increasingly tired of online dating. Maybe they’ve had a dating profile for weeks, months, or even years. After so much disappointment and stress, they become fed up with swiping and its negative effect on their mental health.
How to Make Online Dating Easier
While some factors are out of your control, you can absolutely make online dating better by optimizing the way you approach it.
Choose the Right App
The most popular dating apps might not be the best options for all lesbian daters. Apps like Tinder or Bumble have tons of straight people on them, but maybe not as many lesbian dating options.
When I created a test account on Match as a woman seeking women, I was pleasantly surprised by how many local dating profiles I had to explore. I could also expand my search radius over 100 miles, which is vastly different from the very small radius on a given swiping app.
- Relationships: Friends, Dates, and Relationships
- Match System: Browse by zip, age, appearance, more
- Our Experts Say: “Match lets lesbian singles set their filters and browse on their own terms, deciding who’s worth a closer look instead of leaving it to an algorithm.” Our Review »
- Browse Free: View Photos Now
Some apps may be better than others for your specific dating goals. Match is great for relationship seekers, but if you’re wanting a poly date, then you’ll probably feel more at home on a less traditional app like Feeld.
When it comes to the best lesbian dating app, your intentions matter just as much as your gender identity. Our quiz can help you narrow down which apps and sites will work best for your needs.
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Using the right app can help you narrow your search to what you really want. “If you want a true love connection, join an app that emphasizes personality quirks and unique prompts over superficial swipes,” Dr. Frankie Bashan, LGBTQ+ matchmaker and founder of Little Gay Book advises.
Be Specific About What You Want
If you don’t know what you want, you’ll struggle to find it. “Looking for a fun time” is only a good bio if you’re interested in casual hookups. Otherwise you should say something serious about wanting a commitment or hoping to meet a compatible partner or loving relationship.
- “I’m done with playing the field. I want a relationship that’s going to go the distance.”
- “My perfect relationship is an open relationship, and I’m willing to set boundaries to make that a comfortable and positive experience.”
- “I’m an introvert looking for someone who likes cooking at home and Netflix marathons.”
- “Let’s ask each other questions and keep things light. I love to chat and see where things go.”
At the same time, don’t be unrealistically demanding or look for a mirror of your personality. “You should not be looking to date yourself,” Tammy Shaklee, founder of H4M Matchmaking told us. “Because you want to stay interested in each other for a long-term sustainable relationship.”
Focus on Using One App at a Time
Don’t overcomplicate it with a million different apps. Just use one dating app at a time, so that you can put your best foot forward without overwhelming yourself. Don’t spend all your time swiping.
“I advise to be on only ONE app at a time,” Tammy said. “And to make it a part of your search. It should be a fraction of your search journey. Add to the online search, a visit to a new coffee shop, a new gym to check out, a new meet up, open mic night, and new live music venue.”
When you’re open to dating offline, you’ll have more fun with dating. Swiping through an app can feel like a chore, but approaching someone IRL can bring excitement back into your dating experience.
Get Offline As Soon As You Can
Don’t waste weeks messaging back and forth with someone you’ve matched with but haven’t met in person yet. After a few messages, try to set up a first date (even if it’s just over video). You’ll save yourself time, and you’ll limit the risk of realizing you have no chemistry with someone you built up in your head.
Real dating doesn’t happen online. It happens offline. So shift your focus to prioritize getting that online match to an IRL date, and you’ll waste less time.
Tammy Shaklee urges single lesbians to be present in the real world while online dating.
“There are eligible lesbian women who are not always online, but out in the real world— attending events, doing volunteer work, getting together with friends, who are also seeking a partner in real life,” Tammy said. “Get outside of your home to potentially meet them, picking up takeout, at the farmers market, or checking out new food venues.”
FAQs: What Are the Best Dating Apps for Lesbians?
Lesbians can definitely join high-quality dating apps where they’ll find a good sized dating pool. Some of the best include:
- Match: Great option for lesbians looking for longer-term relationships and values-based dating. While it’s an older dating site, Match is LGBTQ+ inclusive and a great space for deep conversations.
- eharmony: Best for finding deep, psychological compatibility. eharmony is friendly to LGBTQ+ daters and a great option for intentional dating.
- HER: Exclusively for sapphic dating. HER is made for lesbians who want to socialize with women and meet local female dates. HER tends to skew younger.
- Hinge: This is one of the most popular options for young, relationship-minded singles, and that includes lesbians. It’s a nice middle ground between swiping and personality matching.
You might wonder why only one of these four recommended apps are actually marketed for lesbians only. The smaller LGBTQ+ apps just don’t have as many signups, resources, and tools to help singles make real matches. More established dating platforms give daters the best odds of success.
Are Lesbian Apps Better Than Mainstream Dating Apps?
It depends on where you are and what you’re looking for. If you’re in a big city, most reputable dating apps will have options for you, regardless of your sexuality. You can join a niche site and still have a good experience.
In less populated areas, you’ll want to maximize the number of lesbians in your dating pool, so going on a mainstream app is probably your best bet.
More established dating platforms give daters the best odds of success.
Generally speaking, our experts favor joining a mainstream app and narrowing things down from there rather than starting in a niche dating site which is inherently limiting.
Mainstream apps tend to have more robust security and fewer paywalls, so you’re more likely to have a positive experience for free as well.
Where Do Most Lesbians Meet Partners?
An increasing number of Americans are meeting their partners online, and this is especially true of queer and lesbian daters. A solid 46% of queer women have used dating apps, compared to 28% of straight Americans.
In terms of where they actually meet partners, the highest percent of LGB adults met online (28%), followed closely behind by mutual friends (24%), or at school (16%).
Lesbians can meet partners anywhere. But they are certainly a bit more likely to meet online.
Is Online Dating Worth It?
Yes! There are plenty of incredible women online, and given that the highest number of queer people meet online, it’s where you’re most likely to meet a partner.
Online dating starts with a free membership, so the biggest cost is going to be your time and attention. If you set strong boundaries and use the block button on any unwanted advances, you should be able to stay safe and have an overall good experience.
Will there be some frustrating parts of online dating? Almost certainly. But for the women who fell in love online, it’s absolutely worth it.
“Met my partner off of Bumble and she’s the best thing that ever happened to me,” wrote Parallax92 on Reddit. “It took quite some time to find each other and I was just about to give up when we matched. We hit it off right away and have hardly spent a day apart since then. It’s been just about two years.”
Learn the Ropes to Make Online Dating Less Difficult
There’s no way around it: dating is hard for everyone. Lesbians face a scarcity of matches and a constant risk of male harassment, so there’s an argument that it’s harder to meet real lesbian date prospects online.
Keeping a positive attitude, knowing expert recommendations and strategies, and getting clear on what you want can help make it easier.
There are plenty of amazing women out there. Just make sure you’re putting in the effort to be your best self and meet new women where they’re at.
